King of the Hill

Ripped By mstoll

Yeah.

Nancy got me a new DVD:

Reach For Your Life with Master Stretcher John Brandy.

Six weeks, and I'll have a spine like a Slinky.

Man, I talkin' 'bout...

man, tight on my back, man.

Okay, new alley protocol.

All future stretching should be done alone

and out of public view.

Good afternoon.

Uh, buenos días.

I need four to fix up a house.

Cuatro.

Hey, this is Mrs. Dwyer's house.

Old Mrs. Dwyer sure did like concrete amphibians.

It's a shame one ended up killing her.

You the buyer?

Oh, you speak English.

No, I'm her nephew, Eric, from Minneapolis.

My condolences.

I lived next door to your aunt.

What a nice lady.

We used to chat about puppies

and serial killers through the fence.

Wait a... hold...

I thought you were day laborers.

I just need to get the house

on the market as soon as possible.

You know any day laborers?

Well, I know four day craftsmen,

and they're standing right in front of you.

Eric...

here's the situation so far.

Given the roof area, your downspouts

simply don't match your drainage needs, and I'm...

Look, all I care about is curb appeal.

I mean, seriously, do people really look at downspouts?

You had us there for a second,

I tell you what.

Good.

Now, stare at your belly

and pretend it's not a baby,

but something cute like a puppy.

Uncle Hank,

you're being in my pregnancy photos!

Oh, sorry.

We're getting Dotty's place fixed up.

It's gonna look pretty good

once we strip away the layer of old lady.

Leg!

Kahn, that is fresh sod.

You worry about grass,

I worry who move into this house.

Last thing we need is more rednecks.

I just hope it's not another Army guy.

That's kind of my thing.

Yeah, well, I put up flyer for house

at Nine Rivers Country Club.

Not to make light of old lady's death,

but one redneck neighbor down, four to go.

This sweet little house all spiffed up

reminds me why I love this neighborhood.

It's the people.

People with a pride of ownership

and a sense of community and respect for one another.

It's got-dang beautiful, I tell you what.

So true.

We should do this to Bill's house

when he dies.

Well, how about that?

Sold in one day.

Lucky, looks like you officially

have the worst house in the neighborhood.

Well, from an investment standpoint,

there's no better place to be.

I hope these new neighbors

aren't sourpusses about loud music.

I just got a new whammy bar.

Well, I imagine any person

who appreciates fine craftsmanship

will probably be a fine neighbor, too.

Morning, Baron.

Count... Captain.

Mr. Turtlebee.

Hey, you, shut it down.

I have a work order to demo the premises.

Oh, don't tell me I got the wrong address again.

Ted!

Wonderful to see you.

Wait, can it be true?

You bought this house?

Indeed, Kahn.

I did acquire this property.

And today I'm breaking ground

on what some people refer to as a "dream home."

Proceed.

Incredible!

When I put up flyer at Nine Rivers,

I thought maybe we'd be lucky

to get somebody's broke uncle to move here.

Maybe, but I never dreamed we'd snag

the big kahuna himself, Ted Wassonasong.

Whoo.

They don't build them like that anymore.

(loud hammering, sawing, beeping)

: This is ridiculous.

I think I've actually breathed cleaner air in Houston.

What's the matter, rednecks?

Progress got you down?

Just think, one day soon, I will be able

to say two words I've longed to say to Ted...

"Hey, neighbor."

What is so got-dang great

about living next to Ted Wassonasong?

Looking at him is like listening to smooth jazz.

Well, gotta go make fresh pot of green tea.

Ted's using my bathroom

and Internet during construction.

It's like a fantasy.

Bobby, look at those guys.

They're not working.

They're littering

and peeing everywhere and... and scarfing junk food.

Construction is a dream job.

This is why they tell us to stay in school...

So we don't find out how great working is.

Man, that dude had a lot to drink.

This can't be good.

Maybe we should move down the alley.

Nope, this is our spot,

and we are holding our ground.

Hit it.

It's man's most disgusting act in reverse.

Stand your ground.

Yeah, but... Hold!

Look at the size of that foundation.

I don't think they left room for a lawn.

No lawn.

How are you holding up, Bill?

Not so good.

The constant loud noises

have made me realize how much I miss my wife.

Pardon my dust.

Here, I got you all something I thought you'd like.

Peach chardonnay?

You're welcome.

Care to see what all the fuss is about?

Oh, my God!

It's a McMansion.

Looks like a bank.

No, a church.

Wait, a casino?

I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.

This?

This is your dream home?

No, not for me.

I am creating someone else's dream.

It's what's called a speculation house.

You didn't think I was moving here.

Of course, we didn't, Ted.

You're like a movie star, and we're... we're...

Oh, God, I'm gonna miss us!

Uh... okay.

Can I still use your facsimile machine?

We can't just sit here

and let this happen to our neighborhood.

We've got to stop this thing.

I need that chardonnay, please.

And as you can see,

our homes are of modest size.

Nobody has more room than they need.

Some have less, but they're better people for it.

And then, there's this.

Five bedrooms, five and a half baths

in over 4,600 square feet of obnoxiousness.

Mr. Hill, are you telling me

there are five bathrooms in this house?

Yep, as asinine as it sounds.

And are they en suite?

Uh, I don't know what that means.

Mr. Hill, I play golf twice a week with Ted Wassonasong.

I am sure he's done everything by the book.

Affirmative.

Yeah, but there is one pending matter.

Do you know which agent has the listing?

We've tried the gentlemanly route,

now we get tough.

May I please have the requisite forms

for a legal petition?

: I've been here for, like, forever,

and I've only seen a petition work once.