GameFace

This my is wife Tanya. She looks just like me.

But you're American. No, I'm from Kentish Town.

Hello? Your flatmate said that you're camping.

I won't be inviting you inside then.

Why not?

Fuck's sake.

I'm coming.

Oh.

Hi, Linda. Is that completely ripped open parcel for me?

Yeah. These fuckers don't pay tax, you know?

That and soon they're going to use drones to deliver this shit.

And if you don't answer the door,

then they're just going to smash in through your window.

I don't think that's a thing. That's not... Answer your door!

I don't like dealing with them.

Thanks, Linda.

But how do you know? There's no way you can know that.

It would just be killing us both if I gave the parachute to a baby.

Marcella! If you were on a plane and it was about to go down, you only

had one parachute and it was you and your baby,

who would you give the parachute to?

What? Mark would throw the baby off the plane.

I didn't say that.

I said sometimes we have to make decisions based on what works

rather than just what makes us feel better.

How can you implement change if you don't believe it's possible?

Marcella, would you save the baby? Guys, I just come on.

My boobs are sore. Please, I just want to get caffeine.

This is too heavy an opener for the day.

Do you actually think Corbyn is electable?

Do you actually think he can be elected Prime Minister

or in your need to feel good,

have you and your ilk condemned the Labour Party to just...

Can I get a bit of this coffee? ..decades in the wilderness?

I think Corbyn can win. Of course I do.

I can't believe I'm fucking a Tory.

I can't believe I'm fucking an idiot.

This is the worst post-sex banter I've ever heard.

And also, every part of me doesn't want to get involved in this

conversation, but why can't I just wear the parachute

and carry the baby and save us both? It has to be one or the other.

Why?

OK, say you had no arms, so you couldn't carry the baby. Right.

Getting the parachute on's going to be tricky.

Pulling the cord, nightmare.

Hey, Mum. What're you up to?

Oh, pretty full-on today. I've got a driving lesson, life coaching, but,

you'll be pleased to hear the big news,

I've got an audition on Friday, so preparing for that and...

Billy's getting out this afternoon

and I think we should go and pick him up. Right, what?

I thought he had another two weeks. Nope, he's finished today.

So, will you come with me to get him? OK. OK. Jesus.

He is your brother and I don't ask much of you.

And also, I've a dozen new tea towels for you,

really good ones these are now, honestly.

More absorbent than sand.

Fine, yeah. Fine. Just pick me up.

Great. I'll see you later then.

What's going on? Billy's getting out of rehab, again,

and, as usual, everything in my life has to come to a fucking halt.

What's happening? Are you trying to fart? Go to the window. No!

I really want this part but I need to be able to cry.

Something's wrong, it's blocked. It's like my eyes are constipated.

I can cry on demand.

Go on, then.

OK. Um...

You see?

What'd you think about?

Oh. Throwing that baby off the plane.

Oh.

Hey. Hey.

Wow, you smell nice... Wow! You're in a suit.

Yeah, I have something on after this, so...

Oh, what? A date?

It is, isn't it? A date.

A daytime date in a suit. A bit much.

Look at me. I'm the king of Tinder.

You trying to be the Tinder King, Jon?

No. No, I'm not trying to be the...

Tinder King. It's not a date.

What is it, then?

It's a wedding. Oh, I see.

Actually, speaking of dates...

Um...

Before we get going, I... I just wanted to ask you something.

Um...

God, I don't know how to do this. I was wondering if you,

uh, could do Tuesday instead of Wednesday next week?

Yes. Yep. That's fine, I reckon. I could...

I have to check it and move a few things about but that should,

that's totally workable. Good, because I have an actual date...

then. You know, a suitless date, actually. Oh, nice.

Well, good for you.

Yeah, she is. Wow. Yeah. I don't want to pry, I think I was

just joking at the beginning. We've got a lot of driving

to be getting on with so... Anyway, you left this in the car.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, thank you. Actually, I went back to give it

to you but your...

your boyfriend was there? He's my ex.

Whatever. He was there and... Yeah, he's my ex. Anyway. Don't forget it.

Oh, and you also left that.

Your gratitude journal.

Did you read it?

No. You're lying.

Yeah.

So, you did read it? No, I filled it in.

I mean surely you have more to be grateful for than...

than, um, peas.

"I am grateful for the kindness and extreme patience

"my driving instructor is showing me, even though I am...

"exhausting company."

Wow. OK.

Where is he, Marcella? It's gone two.

Oh. It's so good to see you.

You look so well.

How're you feeling? I'm good, Mum. Thank you.

You didn't need to come pick me up. Oh.

All right, Marc? Hey, Billy, it's nice to see looking well and...

OK. So, the first thing I need to say straight out the gate is that

I don't want to be called Billy any more.

OK? Sasha Fierce.

I thought the first thing you might've said was, "sorry" but... Mum?

Marcella is being hostile and I'm not even outside the building yet.

Marcella, stop being a fucker.

What's your new name then? William.

It's the same name as Billy, but it's like the more adult version.

That is an amazing fact. Let me tweet that right now.

I don't want to forget that. Mum!

Marcella, stop it!

I want to move on from Billy, you know. He was young and foolish

and William is committed to being an adult, you know.

William wants to be the good guy.

Oh, you're not.

Oh, oh. So, Billy the Kid took the cocaine and now you're

William the Conqueror, you ain't got to say sorry? Mum?

I would like to be called Batman. No, William is...

Stop talking about yourself in the third person. It's really creepy.

Why don't you just come out and say sorry... Oh, Jesus Christ!

I will call either of you whatever you want!

Just stop this!

Always this shite with the two of you.

It breaks my heart!

Please, please, please do not take cocaine any more.

I cannot bear it.

I love you. Yes, Mum.

You.

Please, please, please brush your hair.

It's about self-care, Marcella.

I love you too. Oh, oh.

You're saying, "brush your hair" in exactly the same tone

as, "don't take cocaine any more"?

I mean, it's like "Oh, if Billy needs a telling off..." William,

for fuck's sake!

My name is William! You heard the man. His name is William!

I could just use your support and not your shitty judgment.

Oh.

Now look.

I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm sad.

Are you trying to fart? Sh.

Sad. I'm sad. I'm sad.

Oh, Jesus. Wait till you get outside.

So, Marcella, how has your week been?

Uh, yeah. My brother got out of rehab, which is good.

Do you get on with your brother? Yeah.

Sort of. No.

Get ready to meet your maker, bitch.

Meet your maker?

I watched a lot of Westerns.

I do love my brother,

but I want to hate him.

I want not to care about him.

I feel like he feeds off people caring and it's just more attention.

Tell your brother how it makes you feel.

What?

Tell your brother...

how it makes you feel.

Yeah. That's not my bag, that...

Marcella, all I'm asking...

is you go for it.

Tell him.

Hi, Billy.

William. Oh. Brilliant.

Oh, my God!

Fucking hell! That was horrible!

Uh... OK. You're doing great. Fantastic work.

No, no, no, no, no...

I'm... I mean I'm not talking to a cactus.

Marcella, watch me.

Now.

Hello, Auntie Pauline. Oh, no. You're not really going to do this,

are you? Please, please, Marcella, please?

OK. Now, last Sunday you said my house smelt like it was haunted

by a ghost of an old...

shit.

And then at Christmas, in front of everybody,

you said that you would rather sleep in the litter tray

than on my sofa bed.

I think you are a nasty person.

Actually, I don't think nasty cuts it. I think you... You're horrible.