Significant Mother

Why, why, why, Mom?

Oh! Oh, my God, Nate!

God, it's laundry day.

Every Wednesday for my whole life.

Okay, I totally forgot. Back in a flash.

It's probably not a good choice of words.

If you're busy, you could have called me

or texted me or put a sock on the door handle or anything.

Oh, stop. I wasn't busy.

Jimmy and I just had a romantic dinner last night and...

I don't need the details.

Okay. Well, he's gonna be dead till noon anyway.

Besides, I would never miss Wash and Dry Wednesday with you.

It's our thing.

What happened to Andy Rooney?

I know. Jimmy got spaghetti on him

when we were watching When Bears Attack.

Aw. It's okay. We'll get him all clean.

- You think? - Yeah.

So how was your workweek? What's going on at...

I'm sorry.

I don't think dinner agreed with me last night.

We made our own ricotta.

Either that or you made a baby.

Can these things be wrong?

Of course they can.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

This isn't error-proof. I mean, it is.

That's why it's called that,

but this one is older than Justin Bieber,

so it's gotta be a false positive.

I can't be pregnant.

You mean, like, physically you can't?

I need more pregnancy tests!

Baby?

Oh!

Oh.

- - Okay. What?

Nate, this has to stay between me and you.

You cannot say anything to Jimmy.

What? Why?

Because I'd like to be sure when I tell

my 26-year-old boyfriend he's about to be a father.

I don't want to freak him out over nothing.

You'd actually consider keeping this thing?

Hey, you've always wanted to be a big brother.

In here, baby! Jimmy!

Baby Jimmy, oh, God.

- Stop it. Stop it, please. - Oh, God.

Nate, you have to swear that you won't say anything.

Swear.

Swear on Andy Rooney.

I can't hide something this big from Jimmy.

He can always tell when I'm hiding something big.

I have a very obvious tell. So give me the bear.

I will rip this bear's head off.

Fine, I swear on Andy Rooney. Give me the bear.

Give me the bear.

- Hey, buddy! - Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, yeah, just...

Just, uh, laundry.

- Jack Nicholson eyebrow? - No.

What aren't you telling me?

Nothing.

I have to go. Uh...

Give me the bear. Give me the bear.

Walk away. Walk away.

Uh, I'm gonna go.

What is he hiding from me?

I have no idea.

Okay, buddy, what's going on?

Friends don't keep friends in the dark.

Light the candle of truth.

Jimmy, there's no truth to tell.

Fine, if you won't light it, I will.

Oh, come on.

What, that stupid thing?

It's totally unnecessary.

Mm, it smells like honesty.

No, it smells like fresh linen.

Which you picked because it calms you.

So just wrap yourself up in the scent and let it set you free.

Jimmy, I have to go to work.

Hey, come on, I told you the truth about me and your mother.

No, you didn't. I walked in on you naked.

You lied to my face.

And now I know exactly how that feels.

No, I don't. Maybe you should get naked.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm trying to help you to heal.

I don't want to heal. I don't want to get naked.

I just want to go to work with my open wounds.

But I can help you close them.

No, you can't.

I don't want to talk about this

because there's nothing to talk about.

You know the headband totally moves with your eyebrows.

Mom, I can't do this. I can't lie to him.

No, you're not lying. You are lying in wait.

And it's only until tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Why tomorrow?

Because I'm seeing my OB-GYN,

and then I'll ow if I should tell Jimmy

or if I can go have a margarita and get back on birth control.

You're not on birth control?

No, I didn't think I needed it.

You know, your father and I tried for years to get pregnant

after we had you.

You said I was perfect, so you only needed one.

Oh, God. Wait, what happened with the take-home tests?

Well, they were positive.

Or negative. Depending on your point of view.

How many did you take?

A few.

_

What?

Aah!

I told you not to come in here!

To my own home?

This isn't your home anymore.

Sure, it is, or that sign is a lie.

Besides, I come bearing gifts.

The only thing I want from you

are signed copies of our divorce papers.

I hear your request, and being that it's not

in my best interest to sign those papers,

I'd like to offer you a counter.

These are my house keys

as a gesture of goodwill.

This will always be my home,

but I respect that it is your house now.

Lydia, I just want you to be happy,

even if it means you sleeping with our son's best friend.

So you're bursting in here to tell me

you're not gonna burst in here anymore?

I don't burst. I arrive with gusto.

Do you have any bologna?

Hey, boss man. Love the new look.

Totes emo. Question for ya.

Since I've been spending a lot of time on Atticus' farm,

I've decided to write a country song.

Wondering, can I use your life?

It's totally Tennessee tragic.

I'm really not in the mood, Sam. Thank you.

Maybe you should look into some Transitions lenses.

My nana loves 'em.

Buddy. Okay.

I brought a growler of my Honesty Is the Best Pilsner.

You're going to drink this and tell me what's going on.

Nothing's going on!

Take off your grandmother's glasses and tell me that.

- Give me those! - No can do, buddy.

Fine. I'll be in my office.

Oh, that's good.

I knew that was the ladies' room.

I just needed a...

maxi pad.

For stuff.

Like maximum comfort and protection?

Right!

Something.

- Hi. - Babe, I think Nate might...

- Oh, I can come back. - No, no, no. It's fine.

It's fine. Harrison just came by to give us his blessing.

And make himself a sandwich.

Actually, I did ask you to make it, but...

I told Nate that if Lydia and I took us seriously,

eventually, you would too.

Well, that is exactly what has happened.

The positive effects of my vision board

are a constant surprise.

Up next, a hamburger in a hot dog shape.

Oh, how do I invest in that?

I have a kickstarter.

You know what? I have something for you.

Ha!

Wow, you're giving me a key?

Yes.

I feel like I should give you something.

- Here, you know what? -

I want you to have this.

What is it?

It's a thumb ring.

I got it from an indigenous man in Machu Picchu.

It symbolizes individuality and strength.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh, that is so...

Sweet.

I just got choked up. You know what?

I'm gonna run upstairs and get a chain

to put this around my neck

to wear it really close to my heart.

- Be right back. - Okay.

Mr. M, I just want to say...

Okay, let's cut the crap, kid.

I don't bless any of this.

But I know better than to tell a woman what to do.

So instead, I'm just going to grin and bear it,

like I do when I go to the ballet,