Youth in Revolt

My name is Nick.

My last name, which I loathe, is Twisp.

Which would be a nice name...

...if I planned on becoming an evil nurse in a mental institution.

I am a voracious reader of classic prose...

...an aspiring novelist...

...and feel the world would be a better place...

...if every radio station played Sinatra's "My One and Only Love"...

...at least once an hour.

Needless to say, I'm still a virgin.

I live in Oakland with my charming mother.

- Estelle... - Her latest boyfriend, Jerry...

...is a truck driver and pathological liar.

If a woman answered the phone, it was probably just the maid.

He's a real prize.

I'm gonna bite you.

No.

- Hi, Nick. - Hi.

- Have three more for you. - Oh, thanks, Mr. Ferguson.

Our neighbor Mr. Ferguson likes to bring us mail from our mailbox.

He's a former activist with a bleeding heart and too much time.

He's always getting arrested for staging protests...

...and harboring illegal aliens in his basement.

He's a good man, but very strange.

My dad is currently in between jobs.

He would love to not have to work at all...

...but he's burdened with crippling child-support payments.

When am I gonna start getting an allowance?

I'm getting tired of not having a cell phone.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to work it out with your mom.

- Lacey is Dad's girlfriend. - Baby...

...I cooked for you.

- You made me a snack. - Come here.

She's 25 and a budding cosmetologist.

- I love it. - Does my baby like it?

It's amazing and incredibly irritating to me...

...how much action everyone around me seems to be getting.

With one exception.

My sister saw Millie holding hands with some college guy.

My friend Lefty's had a crush on a girl named Millie Filbert since third grade.

He's the only person more miserable than I am.

You know, I've been taping my dick to my right leg at night with duct tape.

I think of Millie in her green summery dress...

...and I get hard. It starts to push against the tape...

Putting counter-rotational tension on the shaft.

- Right. - That's nice.

In case you haven't heard, Lefty's erect member...

...takes a sudden and dramatic turn to the east about midway up.

- War. - Well, you might wanna get it fixed...

...before you ask Millie out.

That's very true.

What if I shove it up the wrong hole?

What if we go out and she doesn't even like me?

We get to know each other and she hates me?

We get married and have a kid...

...but he's not good at anything, has no talents?

I wonder if it's worth it.

Either way, you probably wanna get your dick straightened out.

- Is Jerry here? - He just went out.

That hunk-of-shit Chevy he sold us...

...made it 17 miles before the engine blew up.

And we found evidence of a banana in the transmission.

So he owes us $900.

Well, I'm quite certain that he spent that $900 on his new Lincoln.

Maybe you'd better come back and speak with him directly.

He's a pretty stubborn man, so you might have to get physical.

That can be arranged.

After living in Oakland for 16 years...

...I've noticed it's filled with women who have zero interest in me.

Hey, Karen.

Nick.

Oh, right. Physics?

American History. You were close.

What is that?

Oh, La Strada . It's a Fellini movie.

So random.

They were out of Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous ...

...so I went for a random...

- Chad. Fuck you. - Oh, fuck you, you love it.

Hey, does that movie come with tampons for your pussy?

You know, Chad, I'll be upset if it doesn't.

In the movies, the good guy gets the girl.

In real life it's usually the prick.

Nick, get out here.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick, do you know anything about this?

Oh, yeah. Those sailors came by. They want their money back.

Apparently there was some sort of banana in the transmission.

You tell them I was coming back?

Now, why would I do that?

Jerry, what are you gonna do?

Go get the Lincoln washed.

You're leaving?

What happens when that sailor comes back?

To escape the threat of ill-tempered sailors...

...we're going to Clear Lake for a week...

...to stay in a cabin owned by a friend of Jerry's.

Since I have no life, I figure I have nothing to lose.

We're going on vacation.

Jerry.

I thought you said it was a cabin.

Come on, Estelle. It's real cute on the inside.

I say we let the kid do the dishes...

...and you and I retire to the master bedroom.

Do you think Jerry is someone that I can...

...look forward to having around for years to come?

Nick, how many men are interested in a woman who's 48 years old...

...has a kid, no money and stretch marks?

I think you're selling yourself short, Mom.

Leave open the possibility of a stretch-mark fetishist.

Oh, watch your smart mouth.

So you're gonna do the dishes, okay, hon?

Gerald and I will be in back, playing Scrabble.

Your robe's open.

- So are you staying near here? - We live down the block.

Oh, spitting distance.

So to speak.

Hi, Stuck-up.

- Hi. - Honey, this is Sheeni Saunders.

She stopped by to introduce herself. Isn't that neighborly?

- Yes. Yes. - She's on her way to the store.

I volunteered your help carrying her bags.

Sounds fun.

You know, your family's arrival...

...excited considerable interest among the residents.

- Your father's beer cooler on the... - Oh, no, he's not my father.

Jerry's my mother's consort.

He and I have no blood links of any kind.

Well, that seems to be worth something.

Yesterday the most exciting thing in my life...

...was the thought of Jerry being beaten senseless by three sailors.

Now I'm spending time with a beautiful, interesting girl...

...and I have no idea how it happened.

Here we are.

Wow, a second floor.

Yes. Father bought it so we could look down on the world.

What does your father do?

He's a lawyer.

Wow, this is really nice.

- Where are your parents? - They're at church.

Would you like a tour?

Sure.

Kitchen.

This is Mother's Farfisa organ.

Father added this extension so he could fit these 64 pipes in.

Dining room.

Here's a family portrait.

And this is my room.

Didn't you just love Breathless?

Jean-Paul was completely gripping.

If you like French people, I suppose. Yeah.

I can see it.

I think my favorite film was Tokyo Story .

I just think Mizoguchi is a great director.

It's a great film.

But wasn't that by Ozu?

Who can say?

There's nothing quite as good as vinyl.

Yeah, it's very textural.

- Do you like Frank Sinatra? - I do.

But my all-time favorite is...

...Serge Gainsbourg.

So you really like the French, don't you?

I wanna live in France.

I wanna live all over the world.

I know there's so much more than this out there.

My parents are religious fanatics.

They're exhausting.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Sheeni?

Do you think you'd like to join me at the beach tomorrow after breakfast?

I'd love to.

- Yes? - Hello, Mr. Saunders. I'm Nick.

I'm here to see Sheeni.

I understand you've invited her to the beach.

That's right.

Well, I trust, sir, you are aware that in doing so...

...you have entered into an oral contract...

...to perform in loco parentis...

...i.e., to provide for the safety and welfare...

...of aforementioned minor female.

- Ready? - Very ready.

Bye, Father.

Goodbye, Mr. Saunders.

Would you mind applying this to my exposed areas?

Sure.

You get turned on easily.

Don't stop, Nick. It's only natural.

Girls are fortunate in that it doesn't show.

For all the world knows...

...my vagina could be moist with desire as we speak.

Is it?

Should we do my front now?

Okay.

I'm up for it.

Thank you.

What's your last name?

Dillinger.

Twisp.