Dumb and Dumber

Excuse me, couId you teII me how to get to the medicaI schooI?

I'm giving a Iecture in 20 minutes and my driver is a bit Iost.

You go straight ahead and make a Ieft over the bridge.

That's a IoveIy accent you have. New Jersey?

Austria. - Austria?

WeII, g'day mate!

Let's put another shrimp on my Bar-B!

Let's not.

Who's got the wiener schnitzeI?

There you go, doII. There you go.

Let's see, next we've got rosbif a Ia jus.

Who's got the rosbif a Ia jus? They were beautifuI.

WaIk away.

Last but not Ieast, foot Iong! Who's got the foot Iong?

Very funny, RascaI. In your dreams.

Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show you?

Sorry, couIdn't send them to perform on an empty stomach.

Get a move on. - Yes. Mutt Cutts understood.

Sock me sideways.

HeIIo, how are you?

I'II be out in one minute.

Why are you going to the airport? FIying somewhere?

How did you guess? - I saw your Iuggage.

And when I saw the airIine ticket, I put two and two together.

So where right you heading? - Aspen.

CaIifornia... beautifuI.

My name's Christmas. LIoyd Christmas.

I'm Mary Swanson.

This isn't my reaI job. - No?

My friend Harry and I want to open our own pet store.

That's nice.

I Got Worms. - I beg your pardon?

That's what we want to caII it: ''I Got Worms.'' SpeciaIizing in worm farms.

You know, Iike ant farms...

What's the matter? A IittIe tense about the fIight?

Something Iike that. - There's nothing to worry about, Mary.

StatisticaIIy your more IikeIy to get kiIIed on the way to the airport...

...Iike in a head-on crash or fIying off a cIiff...

...or trapped under a gas truck. That's worst.

I have this cousin, had this cousin...

LIoyd, keep your eyes on the road pIease?

Good thinking. Can't be too carefuI. A Iot of bad drivers out there.

And okay gang, you know the ruIes. No humping, no pushing, no sniffing.

Where've you been? My dogs shouId have been here 40 minutes ago.

Now I hardIy have time to primp them. - Don't worry, Mrs. Noogieburger.

Newborn! - New...

Born! - These pooches don't need primping.

Why, I bathed them and cIipped them myseIf. I stand by my performance.

On second thoughts, you might want to comb them.

Thanks. Here you go. - Oh no, Mary.

I couIdn't possibIy accept that. Not after aII we've been through.

Thank you, LIoyd. Good Iuck with your worms.

How about a hug?

I hate goodbyes.

LIoyd!

Just go.

Be strong.

She'II Ieave the briefcase by the escaIator. You make the pick up.

Piece of cake.

Goodbye, my...

Mary!

There is our pay day.

She Ieft it. Let's go...

Excuse me! Coming through...

Move it or Iose it, sister!

Eeny.. meeny...

...miny... mo!

HoId that pIane! - You can't go in there.

It's okay! I'm a Iimo driver.

Hi, LIoyd. - Hi, Harry.

How was your day? - Not bad. FeII off the jetway again.

Who's he working for anyway? - I don't know.

But we better find out.

The uIcer? - I'II Iive.

You got fired again? - Oh yeah!

They aIways freak out when you Ieave the scene of an accident.

WeII, I Iost my job too.

Man, you are one pathetic Ioser.

No offence. - None taken.

You know what reaIIy chaps my ass?

I spent my Iife savings turning my van into a dog.

Hi, Pete. - The aIarm aIone cost me 200.

The chicks Iove it. It's a shagging wagon.

What's with the briefcase?

It's a Iove memento to the most beautifuI woman in the worId.

I drove her to the airport, sparks fIew, emotions ran high...

She actuaIIy taIked to me. - Get out of here!

Tractor beam, sucked me right in.

Anyway...

...she Ieft this, fIew to Aspen and out of my Iife.

What's in it?

Man, I'm not a Iow Iife who roots round in other peopIe's property.

And is it Iocked? - Yes, reaIIy weII.

There's two of them. One's got a gun.

Did you pay the gas biII?

You reaIize what you've done? - I say we baiI.

The briefcase ain't here. He must've taken it with him.

WeII he's got to come home some time.

Maybe we shouId trash the pIace. Send him a IittIe message.

I don't think he'II get the message. He has worms in his Iiving room.

I've got a better idea.

I tought I taw a puddy tat. I did, I did...

We drove around aII day and there's not a singIe job in this town.

There's nothing, nada, zip!

UnIess you want to work 40 hours a week!

Here. I'm going to the store.

Just get the essentiaIs. That's our dough. - What do I Iook Iike?

Cripes!

Excuse me... IittIe oId Iady.

You have change of a doIIar? - Change? No I'm sorry.

WeII, couId you do me a favor? Watch my stuff whiIe I break a doIIar?

Of course. - Thanks.

I guess that senior citizens may be sIow and dangerous at the wheeI...

...but they can stiII serve a purpose.

I'II be right back. Don't you go dying on me.

Where's the booze?

I got roIIed by a sweet oId Iady on a motorized cart.

I didn't even see it coming.

Come on, Harry. Cheer up.

It gets worse, LIoyd. My parakeet Pete...

...is dead.

Oh man, I'm sorry. What happened?

His head feII off. - His head feII off?

Yes, he was pretty oId.

That's it. I've had it with this dump.

We got no food, no job...

...our pet heads are faIIing off. - Okay, just caIm down.

And what the heII are we doing here, Harry? We've got to Ieave town.

And go where? Where to? - I'II teII you where...

Some pIace warm. Where the beer fIows Iike wine.

Where beautifuI women fIock Iike the saImon of Capastrano.

I'm taIking about a IittIe pIace Iike Aspen.

I don't know, the French are asshoIes. Wait a minute...

I know what you're up to, mister!

You just wanna go to Aspen and find the girI who Iost her briefcase.

And you need me to drive you there. Am I right?

Am I right? - Yes, so?

So I want to go where somebody can pIug us into the sociaI pipeIine.

No, no, no, LIoyd!

And I say we stay here, hunt for jobs and save for the worm store.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of running from creditors.

You know what I'm sick of?

I'm sick of having to eek my way through Iife.

And I'm sick of being nobody. But most of aII...

...I'm sick of having nobody.

Okay, LIoyd.

Aspen it is.

You'd better not be fooIing.

Okay, just Iet it out. Have a good cry.

Okay that's enough.

LIoyd, what are you doing?

It feeIs Iike you're running incredibIy fast, Harry.

We're not even through Connecticut yet and you're annoying me.

We're reaIIy doing it, aren't we buddy?

Hey, where d'you get those? - I bought them when we fiIIed up.

We're supposed to taIk about expenditures. We're on a tight budget.

This didn't come out of the traveI fund. I raised 25 bucks extra before we Ieft.

Were you get 25 extra bucks?

I soId some stuff to BiIIy in 4-C.

The bIind kid?

What did you seII him, LIoyd?

Stuff. - What kind of stuff?

I don't know... basebaII cards... a bag of marbIes...

Pete...

Pete? You soId my dead bird to a bIind kid?

Pete didn't even have a head. - Harry, I took care of it.

Pretty bird. Can you say ''pretty bird''.

Pretty bird. You're a pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

PoIIy want a cracker?

The red bastards. They're rubbing it in our faces.

Andr, wiII have a hemorrhage if we don't get the briefcase back.

They've been foIIowing us for weeks. - Why you say?

Gas man. How did they know I got gas?

They got to be pros.

Don't worry, we'II get that money back.

I'II teII you something eIse...

...they ain't never getting to Aspen. I'II see to that.

They got The Monkeys. A major infIuence on the BeatIes.

Excuse me, FIo...

FIo... Iike the TV show.

What is the soup du jour? - It's the soup of the day.

That sounds good. I'II have that.

FeeIs good to mingIe with these Iaid-back country foIk, don't it?

I Iike it a Iot.

What's the matter?

You spiIt the saIt. That's the matter.

SpiIIing the saIt is very bad Iuck.

Driving across country, the Iast thing we need is bad Iuck.

Toss some saIt over your right shouIder.

What the heII?!

Okay, who's the dead man that hit me with the saIt shaker?

It was a terribIe mistake, sir. I'd never offend a man of your size.

Take his ass, Sea Bass.

You gonna eat that? - What that? No...

It crossed my mind.

You reaIIy went out man.

What are you taIking about, went out?

The guy hawked on my burger.

I think I just...