Family Guy

We now return to A Quiet Place,

starring a Jewish family.

I'm finally all caught up on New Girl,

if you guys want to talk about that.

I don't think they're going for it.

Wait.

I kind of like that Schmidt.

You kind of like that Schmidt.

All right, fellas, I got to get going.

Aw, come on. I want to get one more beer.

Again! Again, again!

Sorry, Peter, I got to work early in the morning.

Yeah, I'm out, too.

Aw, crap, I don't have any cash.

Hey, can one of you guys spot me?

- Just put it on your card. - I can't.

Lois'll see the charge. She thinks I'm still at work.

Wa-peesh.

Wha-What is that? What do you mean?

What do you mean, like "Wha-pshh"?

- Like that? Like a whip sound? - Yeah. How did I do it?

Very incorrectly.

You don't have your own card,

one that Lois doesn't know about?

No. Lois would kill me.

Ooh, what?-what?-what?-peesh.

Indiana James?

Anyone?

456 Maple Drive, Suite 305.

The "suite" is just a mailbox.

This is where I get all my credit card bills sent to

and any other mail Donna would be mad about.

- Like what? - Knives with gemstones,

fat-butt magazines,

whatever you think Ice-T would keep in a nightstand.

But really it's for the credit card bills.

I get some of my stuff here, too.

Bills, catheters, residual checks.

- What are the checks for? - Mostly Seinfeld.

- You were on Seinfeld? - Yeah, that's right.

Peter, I'm telling you, get yourself a secret credit card.

- You'll save yourself a lot of stress. - Thanks, Cleveland.

Ah, this is gonna make my life so much better.

Like when I used to make fart balloon animals.

All right. Who's next?

- Can you make me a giraffe? - Comin' right up.

There you go.

Don't pop that. You'll throw up.

Oh, where did you find him?

He found me.

Hey, look who it is.

You need us to pay for your drinks again?

No way. Guys, you are looking

at the owner of his own credit card.

All right. Good for you, Peter.

You gonna pay us back?

Come on, Joe, I don't interrupt you.

Anyway, they even want me to do one of Tina Fey's

"look how quirky and busy I am" credit card commercials.

- Wow, really? - Yeah.

- Oh, wait. - I think it's starting.

I hear a piano shuffle and a clarinet. Taxi!

- Where to? - Any pet shop that sells snakes.

Somebody puke in here?

Yeah. Last night some guy...

Hey! It's you!

Gotta go.

- Hi. Can I help you? - Can I press the button that moves the clothes?

Sir, that's reserved for dry cleaners only.

It's like a roller coaster ride for pants.

- Any calls? - Your mistress called.

She said she's waiting at the hotel for you.

Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can.

She said she's pregnant.

Do you know if that Mexican doctor takes credit cards?

He does.

If you're scummy and on the go,

try the new Visa Gold Card.

Visa: It's everywhere you want to be.

Hey, Dad, what do you got there?

Chris, I got us lobsters for dinner.

Cool.

Can... can I kill 'em?

Hmm, let me think.

Of course you can kill 'em, sport.

- Yay! - Let's boil up some water.

Package for Peter Griffin.

Ah. I didn't order anything.

I-I mean, I could have if I wanted to.

I have a credit card.

All right. Lot of cool people on this route.

Aah!

Stop! You're hurting him.

No, that's just air escaping. They can't feel anything.

- Hi. Can I help you? - Yes. I'd like one of those flashlights

with a vagina in it, please?

Oh, no. O-Okay, okay, don't panic, everyone.

Oh, he got you, Mom.

I'm surprised this thing still works after the day we had.

- Meaning I had sex with... I know. - We get it.

- Ew. - Five minutes ago,

I had that flashlight under my chin to look scary.

Peter, are you wearing a costume

from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country?

Peter, give me the credit card.

How'd you find out?

The UPS guy from earlier?

Sorry, Peter. New rule: I... I have to report

any adults bragging about having a credit card.

But... but you said I was cool.

Did you even mean it?

Did you even mean it?!

You know what bothers me even more

than all the money you put on that credit card?

- Bonnie's new car? - Oh, I know. What, does she think

she's a (bleep) teenager?

Wait, no, no. What's worse is finding out

how much you lie to me.

I found your account online.

Monday night you said you were working late,

but there's a $62 charge at The Clam.

So whoever stole my card is still in town.

You just gave me the card, dummy.

You said you had to work last weekend,

then you bought a T-shirt that says

"Working weekends... does not compute"

wi Johnny 5 on it.

I wanted to wait, but...

Happy Mother's Day.

You're not gonna weasel your way out of this.

You want to act like a child, Peter?

Then I'm gonna treat you like a child.

You're grounded.

On whose authority?

General Chang.

Hey, Peter. Lois still mad at you?

Yeah, but she's acting like everything's fine on Facebook

so she can post pictures of food.

I mean, I've done some stupid stuff,

but she's never grounded me before.

Well, you could just leave the house if you want.

You are an adult.

Brian, husbands are not adults.

They are people who pay for things

but are still somehow burdens.

Worst part about it, I'm gonna miss my Sunday shift

at Clappy's Birthday Restaurant.

We heard someone has a birthday.

H.

A.

P.

P.

T.

E.

Happy birthday, Charlotte.

Excuse me. My table is celebrating the birthday

of deceased Hawaiian pop singer Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

Well, that's why we call it Clappy's. Let's go.

H.

- Hello? - Peter.

Peter, you're not gonna believe whose car just broke down

on Spooner Street. Tom Brady!

- What?! - Yeah. He's throwing passes

to anyone who's able to leave his house.

Ah, he's throwing one to Joe.

Oh, my God, Joe just stood up for a second.

He put that pass

where only a walking person could catch it.

That's howd is... his pass made me walk!

And here comes Gisele.

She's giving out Tag Heuer watches.

Aw. Lois? Can I please go out and play with Tom Brady?

She's out here.

Tom Brady's taking us all to see an Anne Hathaway movie.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, no, I'm grounded.

Hey, it's my old wedding Tucks...

Medicated Pads.

Boy, my butt sure was like a match

that needed to be extinguished that day.

Oh, what a day that was.

All the Preparation... H I used on my fiery ring.

I got to escape.

But how?

Wait a minute, you saw Shawshank Redemption, Peter.

How did Brooks get out of there?

Aah!

- Hey, possum. - It's actually o-possum.

O, is it?

What the hell?

Aah. Peter, what are you doing?

I got to get out of here, Brian.

I'm going crazy sitting around the house.

So you're tunneling out?

Lois is gonna be furious if she finds out.

That's why Lois isn't going to find out.

Right, boy?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you...

not being... a bad boy.