Tales from the Crypt

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

who's the fearest of them all?

Looks like I just bought seven years bad luck.

Speaking of bad luck...

it's time for another nasty little terror tale...

from my crawly collection.

And this one's got a message, too.

It's a story about greed, death...

and a girl who learned that beauty...

is only sin deep.

- Want a date? - No, thanks.

Hi, Joe.

- Girl... - Hi, Raven.

You know something, honey?

If I had a dollar for every time you stood in the mirror admiring your face...

I could get off these streets and retire to the Bahamas.

This face is my meal ticket, honey.

I'm cold. Let's go get some coffee.

I don't know about you, but my shit's always hot.

Oh, God, here comes Mr. Trouble.

- Hey, baby, how's business? - Cat's meow.

All right.

How about you, sweet thing?

A pretty girl like you could use a manager. You hear where I'm at?

Yeah, don't do me any favors, honey.

Yeah, just talking business, sweet thing.

I'm gonna say this once.

You touch me again, I'll shoot your dick off.

You listen up, little girl. This is grownup time out here.

You wanna have an attitude, you might need some protection.

Pretty girl like you could get ugly real fast with an attitude.

You hear where I'm at, sweet thing?

Shit. Real smooth.

You keep that shit up, and you ain't gonna last another night out here.

What makes you think I want to last another night out here?

Well, girlfriend, where else you think you got the right to be?

If it isn't Mr. GQ.

I tell you, for the rich, every night's a party night.

Dream on, honey, 'cause ain't nobody invited you.

- What's she got that I ain't got? - Him.

- Not for long, she don't. - Right. I'm from Missouri. Show me.

You check this shit out.

Yeah. Okay, sweet thing. I knew that you'd come around.

Yeah, I'm sorry I was acting so mean.

Don't worry about it. How about a little sugar for pimp daddy here?

So you wanna talk a little business?

That's right. Strictly business.

- Hey! What's up, baby? - Give me your jewelry.

You've got to be crazy.

- Give me the fucking jewelry, man! - Yeah, okay.

Here. You know you're never gonna get away with this.

- And the watch. - No, baby, not the watch. Please.

What is this? Let's Make a Fucking Deal? Give it.

- Or don't you see where I'm at? - Yeah, I see where you're at.

Here, just be cool.

Like I said, strictly business.

You're freelance now, honey.

No shit.

Where'd you say you got this stuff?

An acquaintance had a little accident.

- Truck ran over his head. - Yeah?

You bastard. You stole it!

I didn't know you was a teen idol.

So how does this work?

I got two months or something to redeem my stuff?

You got four months. Plus 12% if I was gonna take it.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that if this watch was any hotter, I'd have burned a hole in my hand.

I mean a guy needs asbestos gloves, some of the shit that people bring in here.

What are you talking about?

That's a $15,000 watch. Look at the diamonds.

It's hot, is what it is. You could fry a big old egg on the son of a bitch.

I don't want to buy your jewelry.

I ain't buying your jewelry or your bullshit story.

- Now, get out of here. - Fuck you.

No. Wait.

I thought you weren't interested.

I ain't interested in them things.

But I can see you got something that's worth a whole lot more.

Sorry, old man, I just retired from that business.

No. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about your beauty.

My beauty. Silly me, what was I thinking? God.

You wait.

$10,000. Cash.

Let me get this straight. For $10,000, you make a mold of my face?

Not your face. Your beauty.

Yeah, right.

And I got four months to redeem my beauty if want it back.

That's right.

You know something, old man, there are people who play with a full deck...

then there's you.

Now, you hold still now.

I hope you ain't claustrophobic.

Almost time, my love.

Pretty soon you'll be back with me.

You'll look just like you did before...

like the day we were married.

Welcome to the party.

Okay. Bye.

- Hello. - Hello yourself.

All this yours?

- Life's tough. - I get by.

I don't wanna tear you away from your guests.

I saw you and, let's just say, something more important came up.

Sounds like a cheap sexual innuendo to me.

Well, I'm sorry.

It's supposed to sound like an expensive one.

You don't think it's rude to leave your date to go make a pass at another woman?

Who's making a pass? We haven't even met yet.

True. I'm Sylvia Vane.

That's V-A-N-E, as in "weather. "

I'm Ronnie Price, as in "everyone has theirs. "

Don't look now, but I think Miss Clairol might be getting the wrong idea.

I was kinda hoping the wrong idea might become the right idea.

- What are you, a psycho? - Just playing hard to get.

Isn't it rude to slap the host and leave without saying goodbye?

Thank you very much, Mr. Price. You have a lovely apartment. Good night.

Wait.