Dear Santa

["It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas" playing]

- -

I can't just manifest a tree topper.

Okay. Okay. You don't need to give every example of what you can't do.

Why is this stuff so important?

Because!

It's been a hard year.

The move, a new school.

I mean, God, I just want it to be special for Liam.

I get it. I just don't know where the tree topper is, okay?

I can't magically make a box with a-a star appear.

And for the tenth time, it's not a star, it's an angel.

- Oh, an angel. - Yes, it's an angel.

- Okay. - And every year,

it sits on top of the tree, okay?

And it looks down upon us like it's a guardian angel.

- Oh. - A guardian angel. - Yeah.

Well, maybe we need a new one anyway.

The old one wasn't doing that great of a job, was it?

Wow.

Okay, so it's just vanished. It's completely gone.

Missing in action.

For once in your life, can you just let it go?

- Yeah. - For once?

- Can you do that? - Yes, I can

when you admit that you screwed up, okay? How about that?

Oh, I get it. As long as I take the blame for every little thing that ha...

Hey, guys.

Wow! It looks amazing in here.

Thank you, honey. Thank you.

I was just looking for...

for the tree topper that your father lost,

- and I just got a little bit of tinsel in my eye. - Unbelievable.

But I'm not crying, because everything is great.

We're gonna have a great Christmas.

Tree toppers? Come on, Mom.

Christmas isn't about tree toppers and ornaments and all that stupid stuff.

It's about togetherness and music and...

Hey, guess what I was doing upstairs.

What were you doing upstairs?

Writing my letter to Santa.

- Really? You were? - Mm-hmm.

Letter to Santa?

Aren't you getting a little too old for that?

Oh, no, no. What-What your dad means is just that sometimes,

Santa is too busy responding to letters from all of the little kids

that then he doesn't always have the time to respond to the letters

from the big kids too.

No, that's not at all what I meant.

Bill, just...

I've always written letters to Santa.

How else will he know what I want for Christmas?

Exactly, honey.

I think it's absolutely wonderful.

Not all of us are a scrooge.

No, I... I'm not a scrooge.

I just...

Look, I know how hard it is being the new kid in town.

And as it is, school presents challenges for you because of your learning dis...

Differences.

Learning differences.

Right, learning differences.

Which is good, but even more reason not to write certain letters.

Because that way, when you go to meet other sixth-graders

and try to make friends,

you won't get, uh...

beaten up.

What are you saying? I have a friend... friends.

Really? Well, I didn't know that.

Mom, I've been at that school for, like, three months.

Why wouldn't I have friends?

Just because of social distancing.

Come on, Mom. That ended two years ago.

And I do have friends.

My friend Gibby's about one of the most popular kids in school.

We play football at recess and everything.

Play football?

Yeah.

That's what I just said.

Nice.

Gibby!

Ow.

Gibby! Gibby!

I'm so proud of you.

Why'd you tell them we play football?

We don't even have a football team.

We're 11.

I didn't say we were on a team. I just said we played at recess.

What kind of football do we play?

Flag football, I guess.

Plus, they're not gonna waterboard us about this.

You don't know that.

Parents can be weird. They like to know stuff.

What position should I say I play?

You're the kicker.

Am I like the guy who kicks it real high

or the guy who tries to get the ball through the things?

The field goal kicker.

Okay, cool. You know the game, so we won't get tripped up.

Oh, and one more thing.

I also told them you have cancer.

What? Why?

My parents know I don't make friends easily,

so to make it real,

I told them I was nice to a kid with cancer

and he was nice to me back.

But we are friends.

Why'd you have to make anything up?

Hindsight is twenty-twenty.

The point is, if you meet my parents,

just make sure you act a little cancer-y.

Will do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold your horses, hotshot.

What do you think you're doing?

Um, crossing the street?

I'll tell you when you can cross the street.

But there are no cars.

When did you finish

your two-hour crossing guard certification course?

I didn't.

Oh, that's right.

That was me.

So I'll tell you when there are no cars.

Go. Go ahead.

Mr. "I'm In A Hurry At First."

Where'd he go? Bring him back.

- Good morning, ladies. - Hello.

- Hi. - Hello.

- -

There she is.

["I Want To Be Your Man" playing]

Legit question.

Why are you staring at someone you cannot get?

What, Emma? We have a ton in common.

Like?

We both like cats.

That's a ton?

We can build off that.

What's so great about her anyway?

You only like her 'cause she's pretty.

What? No.

I like her 'cause whenever I look at her, she smiles.

Big deal. Smiling's easy when you have nice teeth.

And she's kind.

People that pretty are usually mean.

Yeah, I guess.

She does have a lot of friends.

Pray for me.

No. Liam. Get... Abort!

["I Want To Be Your Man" continues playing]

I like the cat stickers on your locker.

Thank you.

My cat licks her nipples.

Well, that's pretty random.

Yeah, that was pretty random.

Um, by the way, do you like Post Malone?

Love him.

Don't you remember when Mr. Charles asked me

to name my favorite piece of writing, and I said "Congratulations"?

Yeah. Well, he's in town doing a concert. Maybe we could...

What's up, E?

Hey, Aiden.

- How are you? - Good.

- Whoa. - Uh...

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, nothing really. I was actually just...

You trying to hit on my girl?

Aiden, stop that.

- Well, were you? - No, no, no, no.

No. No. I was just trying to tell her about my cat's nipples.

Your cat's nipple... Bro, what are you talking about?

And other stuff.

Uh, tootles.

Uh...

I never say tootles, just FYI.

That was my first time.

Okay.

Darn it!

How'd it go?

I might have to change schools again.

My pupils, focus your pupils on me

as I mold your malleable minds.

As I massage the clay that is your cerebellum.

Today, my friends, we discuss A Christmas Carol.

Perhaps the most overrated of Charles Dickens's books.

And I must say, it certainly missed my "great expectations."

Now, when I read the book,

I felt like I was being visited by the ghost of Christmas past.

Hard pass for me.

Liam.

I'd be curious why you find the young lady's hair

more captivating than my lecture.

No, I wasn't... I wasn't staring at Emma's shiny hair.

- Oh? -

Then what part of her were you staring at?

- Arm. - Arm.

But I was also listening to you.

Is that right? So you're able to ogle her arm

and listen to me at the same time?