The Simpsons

D'oh!

Hmm?

Mmm.

Welcome. Good to see you.

If you're here to use the bathroom,

try the Burger King next door.

Actually, we'd like to buy something.

Wunderbar. I offer many things.

Astounding tricks,

confounding illusions.

I also fix iPhones.

You've heard of Steve Jobs?

This is my kid, "No Jobs."

- Dad! - He's been angry

since I made his mother disappear

with my cold attitude and the philandering.

Achtung, Gramps.

I want to buy a magic set for my sister's birthday

'cause that's the kind of lame-o thing she'd like.

Magic is not "lame-o."

Let me show you a trick that made Angela Merkel say,

"You are the worst Uber driver ever."

This underwear was once worn

by Babar, King of the Elephants.

Elephant underwear is tighty-whities on Homer.

Why, you little...!

What the...? The more I pull,

the tighter it gets.

The only solution? Pull more.

Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah-nyeah-nyeah!

Will you two ever stop?

Ever?

Ah! Is it the future you seek?

Well, then, move through this beaded curtain

and past the Keurig coffee maker I bought but never use.

Let us see what the tarot cards have to say.

Eh. Tarot cards don't work.

Don't they, Madam President?

Now let us see what happens to Homer and Bart.

How does he know our names?

They are on your Starbucks coffee cups.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

Good news, Homer.

In the future,

- you stop drinking. - Oh...

And the boy becomes a fine person.

What? No!

Reversum predictum!

It's licorice. Have some.

Mmm...

Now I turn more cards and...

Oh, dear. This is rough. Very bad.

What? What?

There will be years of trouble

between Marge and Lisa.

The trouble begins when you decide

where you will go to college.

What? Why are you saying that? What's wrong?

Do I get wait-listed? Gap year?

Cornell?!

Let's just say things have changed

when you are 17.

Rise and shine!

Ugh, Mom, please.

I was asleep.

Today's the day you're gonna find out

what colleges you get into.

Who cares? They all lost their glitter

when Netflix bought Yale.

Well, you will be the first Simpson

to ever finish college now that Bart's given up.

Why should I go to college?

I've become a master

of Fruit Ninja.

Salad complete.

Booyah.

There she is.

Our family's last and only remaining hope.

Putting on a little pressure there, Grampa?

It's just that you're the only worthwhile Simpson

since... ever.

I'm counting on you to find the cure

for everything that's gonna kill me.

No pressure.

Wait a minute. This is on the wrong eye.

Ooh, much better.

Lisa, I have a question.

Please, don't mention the word "college."

College? No way.

This is a surprise promposal.

Guess who I hired to ask you on my behalf.

My dad.

Imitating Seth MacFarlane imitating Frank Sinatra.

We really are.

And you'll have to drive 'cause he can't. Ha!

I can see you're tempted, Lis.

There's nothing cooler than a guy who's graduated

coming back for a younger kid's prom.

Get out of here before I accidentally say "okay."

Did I hear an "okay"?

Aw, hey, kid. What's the matter?

Your whole life, for reasons I'll never understand,

you've been looking forward to college.

Today, you get in.

Things have changed since I was a kid.

College costs a fortune, and does it really do any good?

All you get is a piece of paper with your name on it.

And it's written in Latin,

so the only people who can actually read it

are dead Romans and Catholic priests.

And last I checked, none of them are handing out jobs.

Then why did you study so hard and miss all the fun?

I don't know now. I think of all those years

where instead of being behind a book,

I could've played kickball.

So many jump ropes un-jumped.

Do you ever feel regret, Bart?

I regret starting this conversation.

Every one. I got into every one.

Why does this moment feel so empty?

Come one, come all. Don't miss it.

Lisa, I told everyone

you're going to make your pick today.

This is the greatest moment of my life.

Drumroll!

Everyone, shh! It's the moment of truth.

Congratulations, Lisa. Which one are you gonna choose?

Bob Jones. Bob Jones. Bob Jones.

I, uh...

I'm not going to college.

What?! Quit joking.

Marge, nobody knows comedy like I don't.

She's not joking.

Lisa, you can't do this. We're counting on you.

Well, you know, Marge, I didn't go to college,

and I'm wealthy in the most important way:

lack of student loans.

Do not encourage her.

Marge, her not going to college

is the most money I'll ever earn.

Lisa, please. I'm giving you

one last chance to salvage this day.

I've lived for this moment.

And all I've ever asked from you

is that everything that never happened to me

happens to you.

And that justifies my existence on Earth

for the hours I spent holding you, cleaning you,

cooking your supper, drying your tears,

catching your colds

and burying every personal need I had

just so I could have the brief joy

of setting up your dorm room

with the roommate from the fancy family

who you'll spend the holidays with on their ranch in Colorado

instead of coming home to me.

Once and for all,

which college are you going to?

None.

I just wanted to say one thing.

- What's that? - Ingrate!

I'm sorry, but could you have decided

you didn't want to go to college before ten years

of me driving you to saxophone lessons, SAT prep,

college tours of colleges you were never gonna go to?!

Could it be

that I'm finally the favorite parent?

Maggie, whose side are you on?

I don't like how digital she's getting.

Aw, you know just what to say.

Honey,

I baked you brownies to eat

while you reconsider stuff you've done or said.

Wait a minute. Do you actually think

your brownies will affect my life decisions?

They have walnuts in them.

Mom, I never really liked your brownies,

and I'm not going to college.

Really? Who are you?

All my life, I did what I thought

other people wanted me to do.

Now I'm doing what I want.

Oh. Someday, you're gonna have a daughter of your own,

and you'll see how I feel.

Who says I'm gonna have kids?

No college? No kids?

How dare you lead the life I wish I'd led.

I'm burned out. I'm so burned out.

I just need some time to think.

Okay. Just promise me

that before you make any final decisions,

- you'll talk to... - I know, I know. My father.

I'm talking about the man

who's been there for every birthday.

The one man who took pride in your every achievement.

I'd love to talk with you, Lisa, but first,

boys, it's 6:00 p.m. Time for bed.

Yay!

College was my dream. Then I thought,

"Is it really my dream or just everyone else's?"