The IT Crowd

Is this your stapler, Roy?

No.

No, it's not.

I used it for one thing.

How many staples did you use?

Six or seven.

One, two, three, four...

five, six... Is that seven?

Why do you need to know?

I just do. I need to know, you know I need to know,

and you never count how many staples you've used.

Eight, nine... Oh, gonna have to do it in fives.

Five, 10, 15... Is that 20?

There you go, Moss.

Awright, 'arry? See that ludicrous display last night?

What was Wenger thinking, sending Walcott on that early?

Fing about Arsenal is, they always try an' walk it in.

True. See you later, Moss.

Mind 'ow you go.

What was that?

What?

You were saying football things, in a football voice!

Oh, it's this new site. It sends you a list

of football phrases that you can use in normal conversation,

updated daily. It's great.

I only use it so I can say something to the postman.

It's got a pronunciation guide, or...

pronunciation guide.

You can get it sent to your phone, so that even when I'm away

from my desk I can still sound like I'm just a big, normal man.

45, 50...

Oh, hey, Moss, send me a link for that, will you?

Right, I'm off.

Bit early!

Got a date.

Oh, right, with Michael?

That's right.

Looks like a magician?

Yeah.

What?

What?

He looks like a what?

This is Michael, right? The guy that came in last week?

He doesn't look like a magician.

Yeah, he does. He does, doesn't he, Moss?

Hmm?

The guy that came in looking for Jen?

Ah, Michael the Magnificent.

He doesn't look like a magician.

He does.

He doesn't.

He massively does.

He does, Jen.

Oh, shut up.

It's a lovely restaurant.

Isn't it? One of my favourites, actually.

One of the silly things I love about this restaurant, have you had a look

at these salt and pepper pots, they're really beautiful.

There's something about the shape, and I'm probably a bit of

a design freak but it's a kind of beautiful...

What are they saying that could possibly be that funny?

I'm funny, why can't I be over there making them laugh?

They're proper men, Roy.

We're men. We're proper men.

What's so different about us?

Seven, 14,

51, 35, 42,

49, 35...

Seven...

:'Did you see that ludicrous display last night?'

..21, 28...

Oh, referee - oh...

Did you see that ludicrous display last night?

What's Wenger doing sending Walcott on that early?

The thing about Arsenal is they always try and walk it in.

Exactly. Dan.

Roy.

But Chelsea, on the other hand, I like them suddenly.

: Yeah.

: Chelsea? You're having a laugh int'ya?

I'll put money in it if you like?

Nah, I've already got a pony on Liverpool,

so I probably won't see that again.

Dan, Moss. Moss, Dan.

Nice to meet you, son. Want a drink, boys?

We'll get this.

Nah, it's on me. Whatever these boys are having.

Here he is.

Roy, Moss, Derek, Luke. Moss here fancies Liverpool for the weekend.

Liverpool? You're having a laugh int'ya?

He's put a pony on it!

A pony?

Yeah, I know. Tell Barry!

Tell me what?

He's only put a pony on Liverpool.

You lunatic, eh?

So, who do you support?

Who do I support?

Yeah.

West Ham.

Did you say West Ham?

Is that all right?

All right?

What does that look like? A birthmark?

Look on his face!

Look on my face!

: Roy, can I have a natter with you?

It's about private man's business. I'm sure you boys will understand.

: Excuse me, please.

I'm a little bit scared, and I want to leave.

What?

We're in too deep, Roy. I'm worried they're going to find out

I don't know what a pony is. We should go.

I'm not going anywhere. I haven't paid for a drink

all night, and besides, once you get over the whole football thing,

they're actually surprisingly easy to talk to.

Maybe we're proper men!

Look, we're messing with stuff we don't understand.

We're through the looking glass.

Just promise me you will not let this get too far.

I promise.

Hooray. He's kicked the ball.

Now the ball's over there.

That man has it now.

That's an interesting development.

Maybe he'll kick the ball.

He has indeed and apparently that deserves a round of applause.

Will you shut up!

This is the worst thing in the world.

What could I do?

He bought the tickets on the phone when we were in the pub.

I could hardly say no, could I?

Can I use this?

I don't know.

Oh, they're singing! Maybe we should!

Just promise me we won't do anything else with them,

I want to go back to being weird.

I like being weird, weird's all I've got. That and my sweet style.

OK, look here, we'll make our excuses when the match is over.

How long do football matches last?

A billion hours apparently.

Gonna play poker tonight, you game?

I'm in.

Moss?

: I won't Dan, no.

Come on.

No, no can do. I'm seein' a bird.

Oh, really?

Yeah, why not.

What's she like?

Well, she's, er, not much to look at but she is very kind 'arted.

So as I say, I've gotta vamoosh.

What, you're not watching it?

They're 'aving a larf today.

We're winning.

No, they're having a larf.

Morning.

Oh, my word. When did the English start drinking like that?

You people drink like you don't want to live.

We do love to binge.

What happened to you?

I've got Cockney neck,

I've been speaking too much Cockney and it's done my blooming neck in.

< Oh, here she is.

Debbie McGee.

Morning, all. I'm off to break up with him.

What's wrong with you two?

We've been hanging out with men.

Why are you breaking up with him?

Why? What do you mean why?

Because he looks like a magician.

Doesn't he, though?

Oh, he totally does.

And ever since you two said it I haven't been able

to get it out of my head. So thanks, thanks a lot.

Another one bites the dust.

You're not breaking up cos of that?!

I can't be seen with that...mentalist.

Do you know what he does for a living?

He is a driving instructor.

A driving instructor who looks like a magician. It's preposterous.

That's almost the worst look a driving instructor could have.

So distracting.

Only clown would be worse.

Mmmm. Or mountie.

So, how was your night of poker with the boys?

Yeah, good, good.

I mean, I didn't... I wasn't brilliant at the start because,

you know, I was mostly vomiting.

Lovely.

But then I knuckled down and I brought my "A" game and, er,