Duplex

So, you're finally settling down.

You've saved up a little nest egg

and are ready to dive into the real estate market.

Let's do a little shopping around.

The American dream home.

Two bedrooms, two bathrooms,

one doghouse, one garage, two garbage cans.

lt's cozy, safe,

and just barely within your overstretched budget.

Not for you?

For the same price, you can buy 200, 000 acres

of prime Sahara wasteland.

Put up a cottage. Nothing but you and the sky.

lt's like a beach without the ocean.

And talk about quiet neighbors.

Too remote? Oh, l understand.

You need the thrill and excitement of the big city.

With that same nest egg,

you can get a slice of prime real estate.

Not this real estate.

Cozy and affordable,

this lovely fixer-upper is the perfect place

for a dynamic couple like you.

No need to putter around the house.

lt's all right there where you stand.

What's the matter? Feeling a little cramped?

Well, just a stone's throw away,

just one bridge or a tunnel ride,

just outside the big, bustling city,

there is a place with wide-open spaces,

friendly natives, and spacious dwellings.

And it's all within your price range.

lt's almost too good to be true.

When l told you

l had a particular building in mind for you,

this is the one l was talking about.

lt's a historical home on one of the best blocks

in all of Brooklyn.

- Remember what we talked about. - l know. Poker face.

Built-ins, built-ins.

Oh, the kitchen's a little small.

Well, rip out this awful room divider,

and you've got an eat-in kitchen.

And over here you have your library.

Wow.

For your books.

Oh, you like books?

l have a little collection of first-edition novels.

Alex is a writer.

The parlor.

Oh, my God.

So, this staircase. This leads to where?

l thought you realized. This is a duplex.

As in two floors for the price of one?

l believe it's right there in the listing sheet.

So, why was it sealed off?

Were there, like, a slew of murders up there or something?

No, there's just a sweet, little old lady that lives upstairs.

A tenant?

Mm-hmm.

So, rent control means we can't kick her out, right?

Alex!

That's a legitimate question. You cannot evict her.

She has to decide to leave or, God forbid...

Poor thing hasn't been feeling well lately.

She's gotta be close to 100 years old.

Mrs. Connelly?

lt may take her a while. She's hard of hearing.

Mrs. Connelly?

Kenneth.

There's my favorite girl.

How you feeling today, Mrs. Connelly?

l don't feel too good, Kenneth.

Oh, l'm sorry to hear that, Mrs. Connelly.

l brought by a young couple that may want to buy the apartment.

- Hi. - Hi, Mrs. Connelly.

l'm Nancy Kendricks.

This is my husband, Alex Rose.

Hello.

We were wondering if we could look around.

l don't feel up to it.

l'm sorry, dear.

Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.

You have a Mommy-and-Me park over here.

You got shopping that way.

No traffic. lt is ideal.

Here's my card if you want to make an offer.

There's a lot of heat on this place.

l'd say it'll be off the market by Monday.

Adios.

Three fireplaces?

Guys, the place sounds incredible.

And surprisingly affordable.

lt's kind of affordable.

lt's really at the high end of our price range.

But when you factor in that it's a duplex.

lt's a duplex?

Yes.

Oh.

You know, it's Brooklyn, first of all.

We weren't even thinking about Brooklyn, so...

Oh, actually, which reminds me. Did you bring it?

Oh, yeah.

ls this the latest in the Don Piper mystery series?

Fresh off the presses.

l inscribed this copy to you guys.

- Oh! - Coop, thank you.

l am sure it's not gonna be as brilliant

as your new book, but a couple decent metaphors in there.

Turn of phrase.

We forgot to tell them the big news.

Oh, God. Yes.

What is it?

Go ahead.

We're pregnant.

Wow!

Congratulations.

Congratulations, man.

l'm so happy for you!

You guys must have just found out.

No. Unh-unh. l'm four months along. Yeah.

- Four months? - Mm-hmm.

- Oop! - Oh, honey.

Stop.

Hello!

l mean, we're not gonna want to live here

once we start having babies.

And that upstairs would make the cutest playroom.

Well, l don't want Mrs. Connelly coughing on my baby.

You know what l mean.

Besides, do you realize how much the duplex is gonna be worth

once we get both floors?

l know how much it costs.

lt's gonna be worth a bazillion times that.

Really? A bazillion? That's an incredible return.

Come on, Alex, what better way to finish your novel

than in your own 19th-century oak writer's nook?

lt would be nice not to write at Starbucks

with the other novelists.

Because you deserve your own nook.

That's my train.

All right. Let's do it.

Really?

- Yeah. - Aah!

Oh, this is so wonderful. We're gonna have a home.

Yeah. All right. l love you.

l love you!

l could have sworn we had more stuff.

lt's gonna look great.

Mrs. Connelly, it's Nancy Kendricks and Alex Rose,

from downstairs.

Let me look at you.

Oh!

Hi.

We just wanted to come up and say hi.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Wow.

What an amazing apartment!

Oh, thank you, dear. Sit down.

We brought you this little housewarming gift.

That's very kind of you. Thank you.

l'll open it for you. l don't drink, myself.

lt's a sin.

lrish Catholics don't drink?

What are you doing?

Oh, l'm just taking a few little pictures for research.

lf l knew you were coming, l'd have tidied up.

Hey, Nancy.

Yeah?

Blow me down!

- Oh! - What did you say?

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Oh, God!

l'm coming, slowly but surely.

- l'll just turn off this music. - Alex! Alex!

Sit down, dears. Sit down.

l've brought you a little something to nibble on as well.

Oh, Bugles. Wow.

l didn't realize they even still made Bugles.

Here you go.

That's a magnificent parrot.

lt's not a parrot, dear. He's a macaw.

He's named after my late husband, Richard.

l've had Little Dick for 40 years.

Come along, dear. Don't be shy.

lt's French onion.

Oh.

Mrs. Connelly, how are you feeling?

Why do you ask, dear?

Well, because the last time we saw you, you were quite ill.

Oh, l had a bit of a cold, but l'm in fine fettle now.

Tell me about yourselves.

What do you do, Alan?

Alex.

Alex is a writer.

Oh, a writer. Hmm.

l always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job.

l suppose l'm forgetting about Joyce.

Joyce. James Joyce. Of course.