It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I'm so pumped, dude.

I hope I get to see at least one ancient spirit.

I think we should get some chalk and some erasers,

because that dust cloud, you know, really shows the laser beam alarms.

So you can see... Oh! Get a little dust cloud going.

We got to spend a lot of time in the Civil War section.

No, we're not doing the Civil War section, Frank.

We are gonna hit up ancient Egypt though. I'm very excited about that.

- And we're sticking together. - Just so I'm clear,

you guys don't actually think that things are going to come alive...

because you're spending the night in a museum, right?

I'm sorry, but we're simply opening ourselves up...

to the possibility of an amazing adventure this evening.

Is there something wrong with that?

Now, whether that means Charlie running into his ancient spirits...

or us having to just, you know, run away from security guards all night...

Either way, it's gonna be a really, really great time.

It's certainly gonna be a lot better than sticking around the bar all night...

watching you eat sandwich after sandwich after sandwich.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You've been stuffing your face for days.

It's fatness, Frank, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your eyes.

I don't even really know how to make the bird jokes anymore. Like, they don't apply.

I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

I feel like you say that all the time now.

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

Wait a second. You've definitely said that before. You're right.

Yeah, and since we're all saying things that we say all the time, I'll just reiterate...

Dee, we don't care about you or your body or your baby...

or that baby bird that you're probably carrying inside of you.

- Right. - Oh, really?

Well, you should give a shit, 'cause one of you is the father.

What? Wh-What the hell you talking about?

I'm talking about the Halloween party, where one of you got me pregnant.

But, you know, since you guys don't care about me or my body or my baby...

or whatever it was that you were saying, we shouldn't talk about it.

You guys are on your way to a museum to spend the night. Hey, have a great time, guys.

Oh, shit.

I mean, what is she even talking about?

Got her pregnant at the Halloween party? What does that mean?

I don't even remember that party. I was wasted.

Yeah, me too. I browned out that evening.

"Browned out"? What's "browned out"?

Oh, it's when you drink so much that everything goes brown.

It's not as severe as a blackout, 'cause I remember bits and pieces.

I like to call it "browning out."

Hmm, never heard of that before. There's a good reason for that, Frank,

because I think Mac just made it up on the spot.

- I did. - You did. That's a great term.

- "Browning out"? - You like it?

- I love it. - Thank you.

I'm pretty sure at a certain point...

we all probably browned out.

So I think our best chance at figuring this out...

is for us to all put our browns together,

mash them together and try and figure out which one of you two banged my sister.

Okay, but let's not overuse the "brown" thing right in the beginning, you know.

Yeah, but here's the thing... Once you throw a term like that out...

and everybody likes it, it's pretty much fair game.

- We can use it whenever we want. - It's public domain at that point.

It becomes public domain. Now we're just trying to figure out who banged Dee.

That's the important thing. Let's not focus too much on the "brown" thing...

Even though it's a term that I'm gonna use a lot.

And I'm probably gonna use it a lot right now.

So here's what I remember from my brown state.

I remember we were all in costume,

and our costumes were pretty cool, except for yours.

I was really pissed off at you, because we agreed to go as Mario and Luigi.

I held up my end of the bargain.

And then you showed up wearing a different costume at the last minute.

Dude, what are you doing? Where's your Mario costume?

No, I went with a sexier look.

Sexy? Bro, we agreed on funny over sexy this year...

so we could disarm the ladies.

You don't remember this conversation? Without my Mario, what am I?

I'm just, like, some weird Italian plumber. I look like an asshole.

What is that? What even is that?

I'm that character from Lord of the Rings, "Viggio Morgenstein."

Okay, that is not the character's name. That's the actor's name.

And you're not even getting that right.

You're totally, totally boning me here, bro. Do you realize that?

Yo, yo, yo! Look at the turnout for our "par-tay."

I want to suck your blood!

It's Twilight time! Time for blood sucking.

Yeah, dude, I'm doing a vampire thing!

'Cause chicks are all into vampires and stuff,

you know, 'cause of the stupid Twilight movie and all that other crap.

You know, so I'm like, what if the waitress is into it? This is my best shot!

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

- He eats theater people. - No, he doesn't.

- I think he might. - He does.

And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.

- He might not. - He doesn't.

- No, I don't. I don't. - This party blows.

There's no studs here. No beef in the freezer, if you know what I mean.

Dee, why in God's name would you wear a costume with giant wings?

I'm a sexy angel. Are we supposed to pretend...

like you're not dressed like a giant bird?

I mean, if you're gonna be sexy, don't dress like a bird, Dee.

I didn't dress like a bird. I'm clearly an angel. No.

Besides, did you guys see that cooze over there dressing like a peacock?

Big, giant bird. Green bird.

Ooh! Ooh!

She wears it well.

Woof, woof. She wears it very well.

She wears it so well, in fact, that I have now pinpointed her as my prey for the evening.

Yeah! She will be mine.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go get that process started right now.

Out of my way, bird.

This is all sounding right. I remember this.

Yeah? This all sounds right to you? Okay, okay.

So it was later in the evening, and things had progressed quite a bit,

'cause I remember we were all starting to get pretty lit at this point.

But, see, I distinctly remember there being...

some kind of a commotion at the other end of the bar.

Hey, leave us alone! Just stop it!

Now, this lady, she sounded like she was in a fair amount of distress,

but I didn't really give a shit, because despite looking like a cartoon bricklayer,

I was starting to get pretty close to sealing the deal with the peacock lady.

Look, dude, you've been bugging me all night, okay?

I think your costume's weird, I think you're creepy,

and I just want you to leave me alone. Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Stupid costume is so sexy. What?

I can't believe it, man. She takes advantage of me.

She's like, "Oh, my God, you look so sexy! I'm gonna sex you all up!"

I'm like, "You're just my friend! Get your sex off me!"

And then she gets all sexy with me, 'cause I've, like, got the sexiest costume in the world on!

I hate it! So what... Did you want to get rid of that costume?

Yes, I want to get rid of the costume!

You have any idea what it's like to be this sexy?

Can I have your costume, dude? Yeah, you can have it.

Really? You'll switch costumes with me? I didn't even wanna be...

Yeah! Let's switch. Let's switch.

Come on, let's go switch. You'll be okay, buddy.

Yes, dude! It's all coming back to me now. You came over to me.

We agreed to switch costumes. You gave me your sexy, sexy costume,

and I was able to fell the seductive temptress finally.

Oh, yeah, so I did have sex with the peacock lady.

Yeah, awesome. Ah, that's so awesome, dude.

Well, mystery solved. I mean... Awesome!

- That's not the mystery. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you banged the peacock chick is not the mystery.

The Dee thing is the mystery. Right. Dee...

Somebody had sex with Dee, and she got pregnant and... Well, whatever. Okay.

Well, clearly, from that story, Charlie, you're the one that banged her.

That's why you were feeling so much remorse and regret,

and you had the tears coming out of your eye.

Who wouldn't feel that way after banging...

Ah, shit, dude. Oh, shit.

'Cause the way you're telling that story,

it definitely sounds like that, 'cause I remember crying!

No.

Those were tears of joy.

Yes, and it wasn't 'cause of Dee, obviously.

Okay, I remember this now. I remember this, all right?

Frank and Artemis were sitting at the bar,

and they were in the middle of some kind of big argument.

And I was with the McPoyle brothers over at the jukebox,

and I just finalized a delicate truce with them.

So look... So if you guys are cool, then I'm totally cool.

We're cool as cucumbers. Bump it.

This time I will bump it. The truce is on!

We bumped fists, and Dee walked by.

Oh, hey, Dee. Hey, Charlie. Great costume.

Yeah, you too.

Thanks.

Like the feathers.

And just then the waitress came in.

Hey, I see you received my invitation.

Yeah, Charlie, I received all 100 of them.

Who's this jerk?

This is my new boyfriend. He's here to protect me.

Oh, wait. This is the guy you were telling me about.

Hey. Hey.

The lady's taken. Get out of my face, bro.

Oh, really? Yeah, really.

You want to get your ass kicked? Okay, leave us alone.

I have to defend your honor! Please stop it!

Mac, get my back.

Oh, goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

That... was insanely masculine.

I made out with the waitress! That's amazing, man!

I got to call her or... I'm out of here.

Charlie, didn't happen. What? What?

- No? - That's not the way it happened.

No? No. You got parts of it right,

but you're leaving out some major things.

Let me set the damn record straight.

First of all, don't say I went as Spider-Man. I didn't go as Spider-Man.

I was Man-Spider.

Totally different!

Yes, I was having an argument with Artemis...

because a couple weeks before, we had some makeup sex...

in a Dumpster out in the back of Wendy's.

Yeah! Yeah!

She incorporated a bun in the lovemaking.

She took the... the dough...

and rolled it up into a ball, and then she...