I Love LA

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-Wow, this is crazy. -I know.

It, like, sucks the hangover right out.

I love scientists.

I need to do IVs more often.

I always randomly have a sore throat.

My doctor, um, he does, like, an Instagram Live

every morning at 9 a.m.

If you wanna, like, drop a little question in the comments,

he's really good about replying to women.

What? What?

I just got a DM from this really, really sexy chef.

Look at her. She's kind of a bully,

-but like in a hot way. -Oh, my God,

she's the head chef at Ginny!

It's a really cute spot right now.

It's like really hard to get into for civilians.

She just invited me to come tonight.

Dude, run that shit.

-Should we go? -Yeah, I'm so fucking down.

Say yes.

-Cute! - Oh, my God.

My phone is, like, blowing up.

Okay, why do people keep on sending me this?

Hi, my loves.

Um, so I literally hate making a video like this,

because you guys know I pride myself, right,

-on being a girl's girl? -What the fuck?

But I don't wanna name names,

and I don't want you guys guessing the wrong person.

So, I'm just gonna share that it's Tallulah Stiel.

-Are you fucking kidding?! -Tallulah.

-Ow! Ow! Oh, my God! -Ow!

-Ah, I'm bleeding. -No.

-I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding! -Yeah, same.

-Hold on, hold on. -I need a Band-Aid.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Um, okay.

-Alani, I need a Band-Aid. -I know!

-Ow! -It's in my arm.

- Okay, I have, um... - What did she say?

-...she stole my Balenciaga. -

Okay, um, I have nipple covers,

but take two, 'cause my nipples are really fuckin' small.

Yeah, um, so TRESemmé only works

with, like, a few influencers a year,

so it's actually like a huge deal

that they hired Tallulah.

What's the ask, honey?

Um, it's like 20k for like one day of work.

-That's great. -I know.

How long do the images run?

-Six months. -Okay, yeah, not too bad.

-Yeah. - You have to be careful on these deals.

-Sometimes they have an option-- -No, no, no.

I actually pushed back on option length

'cause I knew about that,

and I got six months 'cause they wanted a year.

Nice catch, honey.

-Your mom wants to say hi. - Maia.

-Hi. -Are you still breaking out?

-I wonder if it's hormonal. -

I just read an article the other day about a girl

who stopped eating eggs and her skin cleared right up.

- -Okay, well, I have to eat eggs, Mom.

Ugh, your sister's acne is terrible right now too.

-I don't know how to help her. -Oh, my God.

Wait, I have to go. I have a work call.

-Bye-- -Bye.

So, not only is she a coked-out and awful friend

but she's a criminal and a kink shamer.

Like, girl, pick a struggle!

-Fuck! Fuck. -Imagine my surprise--

Oh, my God, fuck.

- - Hi.

Are people texting you about it?

Uh, whatever happened to, "Hello, how are you?

-How's your day?" -Hey!

Are people texting you about it?

Yeah, baby, it's bad.

Even my old group chats are reactivating.

Like, my Birthright group chat randomly talking about it.

Mostly they're talking about other things, but...

-Mm, it's fine. -Okay, do you think Tallulah

is gonna lose the TRESemmé deal?

Alyssa will freak out.

If Tallulah gets a reputation as being brand unsafe,

I'm fucked. I'm literally fucked.

Like, what is she gonna do? Write a book?

Slow down, it's fine.

I mean, reputations ended in 2017.

Everyone knows that, and, like, look at me.

Mimi Rush fired me and it's like no one even cares.

We're fine. Okay, I have to go get my matcha.

-I love you so much, you're a star. -Okay.

-Okay, bye. -Okay, I love you, bye.

You're always such a dream.

And send me that video of your daughter's play.

-Okay. -Sorry, it's a whole thing.

-Hi, Maurice. -There's a line.

I know. Um...

Okay, I've been cutting too much.

I'll-- I'll tone it down. Uh, but right now, I really--

Management says no more line cuts.

Mmm.

Mimi Rush? Okay, I get it.

So, you just wanna take the side of, like, a pop star

you're never gonna meet instead of a guy you know?

Hey, you wanna know the last thing she said to me?

-What? -She said, "I hate my fans."

-You're making that up. -Good day.

It's not true.

-She really meant it. - Yes, hi.

Hey, line, just so you guys know,

the guy making your matchas inside

did have three fingers up my ass very recently.

She's a total ketamine fiend.

She would sell your mother's soul for a bump.

Okay.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How is she? -She's, uh, she's freaking out.

Oh, God. Okay. Tallulah?

What's wrong? What are you looking for?

- Hey. -Your vape?

I've got a backup.

There you go.

Yeah, hit that, that's good. Alright.

- -How are you feeling?

-Horrible. -Okay.

Everybody hates me and I'm having a panic attack.

-Yeah. -I tried to give her an edible

a-and she wouldn't take it.

-I took it. -Okay.

And now, you're...

-High. -...really high?

Alright, guys, I think let's all take a breath.

It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.

No, it's not gonna be fine.

People are saying I have shark eyes.

You do not have shark eyes.

You have deer eyes, if anything.

Like Bambi. Sexy.

Yeah, one of the sexy animals.

Don't read the comments, okay? People are gonna use this

as an excuse to call you ugly.

They're not calling me ugly.

They're saying I'm a horrible person.

You're not a horrible person.

You're not perfect but, like, none of us are.

- You are beautiful and good, guys. -

-We are all beautiful and good. -

Well, it's official. Everyone wants me dead.

Mimi Rush has turned the entire service industry against me.

-I'm banned from Canyon Coffee. - Oh, my--

-No! -Banned from Canyon?

-So, no more coffee ever? -I pride myself...

- -No, of course, I can have coffee.

I'm banned from cutting. Why are you not more mad?

This affects all of us.

What am I supposed to do, wait in line

like I'm an assistant at UTA?

I just need to defend myself.

Fuck these losers in the fucking comments.

-You guys better strap in-- -How 'bout you suck my dick from the back...

- Whoa! -...you fucking piece of shit?

Whoa, okay. Tallulah, I think don't engage in the comments, alright?

With situations like this, it's sensitive,

there could be consequences.

Let's just, you know, like, think a little

before we respond.

How the fuck does Mimi Rush control everything

that the service workers are doing?

Because Mimi Rush is a gay icon,

and all service workers are gay, at least the ones that matter.

And they all have the same Adderall dealer,

and they all fucking talk.

She posted revenge porn on some piss fetish subreddit.

- - I'm sorry, I feel like I know her.

Can you-- can you play that back?

-Alani, no. -

I cannot believe this bitch.

This is slander. This is slander, isn't it?

-Your dad's a lawyer, right? -He works in insurance.

-Did you see what she said in part three? -Okay, Tallulah.

-I'm so sorry. -Did you see the stuff in part three?

-Just give it-- No. -You-- you-- no. No. No.

-Well, let me see-- then give me-- -You can't look at the phone.

- - Oh, my God.

- Ooh. - Oh, my God!

-It's done. This is done. -Why would you do that?!

I obviously need my phone!

I need to message everyone back

and tell them to fucking kill themselves!

-Okay, Tallulah. -Hey, Lula,

keep the negative energy over there.

-Oh! -You need to let me handle this, okay?

Just give me 24 hours.

I promise you, I will take care of it.

Alyssa has resources for this, okay?

Okay?

-Okay. -Okay.