Derry Girls

All I'm saying is I find it difficult to believe.

- But it's the truth, Mary. - Really? - Honest to God.

So if I was to go next door

and open that washing basket of yours...

You wouldn't find any darks.

What, do you think I'm holding out on you?

I don't know what to believe.

Listen, I've plenty of coloureds. You're welcome to my coloureds.

I'm not interested in your coloureds, Sarah.

It's darks I need. Oh, listen, Da.

Do not be starting at me about darks, Mary.

I've given you whatever darks I have.

Stick on a half load and be done with it, woman.

A half load goes against everything I stand for.

- You know that, Da. - You away to do the big shop, Da? - Aye.

Gerry! Gerry!

I don't see why that useless drip you call a husband has to be coming.

Because someone needs to drive and you've been suspended, again.

- What did you do this time, Daddy? - Nothing.

It's RUC discrimination.

The only crime I committed was to be born a Catholic.

Gerry's never been suspended and he's a Catholic.

He's also a prick, but that's by the by.

Cut that out, Da. - Found some. - Oh!

Found some, Mary.

- Great. - Right. That's us away. - Have a nice time.

Tell that Free State fucker to shift his hole.

I'm sure we will.

There's no shame in doing a half load, you know, Mary.

I can't, Sarah. I physically can't.

Hey! Let me look at that. You call that clean, do you?

Different standards, you see, Mary.

You're not in England now, son.

- Orla was the one who washed it. - Oh, OK. OK.

I have had it with you, James, and your picking,

picking, picking, and I won't take it any more. Do you hear me?

- Is everything OK, Orla? - I warned you, Orla.

You're putting yourself under too much pressure.

Can't fail, Mammy.

- Since when have you been troubled by exams? - Exams?

- What are you on about, Erin? - What are you on about, Orla?

Step. - I'm sorry? - Step aerobics.

Orla has got really into step aerobics.

Her instructor says she's a natural.

Says she's got what it takes to go all the way.

All the way in step aerobics?

But it's out of control now, Mary.

She's stepping morning, noon and night.

Apart from anything else, it's dangerous.

She nearly came through the ceiling yesterday.

OK, she might be gifted, but I just want her to have a normal childhood.

- I won't give it up. I can't. - Listen to yourself, love.

Now, whites.

I've got my eye on you, boy.

- Jesus, Joe. - What are you doing here?

Meeting your fancy woman, I suppose.

No, I'm not. I'm collecting Mary's photographs.

And if I was having an illicit rendezvous with my mistress,

I'm not sure that the supermarket that my father-in-law is

doing the big shop in would be the best place for it, really.

- Quinn, you said? - That's right.

- Here we go. - Great.

That'll be £3.75, please. And have you got your wee docket there?

- Yeah, I do. - It's a wee red slip of paper, about yay big.

- Yeah. - Dark blue lettering, it has.

- Yeah, I know. - Not a navy blue, now. More like a royal blue.

I know what it looks like.

Times New Roman, I believe the font is called.

- I just can't find it. - Prick.

Er, look, I'm sorry. Do you absolutely need it?

I'm afraid I do, sir, yes. Proof of ID.

But you have my surname written on it there.

How do I know that's your surname?

Because I just told you it was my surname.

- You could be lying. - Why would I lie?

To get your hands on someone else's photos.

Why would I want somebody else's photos?

Like, who would pay for somebody else's photos?

- Stalker, maybe. - Yeah, exactly. Very good, sir.

- A stalker. - I'm not a stalker. - Look,

why don't you just go home and have a wee look for your wee docket?

No. This is ridiculous.

Just open that up and take out one of the photos.

You see? That's me wife there.

How do I know you're not just telling me that?

Cos that's me standing beside her.

I suppose you do look a bit like this man.

- I am this man. - It could be you.

It's definitely me.

My name is Gerry Quinn. This is my father-in-law, Joe.

He can vouch for me.

I've never seen this man before in my life.

No docket, no photographs.

Great.

Ten copies of each, please, and Jenny wants a tea.

OK, guys.

Don't forget, entries for our searching for myself

writing competition are to be

placed here. If you could all spread the word,

- that'd be fabby-dabby-do. - Fabby-dabby-dick.

Can I have your attention, please, ladies? Get down. Get down.

I've just received a phone call from Louise Kerr's mother,

and it's not looking great.

Oh, God, I just can't believe it.

It's unlikely she'll be returning to school before the end of the year,

- so I think the only thing we can do now is... - Pray for her?

No. What use would that do?

No, I think the best thing

we can do is decide who will fulfil the role of editor now.

Sister Michael, some of us have actually

already discussed this eventuality, and the thing is, well,

nobody is comfortable stepping into Louise's shoes.

It feels a bit, sort of, disrespectful.

We think this issue should be cancelled.

Well, fair enough, if nobody is willing

- to take her place. - I'll do it. - Excuse me?

I'll take her place. I'll step into her shoes. I'll do it.

- Really? - Absolutely.

No, you can't.

We're making a statement. You're ruining our statement.

Look, girls, I know Louise meant a lot to you all.

- She's not dead, Erin. - Well, not yet.

Hopefully she won't, you know, die,

but if she does, the show must go on.

- Isn't that right, Sister Michael? - You terrify me.

You can't be the editor.

You've never even written an article, Erin.

That's because I can't get anything past Rupert Murdoch

- over there. - This isn't fair. You can't let it happen, Sister.

I know, but I'm bored now,

so it looks like I probably will. Good luck, all.

How could you have lost the wee docket, Gerry?

Aye, everybody knows you have to hang on to the wee docket.

Look, I've said that I'm sorry.

They were my birthday photos, for God's sake.

There's definitely grounds for an annulment here, Mary.

I mean you only turn 33 once.

You've been 33 a few times now, in fairness, Mary.

Well, aren't you a brave man, given the circumstances?

Mary, come on. Would you not reconsider?

- No, Da. - Please, love.

- Just the once. - I'm not letting you hit him, Da.

I'm devastated. That was

when I lost the half-stone doing the Rosemary Conley as well.

My collar bone was sort of poking through my skin.

- Do you remember, Mary? - Aye, you were far too thin, Sarah.

No, it was. It was brilliant, and now I haven't got

so much as a photograph to look back on.

Look, it's gone. The docket is gone. Why don't we just move on?

Why don't you just move out?

Guess who's been made editor of the school magazine!

Me! I have. Can you believe it?

Oh, Christ. My whites.

I think I know what happened to the wee docket.

Dick.

Good morning, team!

- Where is everyone? - They quit. - What? You're not serious.

They all think what you did was pretty out of order, Erin.

- I see. - And that you're a bit ruthless.

OK. - And cold. - Right.

And nobody really has any respect for you.

Yes, all right, thank you.

Well, I appreciate that you're still here, Aisling.

I really do. I'm not gonna lie.

Just the two of us, it's gonna be tough,

but if you're not afraid of the challenge, then neither am I.

Yeah. I only came back because I forgot my inhaler.

Fine. Puff off. I don't need you. I don't need any of you.

I've got my own people,

and we'll show you up for the amateurs that you are.

My people are shit hot. Do you hear me? Shit hot!

OK. Right. OK.

- How do I do a new line again? - Return.

- Jesus, James. How many times? - Return.

I can't understand. Come on!

Seriously? Will you be quiet?

- I'm trying to get my creative juices flowing over here. - OK. You're gonna have

- to never say that sentence again. - Enough. Come on.

We need to make a call on our late story.

OK. So, let's...

Would you stop doing that, please?

I can't let my heart rate drop, I'm afraid, Erin.

Let's just run through some of our favourite ideas.

- So, firstly, animals. - Animals. Can someone elaborate? - Yeah.

So, this concept would focus on animals,

alongside pictures of famous people who look a bit like animals.

- Michelle Pfeiffer looks like a cat. - Exactly. - OK.

Right. Animals. Er, what's the next one?

- Shoes of the... - Shoes of the world.

- And that involves...? - So, this piece would

concentrate on different shoes from around the world, sitting alongside

pictures of, you know, different shoes from around the world.

- OK. - So, like, how in Russia they wear boots because...

Cos it's Baltic.

- In India they wear sandals because...? - It's boiling.

- So that's it, is it? - Thoughts?

I'm not totally convinced by either of them, if I'm honest.

Oh, my God. They're shit.

They're absolutely shit.

- How can we print this utter shit? - OK, don't panic.