Semi-Detached - First Season

Audiovisual events coordinator. Yeah. For weddings.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Fuck off! I'm trying to win an election.

What? I thought you'd like it. I like it. Whatever.

Dad! Stuart!

This is Igor.

Yeah.

Have you ever heard of something called a Ponzi scheme?

Yeah. I've done a Ponzi scheme.

You're gonna end up back in prison. I'll go and put her down.

She thinks I'm no fun. I made shitty beef. Bollocks!

Charlie's bleeding me dry.

Surprise! My IBS is out of control,

and now I've eaten a tub of Dad's drugs. Gordon Bennett!

You're absolutely useless! Have you been crying?

Ted! I don't feel very well!

Oh, shit!

Sorry. Traffic. Yeah, I'm doing 80 now in the fast lane,

so I'd better get off the phone.

Yeah, be there in 20, max.

Stu! Why aren't you at work? I thought you were DJing tonight.

Where is it?

I forgot my iPad. It's got all my music on.

Oh, Daddy Bear... We wish you didn't have to go.

Bertha wants you to come to baby Pilates.

She didn't fancy the swings?

I got a deal on 12 sessions. Only 300 quid.

They fixed the slide.

Hope that's OK, Daddy Bear?

Yeah, it's absolutely fine.

Have you seen my iPad? Willie's got it.

Right. We'll miss you.

You were amazing last night.

Thanks. Sorry about the noises.

It's fine.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Dad!

Dad!

I'm in the middle of something!

Oh, Christ. We talked about this. It's a free country!

Have you got my iPad? Stop lurking. Enter!

Don't you need a minute to...? Just come in!

What's this? Huh, eBay.

Why? Healthy body, healthy balls.

Have you seen my iPad? Oh, that wee gadget's a revelation.

It's opened the floodgates to a world of endless filth.

Ever heard of Grindr?

Grindr? Gay Tinder.

Right. What's Tinder?

Straight Grindr. It's for hook-ups. I turned on location services

and every randy bugger in the area comes knocking!

I'll never leave the house again!

I've asked you not to bring strangers into the house.

It makes April feel uncomfortable. And me. And Bertha.

I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

A great big randy mouse.

Dad, iPad. Charlie took it.

Charlie!

Fuck it! Jesus Christ! You're meant to be a sure thing. Thanks a lot, Stuart!

I've got a fiver on this.

Well, you have. Unless I win. In which case we'll split it - in my favour.

I told you not to mess with my iPad. It's got my work playlists on.

I had to send an e-mail. Use your phone.

I can't. They trace phones. No-one's after you, Charlie.

That's because I go to great lengths to conceal my whereabouts.

Stay off social media, always clear your cookies, never use the same device twice.

I am the Invisible Man. I do not exist.

Dad's turned on location services.

What people? I was doing some accounts for a small family of debt collectors.

And I might have invested some of their money

into my high-yield investment programme.

You mean Ponzi scheme.

Yeah. And?

Oh, come on, Stu. Debt collectors.

Bunch of bald shithouses with thick necks and fingers like sausages.

If they've traced my e-mail, that means they know where I am.

And that means I'll be bundled off into a van and dragged into a shallow grave.

Maybe you should pack up your things and go.

No shit. Give us some cash. I need going-away money.

No chance. I know where your iPad is.

All right, fine.

Madonna's got it.

Oi! There's 20 quid in the biscuit tin!

I've had that!

Stu! Got a moment to discuss Doyle?

Not really. Only we're off in a tick.

What is it, Barry? You're supposed to be looking after her.

Am I? Gordon Bennett! Did April not tell you?

I've really got to get to work. Two minutes of your time.

Pop in the house. Need to talk you through her routine.

It's vital you're aware of her whims.

You don't want her squirting up your curtains.

Oh...

All right, two minutes. But it's going to have to be really quick.

Little tip for you. She gets a bit bitey, so have some TCP to hand.

Right. She's a sweetheart, really.

Right. Except when she's angry.

OK.

She's been angry quite a lot recently. Has she?

But I'm sure she'll be fine with you.

Grab a seat and I'll get the instructions.

Sandy.

Doyle.

Look at her. Doesn't she look sad?

Can't really tell.

Poor little baby's...

...got a fungal infection.

Right, first things first. She's not well, so don't let her out of the house.

She'll stuff herself with grass and then void her bowels.

She's not been the same since we lost Bodie.

She sits at the end of the bed and wails all night.

Right. Is that it?

She likes it when you squeeze her.

Yes, but not too hard. She's got a dicky bladder.

Which reminds me. Pills!

Barry, I've really got to go. Half a tick.

Where are you going? West Country.

Weekend of rumpy-pumpy and scrumpy!

He means sex.

And cider.

Blue ones under the tongue.

Red ones right up inside the anus.

Easy way to remember.

Blue tongue. Red bum.

Got it. Is that all? It's important

you get it right. Oh, God, yes.

Don't get it the other way round. You'll kill her.

What is it?

Blue tongue. Red bum.

Teacher's pet. She's terrific company!

Provided you don't make her angry.

Or ignore her.

Or forget to stroke her tummy.

Just like me.

I should go. I'll drop her off before we leave.

Barry, she's leaking again! Get a cloth!

You.

Is that Stuart?

Hi, Kate. You look nice. This is all your fault.

Sorry. You truly are a lingering disappointment.

Yes, thank you, Mother. What have I done?

You were supposed to be at Madonna's gig last night.

Was I? Oh, she doesn't ask you for much.

She didn't ask me. Did she?

She's been crying all morning and now she won't come out of her room.

He's piled it on.

I binge when I'm tired.

I'm giving a speech at the Teen Hero awards.

We're supposed to be going as a family, so you need to sort this out right now.

Olive, Pat? Stop trying to butter me up

Where's your dad?

He's in the car. You know how he feels about conflict.

It didn't stop him sinking the Belgrano.

He was a naval Commodore. What have you ever done?

I DJed Frankie Dettori's wedding.

We know, Stuart. Everybody knows.

Go on.

He shook my hand. Stuart.

Fuck off! Don't talk to me like that!

Have you got my iPad?

This isn't about you.

I'm not going to the awards!

Can I come in? I'm sorry about your gig.

Your dad's come to apologise. Can we come in?

Whatever!

Oh, sweetheart! I know your dad can be an idiot, but he really is sorry.

I'm sorry, love. I must have forgotten. I've got a lot on my plate.

You never have any time for me!

Dad... What are you doing?

What's going on? You're going to ruin everything.

I thought you were upset. I am now!

I'm sorry. I don't remember anything about a gig.

Cos I didn't invite you.

I just needed a reason to be upset so I wouldn't have to go to these awards.

Why did you have to blame me? Easy target.

Oh, thanks. I'm not going.

I have to sort this out, or your mum won't let me go to work.

And if I don't go to work, I won't be able to pay the mortgage.

And if I don't pay the mortgage, we'll be out on the street.

And then who's going to pay for baby Pilates?

All right. Calm down. I'll go, then.

Really?

On one condition. What?

250.

Oh, piss off! I'll get the cheapest one.

That is the cheapest one.

Sorry, love. It's too much.

OK.

Oh! All right.

Thanks, Dad.

Where's my iPad? Gave it to Grandpa Ron.