The Witchfinder

The Witchfinder General will need a new right-hand man!

Borrow a couple of horses, off we go,

we should be in Chelmsford marginally after dark.

Argh! Rely on oneself, pull up the drawbridge.

What was their name?

Something like Dorothy. So, Dorothy, yeah?

If you want to, you could help me find my master.

We'd be happy to.

Some people warned me not to come through here.

I have children! Please! They're maniacs. All of them.

I'm no good to you dead, am I?

You stay here, you'll be cinders in an hour.

Going somewhere, Mr Bannister? Do you know this woman?

This is... His wife. Ha...

Oh, congratulations!

Thank you, pal. Thank you.

Well, let's see it, then!

See? See what? The ring!

Oh, you mean the wedding ring?

Yes, just trying to think what we did with it. Um...

We don't actually have... Oh, here we go. There it is, look.

Yeah, it's a family heirloom.

His grandmother gave it to us after she died.

Well, not after she died. She couldn't! She was dead.

But she did say that she was going to give it to us,

then she died. Sadly.

Then we got it off her just with a bit of soap.

And some hot water, yeah.

It's beautiful. Sure is, yeah.

It looks a bit like yours, Catherine.

It does, but mine's a bit more...

Oh!

Oh, I must have left it in the...

You really should wear your wedding ring, Catherine.

Marriage is a sacrament. Yes, sorry.

We've got to get off. We had, we had.

In the middle of the feast?! Chelmsford awaits!

I thought you wanted to borrow a horse and cart?

Nah, you're all right, we'll walk. Come on.

Come on. Chelmsford?

You need to go right through Dedham Vale, not back that way.

But don't worry, there may be many villagers in the Vale,

but they're all God-fearing people like us.

You can be sure of a warm welcome.

Thank you. Thank you.

Just...go through...

All right?

There's no need to be rude!

I'm just asking you which way he went.

Yeah, and I'm telling you... It's none of our beeswax.

Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell out another.

Master Gideon's not a beekeeper!

He can't stand the little...

Alice, could you fetch my coin purse from the cart?

I might purchase some honey.

BEES BUZZ

These yellow and black ones, what are they called?

Bees.

You must be fond of them. I am fond of them, yeah.

And they of you? I like to think so, yeah.

They wouldn't hurt you at all?

No. The bee's a very placid animal.

Much like Cumberlidge. Unless provoked.

Also like Cumberlidge. Which hand do you write with?

Which hand...? Do you write with?

I'm sorry? Don't be. Just answer the question.

Would you like me to repeat the question?

I can repeat the question. Which hand do you write with?

Which hand do you favour? What's your dexterous hand?

Are you right or left-handed?

Well, I'm right-handed, but...

Oh, no! Please, no, no! No, please!

HE SCREAMS, BEES BUZZ

Walk and smile, smile and walk.

We're just two normal newlyweds walking along normally.

Well, start acting like it, then.

Just because you like the idea of our being married...

SHE SCOFFS I don't like it.

Oh, I think we all know the kind of warped fantasies women

like you forge in the fleshy kiln of their loins.

Oh, God, there's one.

Maybe it's easier if we just say that I am a travelling merchant

and you're my bag carrier.

I'm not your bag carrier. I'll say you're my bag carrier.

Well, I'll say you're MY bag carrier.

Why would I be your bag carrier?

Why would I be YOUR bag carrier?

And what merchant? What are you selling?

I trade mainly in spices. Where are they?

Well, they're not on me. I have an emporium.

What are they? The spices? Salt.

Salt's not a spice. What is it, then, a drink?

Spices grow, salt does not grow. All right, privet, you grow privet.

Privet is not a spice. That's a hedge.

A hedge can be a spice. No, it can't.

Hedges can be spices. A hedge... Do you want to survive? Yes, I do.

Then we need to get our story together - and fast.

Now, what are we? Are we married, or are we merchants?

I don't see why we have to come up with a story.

They're not going to think

I'm a witch just cos I'm with a man and I'm not married.

These people are demented.

There are eight miles and God knows how many villages

until we're out of Dedham Vale.

We need to paint a picture for them, or they will paint their own.

And if they start to wonder, we don't know where...

Hello there! ..that will end.

Hello. Hello. Oh, God, they're coming.

We need to know enough about each other to suggest

that we are a couple rather than two strangers who've only just met.

Are you listening? I wasn't, but I am now.

My name is Gideon Bannister.

I was born in Framlingham to George and Mary.

I have no siblings, never wanted any. I was schooled at Milesford

then at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs.

I enjoy birdsong, scripture and good tailoring.

I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's Chapel, Wickham Market.

We hope to have two children, both of them boys. Now you.

My name is Thomasine Gooch.

Bannister, Bannister... Thomasine Bannister.

My mum and dad are William and Eliza - not that way round -

I have a brother, but he died, and a fiance that ran off.

I used to have a dog, but he fell in a hole, so we just heard him

barking for days and we'd throw food down, but when we went back

one day, we couldn't hear any barking, so we think he either

died or he climbed out.

I think that he climbed out, but my mum said the dogs don't climb

because they have their knees on backwards like cows.

Why are you telling me this? Who needs to know this?

Hello! Good day to you.

I'm sorry to shout you over, but I just had to say hello

to the newlyweds.

Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast!

All part of the Dedham Vale welcome. And on that note...

So, how was it, the big day? It was lovely. Lovely. Erm...

His parents, George and Mary... George and Mary.

And her mother, Eliza, was looking...

..down from heaven. ..quite radiant.

She's in heaven?

And so how was she looking radiant?

She was... I'll tell you what it was...

I'm thinking of the organist, who was looking radiant

and was maybe a woman in her mid-60s... Mm-hm. Uh-huh.

..and she was there.

Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah, not there

for the perfectly reasonable excuse of her...death.

So you didn't know that your wife's mother was dead?

Give us a chance! We only just got married. Yesterday!

Then, it's time for celebration!

No, no. No, it's not.

For luck, ivy, that they may grow intertwined as it does.

Well, that's lovely. Now...

And the spilt seed of a ram...

Pardon me, the spilt seed...?

Semen. Semen. ..that they may grow fertile.

Very kind of you.

And of the ram. And of the ram.

Oh, believe me, he likes it.

You have a way with people, don't you, Mr Hebble.

I can't thank you enough for your help.

You've made an old woman feel very special.

When you see her, tell her she's welcome.

I'm the old woman!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I see what you did there. You are most kind.

I've often prayed for a sign or for a helping hand from the Lord

and that's why he sent you, an angel from above.

Because he does do that, does the Lord.

Look at how he sent a great flood so Noah could show off his new boat.

Look at how when Moses was stranded by the Red Sea,

the Lord made a pass so he could walk right through it.

And if a path isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

Nor do I, Alice.

Nor do I.

Nooses. You make these yourself, do you?

She's making it in front of you.

Always good to have a hobby.

We need to get out of here. Why don't you just...?

Look at your two, couple of lovebirds!

Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds who must fly, I'm afraid.

Not often you see a married couple show so much affection.

How do you mean? Well, there's barely a cross word between you.

It's almost hard to believe. Hard to believe? Why?

Not like many married couples I know.

Oh, believe me, we sometimes make our feelings clear, don't we?

So, for example, I will say,

"Why do you always speak with your mouth full?"

And I might say, "Why do you have to look down on people?

"Why can't you just be kind?"

I might say, "Kindness has to be earned. You can be quite ill mannered."

I might say, "You might have manners, but it's what's behind the manners."

I might say, "Oh, eh, I must hear this.

"What's behind my manners?"

"You're mean, you're inconsiderate, you're dishonest, you're vain."

And I say, "Have you quite finished?" "You don't listen.

"You tut, you snore, you roll your eyes..."

I'll say, "Now have you finished?" "You've no honour,

"even though it seems to be the only thing that you care about.

"You're short-tempered, you're a hypocrite and you're not nice."

Now have you finished?