The Ranch

You like Florida Georgia Line?

You like annoying a man holding a skill saw?

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

That would imply that I slept.

I've been layin' awake all night

thinking of this money pit we call a ranch.

Oh, well, you should try warm milk.

Or tea.

We got a lot of work to do.

So all I want to hear from now on is silence.

You know, Dad, you can't really hear silence.

It's actually the absence of all...

Your silence speaks volumes.

All right, I think I got everything.

The two-by-fours, four-by-fours, two-by-sixes...

Oh, yeah, I also brought a couple guns.

Boom!

Let's do this.

Oh, that's Dad's hammer.

All right. Cool story, bro.

No, no, no.

Any tool that says "Beau" on it is off limits.

Also, any tool that says "Pedro" is mine.

I stole them from my boy Pedro.

That's enough.

You're not gonna need a hammer. You need a shovel.

You're gonna go shovel out the bull barn.

Why can't I help up here?

I need somebody up here that knows what they're doing.

Well, I know what I'm doing!

All you're doing right now is slowing us down.

And I know that, too.

I don't see why I gotta do all the grunt work.

Colt, let me explain something to you, all right?

Now, the three of us are like a totem pole.

Dad's up on top.

He's an eagle, you know, soaring above us all.

He's rare, but when you catch a glimpse, it's magical.

Now, below him is me, the rooster.

But, like, a badass rooster.

I'm the first one up in the morning, and I'm on the label of hot sauce bottles.

All right, what am I? Like, a wolf or... a lion?

You're like a beaver, right?

Just swimming around,

gathering the wood and the crap that the rooster and the eagle need

to build the dam to keep the water out.

Wow, I am not gonna lie to you.

I did not know where this analogy was going when I first started,

but it is rock fucking solid.

- Rooster? - Yes, my eagle.

Shut up.

See you at lunch.

See ya later, Beave.

You know, in 8th grade, I used your toothbrush to scrub my balls.

Well, there he is. We thought you were out for the night.

Dad was gonna put a blanket on you,

I was gonna come over and draw a dick on your forehead.

- What time is it? - 6:30.

You guys already ate? You couldn't have woke me?

We eat dinner at 6:00.

I got a lot of things to do around here,

waking a grown man from his nap isn't one of them.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, I could have, but this way I got two steaks for dinner.

Plus, I got to hear Dad make fun of your nap for dessert. So...

The meat's gone.

There's a baked potato and half a scoop of beans there.

The meat's gone?

Hey, we working on the barn again tomorrow?

We'll get the paper and the shingles on in the morning.

We can have Colt ride the fence on the north side,

see if that storm knocked any limbs down.

- Mmm-hmm. - That ain't even a half a scoop.

That's, like, four beans and a ham bone.

Don't touch that ham bone. It's for the dog.

Yeah, by the way, since when do you allow dogs in the house?

Better question would be why I allow you and Rooster in the house.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Friendly fire there, Eagle.

It's beaver hunting season.

Oh, man, am I full. I should not have eaten that second steak.

Hey, Dad, uh, I was thinking, since we're re-doing the barn roof,

we could run a drain pipe down to a cistern, catch the run-off.

It's extra water for the cattle and irrigation.

That's a great idea.

- Thank you. - Rooster and I were just discussing

how we wish we had a few more projects around here.

Dad, I'm just trying to help.

Unless you got any more ideas, I got bills to pay.

Uh, actually... I got another idea.

I could set you up so you could pay those bills online.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pull back, man. Abort.

Why would I put my bankin' info online?

So half the population of China can pay their bills with it, too?

Rooster, go grab a pen and draw that dick on your brother's head.

Hey, sweetheart.

Hello to you, my sweet Margaret.

I was talking to my son.

Worth a shot.

Give me a whiskey the size you'd need if you were still living with Dad.

- Rough day with him? - Actually, I didn't see him all day.

He was up in the loft with Rooster. I was scooping shit with Pedro's shovel.

Now my back is killing me. I don't know who this Pedro guy was...

must've been a very short man.

Well, I still love you, sweetheart.

So just to be clear,

"sweetheart" is always in reference to him?

Did I ever tell you about the first date I ever had with your father?

It was on the ranch.

We worked all day, had dinner, promptly at 6:00.

I didn't even know it was a date until he said...

"You wanna stay for breakfast?"

So, what're you saying? Dad's always been a jackass?

No, my point is that every relationship with your father

begins with hard work on the ranch.

And you just gotta keep proving yourself.

And that he's, you know, always been kind of a jackass.

Wow, look at you.

Abby. Hey.

Hey.

Standing at a bar with a bottle of whiskey in your hand.

Some things never change.

- Hey, Mrs. Bennett. - Hey, darlin'.

No!

- What can I get for you, Abby? - Oh, just a water.

Water?

Huh. Well, let me check in the back.

Crazy seeing you.

- Yeah. - You look great.

- Oh. - Uh, what you been up to?

Well, I'm teaching history over at Garrison.

- Really? - Oh, and a couple times a year,

I put a condom on a banana.

Right.

Sex ed?

No.

Why...

I'm messing with you. It is sex ed.

All right.

So how about you? What are you up to?

Me? Come on. I'm great! Yeah.

Things have been going good.

I was playing football, at the top of my game, and then...

Dad called and said he needed some help at home,

so I, uh, decided it was time to be MVP of life and not just football.

Still full of shit, huh?

Wow. A Colt Bennett without football.

That's like the Battle of Hastings without the death of King Edward.

Right?

Right.

Is that, like, a Game of Thrones thing?

Are you serious?

No.

I was just kidding like you did with the banana thing.

It really is good seeing you again.

You, too.

Holy cow!

I can't believe it!

Colt Bennett!

Hey, buddy. I'll sign something for you in a second.

I'm just catching up with an old friend here.

No, actually, this is my boyfriend, Kenny.

Oh. Yeah. Boyfriend. Nice.

Hey, nice to meet you, bud.

Colt, don't you remember? He went to Garrison with us.

Oh, my God!

Kenny! Yeah!

Third period! It's... Biology?

It's okay. We didn't really hang in the same circles.

My big thing was band.

Oh, band! Yeah, cool!

Heck yeah, you guys used to play "Eye of the Tiger"

when we came out of the tunnel.

That was awesome.

Well, Kenny is the manager of the Courtyard by Marriott in Telluride.

Well, uh, technically, we're outside of Telluride,

but we do get a lot of business with skiers and other winter sport enthusiasts.

Being a part of the Marriott family is awesome.

You would not believe the discounts he gets.

I mean, last year we went to Omaha.

Just because.

How do you even get a job like that?

That's a great question, Colt. I, um...

I started out as a bellhop, and I just worked my way up.

Most folks think you need a degree, but, really, it's all about people skills.

The key word in "hospitality management" is "hospitality."

But it's also "management."

Oh, uh, sweetie, before I forget, I, uh...

booked us a room for our anniversary.

- Not gonna tell you where. - Let me guess.

The Marriott?

Dude!

Thank you.

Shoot, you know what? I just realized I got my old man's truck,

so I gotta get it back before it gets too late.

Oh, uh... okay. Are you sure?

Yeah.

It's nice to see you, Abby. You too, Kenny.

Yeah, hey, uh, if you ever get sick of staying at home,

Marriott's got 4,200 locations worldwide.