Get Smart

Hymie, stand.

Y-11 calling KAOS,

Y-11 calling KAOS from CONTROL headquarters.

Man: This is KAOS. Go ahead.

Hymie the CONTROL robot has been programmed.

He's ready to begin. When the job is completed,

his memory bank will automatically erase itself.

He will be unable to recall what happened.

Excellent, proceed as planned.

Yes, sir.

Hymie, go.

To all departments, it has come to my attention that some members

of the CONTROL organization have been abusing the privileges

of the coffee break. One,

coffee breaks will be for 10 minutes duration.

Two, coffee cups will no longer be used for target practice.

Three...

Hymie, what's the meaning of this?!

I am going to kill you.

- ( Siren blares ) - Hey!

I'm going to kill you.

- ( Hammer clicking ) - I'm going to kill you.

Hymie, I'm The Chief. I'm your friend.

Chief!

Max, Max, quick!

Hymie's trying to kill The Chief.

- Hymie, stop it. It's me, Max! - What are you trying to do, Max?

I'm gonna have to short-circuit his wiring system.

- Hurry hurry. - Hymie, are you AC or DC?

- I am going to kill you. - Hurry, Max.

I think he's AC. I'll plug him into DC and see what happens.

- Quick! - Hold on, Chief,

use those fantastic throat muscles.

I am going to kill you.

- ( Thumps ) - 99: What happened, Chief?

He crashed through that door and said he was gonna kill me.

But this is impossible, Chief.

Hymie has been a loyal member of CONTROL

ever since we stole him from KAOS.

Max, Hymie is a robot... a machine. And machines can be dangerous.

What are we going to do?

- We'll have to destroy him. - Destroy him!

You can't destroy Hymie. Hymie's my friend.

Max, this friend just broke through my office door,

smashed my desk to pieces and almost strangled me

with his bare hands! How do you explain that?

I said he was my friend,

not yours.

Kirsch, Phelps... you men are in charge of security procedures.

- Have you any idea how this happened? - No, sir.

- Is Hymie locked up? - Yes, sir.

He's harmless until his main power unit is reactivated.

Keep him that way. I don't want him breaking up

- any more of our furniture. - Yes, sir.

I just can't believe he did it.

- Why?! - Because he's programmed for neatness.

I don't care what he's programmed for, he's got to be disassembled,

- and you're gonna do it. - Me?! Why me?

Why not? You brought him into the organization, didn't you?

I can't do that to Hymie, Chief. Hymie is my friend.

Why, he saved my life once.

- He's like a brother to me. - Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.

What's his religion got to do with it?

He's a robot... a mechanical man... and I want him disassembled.

- I won't do it. - You won't?

No, I won't! I'd rather you have me disassembled than Hymie.

- Hmm... - I'll do it.

- Okay, Hymie, cough. - ( coughs )

- ( Boings ) - Oh, boy.

My guess is that someone has really been tampering around with your insides.

Now think, Hymie. Think hard.

Don't you remember anything that happened at all?

The last thing I remember, I was in the lab oiling my teeth.

- Oiling your teeth? - I oil my teeth twice a day

and see a mechanic every six months.

- Oh. - I have a tendency to rust.

The next thing I knew was a few minutes ago

when you reactivated my main power unit.

You don't remember attacking The Chief

- and trying to choke him? - No.

Hmm. I'll tell you this much,

unless we get some clues on how this happened,

- I'm gonna have to... - I know, Max.

You'll have to disassemble me.

- I can't do it, Hymie. - You have to do it, Max.

- It's your duty. - Don't tell me my duty.

- I know what it is. - Don't worry about me, I understand.

The security of the nation is at stake.

- Oh, Hymie. - I've had a good life.

Will you stop talking like that, Hymie?

Hymie, will you please be quiet? I can't concentrate.

- Just shut your trap. - ( slams )

Hymie, do you have to take everything I say so literally?

I'm sorry, Max.

Okay, just get a grip on yourself.

Forget it, Hymie.

This is what I want you to do.

This is the key to my apartment... take it, get over there and stay there.

But someone will see me when I leave here.

Not if you jump out the window.

It's only 10 or 12 feet down.

"13'10" from windowsill to point of impact.

Make as little noise as possible.

Try to jump on the grass, not the pavement.

- Right. - Oh, Hymie,

If anybody sees you going into my apartment, tell them you're my cousin.

- Right. - Okay.

- Is anybody coming? - No.

Okay. Now remember, jump on the grass,

not the sidewalk.

Okay... jump!

Missed it by that much.

Oh, hello, uh... I was looking for Max.

- Is he home? - No.

I haven't seen you around here before. Are you a friend of his?

I am Max's cousin. May I help you?

Oh, yes, I wanted to borrow some sugar.

- Sugar. - Just enough for a cup of coffee.

Or two.

I have to tell you, men, this has been a trying experience for Max.

- We understand, Chief. - ( clanking )

I'm finished, Chief.

So long, Hymie.

Are you all right, Max?

Yes, Chief, but this has been kind of a sad day for me.

I'd like to go home.

Of course. You can have the whole day off...

and take tomorrow off too.

Thank you, Chief.

With pay?

Okay.

How about overtime?

Overtime?! No, absolutely not!

Okay, okay, you don't have to shout.

I may be greedy, but I'm not deaf.

- Hello, Hymie. - Have a nice day at the office?

Yes, thank you. I think I'll just fix myself a cup of coffee

and then we'll get down to work.

- Do you use sugar? - No.

- Good. - Why?

- There isn't any. - There isn't any?

But that's ridiculous, I've just bought a 10-lb bag.

Listen, Hymie, I'm getting a little worried

that someone has been tampering with your mechanism.

Many have looked at my works.

Did they touch any tubes or fiddle with your wires?

I don't think so.

Try and remember, Hymie,

because if someone has been tampering with your circuits,

it would have to be somebody from inside of CONTROL.

That means we've got a spy in our midst.

I have checked my memory tape.

- There's no record of tampering. - Hmm...

Let's see. I've got some books here on electronics.

Maybe if I look through them, I can find out some...

Now, let's see, if we take these two wires,

and put them over here by the connecting rod,

I think we got something, Hymie.

Hymie, where is my cigarette?!

- I put it in my pocket. - You put it in your pocket.

May I ask you why you put it in your pocket?!

It was getting the ashtray dirty again.

Okay, Hymie.

A-ha, just as I thought...

- there is a spy. - Really?

He must be very small.

No, Hymie, I didn't mean inside of you,

I meant inside of CONTROL.

You tickle me.

Will you stop that?!

That's just an expression, Hymie.

Now, it's obvious that you've been rewired.

That's why you attacked The Chief.

Think... can you remember anybody else being

inside of there besides me?

I have a vague memory of a pair of cold hands.

They probably erased your memory tape.

- What do we do now? - Well,

whoever the spy is who was fooling around inside here

probably thinks that you're destroyed,

and we've got to have him think that way

so it'll give us time to find out who it is.

- Right. - Now,

we've got to take every precaution

to see that nobody knows that you're here.

That means no standing by open windows,

no loud talking and if someone should happen to knock at the front door,

don't make a sound.

- ( Knocks ) - Come in.

- Hello, Max. - Phoebe?!

I just wanna return the sugar I borrowed from your cousin.

Oh, thank you.

My cousin? Oh, yes, of course, my cousin.

- You two have met? - Well, not formally.

- My name is Hymie. - How do you do? My name is Phoebe.

Uh, Phoebe is The Chief's niece.

By the way, Phoebe, what are you doing here in Washington?

I just decided to come in for a few days.

My uncle suggested I take a room here

and you could kind of look after me.