Mr. Corman

Hi, this is Joshua Corman.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a sub for today.

Hello, may I have your ID number?

-Is this a person? -Yes.

Really? You don't sound, like, human.

I am.

Okay. Guess that sounded more human.

-May I have your ID number? -Yeah. Sorry, it's ARX875--

No. That's the group number.

I'm telling you the number it says on this thing.

Why would you have more than one number?

I don't know.

Sorry. Okay, here it is: 4438--

Sorry, 438-779AH.

Thank you. Who am I speaking with?

I just told you my ID number. Doesn't that tell you who I am?

-I need to verify the information. -Sorry.

-Joshua Corman is my name. -Birth date?

Look, I'm actually having chest pain right now,

and my heart's beating really fast, and I'm breathing kind of short,

so I'd really love to see a doctor as soon as I possibly can

'cause I think I'm having a heart attack

-and I'm not sure how much longer this… -Mr. Corman.

-…could be until it gets really serious. -Mr. Corman!

I need your birth date.

-Doctor's office. -Yes.

Hello, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Gorcey, please.

Are you currently a patient of Dr. Gorcey?

Nope. I got the name from my medical network

or… group or situation, whatever it is.

Dr. Gorcey has an opening on November 1st at 10:30.

-You need to get here… -Sorry--

-…15 minutes early to fill out-- -November?

Yes. That's her first available time.

Like two months from now?

Can she see me later today?

Is this an emergency?

Feels like an emergency.

Can you be more specific?

Yeah… I'm feeling like just really nervous.

I mean, I've felt nervous before,

but I haven't felt anything like this before at all.

And I thought for a second I was having a heart attack,

which would be weird for someone my age,

but it can happen 'cause I looked it up, and it's possible, but…

Yeah, I just don't know. I feel like it should be getting better.

Like, I'm waiting for it to get better, but it's not.

It's actually feeling a little worse than it was before or…

If this is an emergency, you should hang up and dial 911.

Yeah. No, I know. I just felt like they'd be mad at me.

'Cause there's…

There's a lot of people that have it a lot worse than I do.

And it didn't feel right. So…

If you're able to drive, you can go to an urgent care.

Yeah, but it's so much money. I can't afford that.

I don't have that.

I'm not sure what to tell you.

-Are you still there? -Yep. I am.

I just need help.

Have you tried focusing on your breathing?

For fuck's sake!

-Please don't talk like that to me. -You know what? I'm breathing fine.

I can't go to work, I can't sit still, I can't think right,

but I'm fucking breathing, so thank you so much for your help!

Hey.

You have anxiety sometimes, right?

Yeah.

You ever take anything for that?

Well, I've taken everything for it.

Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro. That made me fat.

Paxil, Xanax, Paxil again. Klonopin. Ativan--

Do you have any of that?

You having an anxiety attack?

Maybe. I don't know. I don't really know exactly what that is.

I've been trying to read about it, but, you know, the Internet is…

I know I never felt like this before. At least, not in a really long time.

What are you feeling?

I guess mostly just scared.

Scared of what?

Stupid shit.

But you can't tell that it's stupid when you're in the middle of it, right?

-You know what I think you need? -What?

Sit down.

What?

I just packed this right before you got here.

There's still half a bowl of fresh greens for you.

-Dude, you know I'm sober. -You were just asking me for pills.

-That's different. -No, a drug is a drug.

I was asking you for medicine.

Trust me, this is medical. Well, it's medical grade.

Can I just please have the Ativan?

Awesome.

All right, buddy.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Why does it take an anxiety attack for you to stop by and say hello?

We've hardly seen each other in the last five years.

-I saw you like two weeks ago. -Besides that.

I don't know, dude. What do you want me to say?

Did Megan not like me?

Of course she liked you. What do you mean?

She never laughed at anything I ever said, not once.

That doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

I'll give you the fucking pill if you admit she didn't like me.

Dude, she liked you.

Why do you care if she liked you? Who cares if someone likes you?

That's dumb to care if someone likes you.

No, it's not. In a way, that's all that matters.

-Okay. Honestly? -Here we go.

-You said that thing about her singing. -I knew that was it.

I knew it. I fucking knew it, dude.

You know that was supposed to be a compliment?

-I know. -How was I supposed to know

-that she didn't like Jewel? -Well, she didn't.

So I said that one thing, and now she just hates me forever?

I mean, I don't think she cares about it anymore.

-When was the last time she brought it up? -I have no idea.

-Well, try to think. -At least a year ago.

-But you guys broke up like a year ago. -Yeah.

-So she talked about that? -Can I just have the pill?

Yeah, whatever.

Shit. This is Adderall. You don't want that.

Listen, man, I gotta get ready for work,

but it's really good seeing you.

We should hang out again, real soon.

Yeah. Definitely.

Yes, this is Josh Corman.

Can you verify the last four digits of your social?

No.

Then I'm afraid I can't help you.

Look, I don't even know if this is some kind of scam or--

If you received an email from us,

then it means your VISA credit card bill has been delinquent for some time

and our services have been retained to collect payment.

Yeah, but you could be lying.

-Josh, I assure you I am not lying. -Sorry,

can you not call me by my name, please?

Instead of your social,

you could verify your identity with the name of your first pet.

Would you like to do that?

I'm thinking.

Sure. Misty.

-Correct. Now, Josh-- -Sorry, I asked you not to do that.

I'm sorry, we have a script.

Okay. Go ahead.

Josh, according to our records, you owe Global Card Visa over $3,000--

Yeah, see, I don't have a Global Card Visa.

I don't have that card.

Things are hard economically for all of us, including myself.

-No, you're not listening. -Perhaps--

You have the wrong person. It's not me.

Josh, you're you. What about Misty?

Can you tell me the last three things that were charged on the card?

Gelson's.

I don't shop there.

Carlito's Way Cocktails.

I don't drink.

Chez Jay's.

-Josh? -Yeah.

-Are you familiar with Chez Jay's and-- -Yeah.

-Have you been there recently? -No, I don't go there. My dad does.

I'm sorry?

I think he probably opened a card in my name or something like that.

He did that once, but it's been a long time.

Josh, do you really expect me to believe that?

You know what? This is starting to give me anxiety, so I'm gonna hang up.

-Please, don't hang up, Josh. -Have a great day. Thanks very much.

"The female vampire bat

is much more social than the male vampire bat."

"Female vampire bats live in groups, unlike the male vampire bats."

"They spend most of their time grooming each other.

This builds up their relationships."

"The more bats you groom, the more relationships you have,

and the better your chances of survival in the wild,

where no one else cares about you. The end."

That was great, you guys.

Okay, so based on what you heard, who has a question about vampire bats?

Mandy.

What about the male vampire bats?

They die.

They don't do any grooming, so they don't have any friends.

Unlike the female vampire bats.

So they're just all alone? Like floating?

That's right.