The Neighborhood

Oh, hey, Calvin. What's up?

Hey, can I borrow some milk for my cereal?

Malcolm used up all of ours.

But your bowl's empty.

Yeah, he finished all the cereal, too.

Do you have anything that's magically delicious?

Yeah, sure. Let me get you some of Grover's good stuff.

You want the sugar-free quinoa flakes

or the date-sweetened fiber puffs?

I'll take a banana.

Oh, yeah, L.A. is way different

than Hickory Corners... It's always sunny,

there's tons of culture,

and nobody grocery shops shirtless.

- Honey, who is that? - My sister.

Brittany?

Do not give her money,

and do not invite her here.

Of course! We'd love for you to visit.

No! N...

Hey, uh, Gemma,

did you read this article on California earthquakes?

They say the big one is coming any day now.

I wouldn't worry about that.

I've lived in California my whole life.

Never been hurt in an earthquake.

What are you doing?

That's for your sucky cereal.

All right, well, love you, too. Bye.

Wow, Dave, there's actually someone out there

you don't like?

What's her secret?

Calvin, you don't understand.

Gemma's sister is a total disaster.

She flakes on everything, nothing's ever her fault,

and the only time we ever hear from her is when she needs something.

- That's not true. - Oh, yeah? What about the time

she asked you for a kidney?

That's not fair. It wasn't even for her.

O-Okay, okay, so she's still figuring her life out.

- But she's got a good heart. - Yeah, which she probably

suckered someone into giving her.

You know, she sounds like Tina's cousin Lamar,

who she found out wasn't her cousin,

or named Lamar.

Well, then you know what I'm talking about

and why the last person I want here

is... Oh, Brittany.

Surprise!

Brittany!

Oh, my God!

Forget the banana.

This is magically delicious.

I can't believes called you're really here.

Thought it'd be a fun surprise.

Like when you showed up on our honeymoon.

That was the best two weeks ever.

Thanks again for bailing me out.

Mexican jails are no bueno.

Uh, so, Brittany, what brings you here?

I know it wasn't Greyhound, because they banned you.

I've always wanted to come to California,

and I finally finished dental hygiene school.

You graduated? Congratulations!

Oh, no, I didn't say I graduated.

I just stopped going.

Uh, uh, what about the money we gave you for tuition?

Oh, don't worry, I used it,

and I enrolled in a cosmetology course.

Oh, that's great. How's it going?

Oh, I quit that, too.

They wanted me to go four days a week,

and it's, like, I want to be a cosmetologist,

not a doctor.

Okay, well, it was great of you to stop by on your way

to somewhere else.

Actually, I was kind of hoping I could hang here

until I figured out my next move?

Of course. You're my little sister.

You can stay as long as you want.

Cool. So, where am I crashing?

You can sleep in my room. I have bunk beds.

Ha-ha! It'll be like we're cellmates.

Hey, Dave.

How's the new roommate working out?

Are you as miserable as I hope?

Even worse.

She has been here one day, and she already broke the oven,

erased our DVR, and this morning...

she used my karate gi as a bathrobe.

Dave, you got yourself a freeloader on your hands.

And it's your own fault for putting up with it.

What am I supposed to do? She's Gemma's sister.

Family doesn't get a pass.

I don't care if she was my mama.

Calvin Butler would nip that nonsense in the bud.

Kee-ya!

Ha!

Hey, guys.

Oh, Pop, just a heads-up.

I went over the family data limit,

so the phone bill's gonna be a little bit high.

Lot of great fights on YouTube this month.

Well, good thing you...

nipped that nonsense in the bud.

Oh, and,

uh, for the record, it's...

Kee-ya!

Hey, Ma, is it cool if I borrow your car tonight?

Oh, sure, baby. But it's just about out of gas.

Oh, don't worry, I got you.

Where's your gas card?

Her gas card?

You do know they take your cash?

Yeah, Pop, but then Mom wouldn't get her points.

Yeah, Calvin... why are you trying to take my points?

What are they even for?

I don't know, but they're mine and I want 'em.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm getting a piece of garlic bread.

Yeah, but the middle piece?

That's the one with the best crust-to-butter ratio.

Fine. What's the big deal, man?

It's just bread.

Oh, "it's just bread."

Bread that you didn't buy or that you didn't cook.

Well, Calvin, you didn't cook it, either.

I'm trying to make a point, Tina.

Oh. So now you want your points?

Uh, look...

he's had a job for a while now,

and it's just time for him to stop being a freeloader.

A freeloader?

Yeah. You know, I'm tired of him not chipping in,

so I'm nipping it in the bud right now. Kee-ya!

Calvin,

Malcolm is not a freeloader.

He's just trying to get on his feet.

Well, what he needs to do is go in his wallet

and give me some bread for this bread.

You know what? Fine.

If that's the way you want it.

Look. Here you go.

Five dollars?

That's all I have on me.

Oh. Well, in that case...

Enjoy your salad.

Oh. Hey. I didn't think you were home.

Your car isn't out front.

Oh, yeah. Brittany took it to go get coffee.

You let her borrow your car?

That is so nice.

Oh, I didn't say "borrow." I said "took."

Along with $20 and my favorite sunglasses.

Dave, she's my little sister.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to stop enabling her.

The reason she quits everything that she does

is she knows that you'll be right there to bail her out.

Sometimes literally.

Dave, I'm not enabling here.

I'm being supportive.

Things just don't come as easily to her.

Okay. Well, just so you know,

Grover said her Ouija board spelled out

"lend Brittany money" last night.

Look, it's not like she's staying forever.

We both know in a few days

she'll get bored and take off

right after she asks for a clean urine sample.

Hey, guys. Guess what?

You lost my sunglasses?

Yep, that, too.

What I meant was, I finally figured out

what I'm gonna do with my life.

I'm gonna be an actor.

What?

I was in the coffee shop

and I was arguing with the barista

of whether or not I brought the tip jar with me,

when...

this talent agent comes up, and he says

he's going to make me... a star.

Oh.

Oh, sweetie, I know that sounds exciting,

but I'm not sure that that's the way it works.

Oh, uh, she's right. It's a scam.

Con artists preying on naive dreamers.

I was devastated.

No, this guy's totally legit.

He already got me an audition for a commercial tomorrow.

Really?

Yeah.

So looks like I'm here to stay.

Huh.

You hear that?

She's here to stay.

Whew!