Jackass Volume Three

This here is the bounty hunter skit.

He's the bounty and I'm the hunter.

Hey, can you keep an eye on him for a second if I'm inside here?

Just relax. Just relax for a minute. Keep an eye on him? Just for a minute.

Come on, man, don't just stand there, come on.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Hey, give me a hand? Can you-- -Give me a hand with this clown, huh?

-Come on. -Grow up...shut up.

You got some lD? You guys got some lD on you?

-Everything's totally in the van, yeah. -Totally in the van?

You just can't cuff a man like this, buddy, you're disturbing the peace.

Oh, I'm sorry. We were.... He's a friend of mine, actually.

Frankly, I don't believe you guys.

You guys look like a couple of...Iunatics or something.

-Yeah, here he comes. -How you doing?

-How you doing? You with these guys? -Yeah, we're doing a thing for MTV.

-MTV, what, you got a permit? -I don't have a permit.

-You don't have a permit. You got lD? -I don't have lD on me.

I can go to the car and get lD.

I don't believe you guys. You know, what the hell is this? You come here....

You can't do this. Where you guys from, anyways?

-From Los Angeles. -You better go back to Los Angeles.

For now, you're gonna have to go down to the station house with me.

Can I find out where these guys are going?

They're going downtown. Get in the car.

Get in the car.

Fellows, I got some bad news for you. You're under arrest...

for impersonating an officer. That's a felony.

And you, for disturbing the peace...

and I think there's a possible warrant on you.

A felony?

-A felony? No. -They're gonna take me to gaol.

I don't know, but it doesn't happen like this on COPS, huh?

And, by the way...

I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass.

-Shut up! -You son of a bitch.

Mother....

Mother...you gave me a heart attack.

You... That was so good. Oh, my God.

This is the Abe Lincoln beard of leeches.

Hey, hey, get them, get them.

Will you get them off my crotch?

Should I lay down?

I might have an Abe Lincoln mole of meeches. Leeches, I mean.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers founded...

upon this continent, a new nation...

conceived of liberty, and dedicated to the proposition...

that all men are created equal.

We are now in a....

We are now engaged in a civil war...

to test whether this nation, or any nation so conceived...

and dedicated can long endure.

One's in my mouth!

Liberate.

Penetrate.

And, boy, can l.... He's in my ear, get him out of my ear!

Yeah, I think you left off at "penetrate."

They won't.

Oh, sick!

That was a hairball of leeches.

This is my new contraption.

And it's gonna work.

This is ice barrel jumping.

One barrel, crap. It's like we're amateurs or something.

I can do four. Three is my unlucky number.

-All right. -You...got it! Let's go.

Did you hurt your unit?

I hurt my nuts.

I know you guys want me to eat... but that's not gonna happen.

It's not gonna happen.

Holy....

That's all I was waiting for.

That's what I needed to see, I didn't care about the makes.

Who cares about the makes? I wanna see people eating crap.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is my father, Phil.

And today we're gonna watch my nephew Dusty pass wind.

Drop my pants now?

-Yeah, drop them. -Okay.

-Mike him up good. -I'll mike him up good.

-Oh, Lord, what.... -God.

I think I got the wrong angle here.

Maybe you need to duct tape some of that hair off your ass.

Oh, he already started.

Oh, God. Wait, wait, not yet, don't start yet.

Put it closer in there.

Is that all you got?

No. I mean, it's like I'm about to crap and it's not coming.

Well, if you got to, you got to.

-How's the view from back there, Rob? -The view's great.

I've been to three world's fairs and four goat-screwings...

and I ain't never seen nothing like that.

Hey, Mum, come here for a second.

-Mum! -I can't.

-Come here for one second. -I can't.

-Oh, my God, he's crapped on himself. -Look, it's running down his ass.

He pooed, he pooed his pants.

Good Lord!

-ls that it for you, Dad? -That's it for me.

Oh, did you crap on the mike?

Hey, Lynne. Lynne!

Lynne, you need some.... Get some toilet paper.

Come on, go get it. Come on.

He's your son. He's your son, go get it.

It's right there, I'll show it to you. I'll show it to you, come on.

There. There it is.

No, no, no!

Please, God. No.

I don't want it.

Okay, take it towards the bathroom.

Take it towards the bathroom. Go. No!

Who is it?

You wanna see it?

-You wanna see it floating? -God! Sick.

Don't even think about touching that camera.

It's gone.

Bottle skating.

It's not a bottle.

When you asked for these, what'd you ask for? Bottles, right?

-Bottles. -I call them bottles.

-That's a bottle? -Water bottle.

A bottle's made out of glass.

-I call it a jug. -It's a jug.

Nice fall. Nice fall.

Did I go a couple?

I hit my knee.

-What you got? -A little water bottle.

It's not a bottle, it's a jug.

That was really good.

My job on this show is to be naked, not kill myself.

This sucks so bad.

I'm so bummed right now.

-I don't wanna do this. -Does bunny need a hug? Come on.

-Come on. -Can I have one, too?

It's okay.

All right. Today, me and Ehren are riding on this enormous hill...

on this horrible tandem bike that has no brakes.

We're dead.

Oh, shit!

That's the only bush Ehren's been in, in months.

Oh, my God!

Holy....

Holy shit.

That was so...up.

Oh, man.

It's there, man. You see it?

Bitch! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, son of a bitch!

Oh, crap!

Oh, my God! Why? Why me?

Oh, son of a bitch!

Oh, God! Excuse me, man. Excuse me, dude. Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, crap!

Oh, my goodness. Oh, goodie. Oh....

Oh, God!

Damn! Oh, man!

Oh, my God!

Oh, man.

Son of a bitch!

He hit me right in the chin.

I'll see you at the office.

These documents need to be done on time, let me tell you that.

-I can't believe he's making it. -He's rocking it out, dude.

Today we're going to a sperm bank for the first ever Jackass spermathon.

The events for which the contestants will be judged will be:.

sperm count, potency of the sperm, volume, and speed.

Let the games begin.

Stephanie will be our nurse today. She will be transporting...

the samples from the contestant to another nurse.

Now we're gonna draw the names to see who goes first.

All right, first...

-Preston. -I have the pole position...

which probably is an advantage in this situation.

I'll have to set the pace time. That might be hard.

I think I can handle it. My dad was a Marine Corps champion at Parris lsland.

Since one of the events today will be a speed round...

who can deliver the fastest...

Loomis will have a stopwatch, and he'll time the entrants...

from the point they walk in the door to the point they walk out of the door.

This is yours. We'll see you in a few minutes.

-I just need to frisk you first. -Oh, rock on.

-What's that? -That's Little P.

All right, you're clean.

You're supposed to put it through there, fool.

This way.

-Time? -Five minutes and 50 seconds.

I'm a little nervous 'cause, you know, I'm with a bunch of dudes...

and, frankly, I don't think I can do it around these guys.

See you later.

Did you walk in there erect already?

No, it was kind of hard. That was more minutes getting it...

-Up. -...up than getting it out.

We're at 11 and a half minutes.

I think we're bound to be here all day.

Come on, Kosick, come on.

Where is he?

-Time? -Damn!

Thirteen minutes, 29 seconds.

I wonder if that's a bad thing or a good thing in the long run.