The Good Place

- Ow! What the hell? - Walk it off, Lululemon.

- "Live every day like it's your last."

Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.

- Ma'am? It's $132.21.

So, big plans this weekend?

Yep.

I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching

wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas

through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out

on top of my vibrator.

- Hi there. Do you have a second

to talk about the environment?

- No. Buzz off, whale-humper.

- You know, I see you here all the time,

and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.

- It does? Because the minute

you're out of my line of sight, I literally forget you exist.

Watch. You exist. You don't exist.

You're bothering me. Don't care if you die.

See? - Why are you like this?

- Excuse me? Why am I like this?

You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like.

You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like.

Look what you made me do, jag-off.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Can I ask you a question about where we're going?

Sure.

- Where are we going? I forgot.

- We're going somewhere that's not the Good Place,

and it's not the Bad Place.

We're going to a Medium Place.

- Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?

'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,

'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,

and I want some gum and some football cards

and some scratchy tickets.

- Go away from me. - Okay.

- Can this train go any faster, Janet?

No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured

for all of eternity if we get caught.

- Don't worry, there's no way to tell

we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house.

It'll be our sexy little secret.

Jason taught me about sexy things.

- Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

- Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

- Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims,

20,000 followers on Instagram,

girls with pigtails eating lollipops,

latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.

Eh, some of those are right.

- I'm here to preside over case #00003

regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop.

The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

- What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um,

the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis

are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now,

are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now,

but she just stole your train,

and she still sucks bad.

And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out.

Nailed it.

- I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

What I will consider is the recent development

of Eleanor stealing my train. - Now, hold on a second.

She stole your train to voluntarily go down

to the Bad Place.

She was sacrificing herself

because she is a wonderful, selfless...

Because she is a wonderful, selfless...

No, don't... oh!

- What's happening? - I should have warned you.

Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.

If he detects any feelings in your voice,

he retreats into a cocoon, so what we need to do now

is just be very still and very quiet.

Finally.

- Oh, come... - What did he just say?

- Oh, because you're all so perfect.

- Oh, because you're all so perfect.

Wow.

So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?

- I don't know. I'm out of range

of our neighborhood. I don't have any

of my normal abilities here. - Perfect.

Well, let's try this way.

- Ooh, I've never had to walk before.

This is fun.

Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

- Well, given that she's the only person

in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the pl...

Oh! She's naked!

- - Oh, sorry!

- -

- -

Who are you?

I'm Janet.

- Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie.

I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day

in the afterlife. - What's up, idiot?

In the afterlife. - What's up, idiot?

Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?

- That's not possible. - Congrats.

Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked,

but then you did this one good thing.

I mean, I still think we should get you...

- They didn't, but neither did we.

A compromise was made:

the neighborhood you are in now by yourself.

You submitted a list of things you wanted;

the Good Place provided those things.

- Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.

We got you your favorite beer.

Yeah, but it's always warm.

- On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.

- On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.

- Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions.

Also, there's some spoken word poetry

from William Shatner.

It's deeply terrible.

- You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity.

Welcome to the Medium Place. - So what's up?

What's your deal? Are you single?

What's going on?

- Sorry about before. One of the perks of living alone

is that I get to just walk around naked.

My kind of gal.

And I gotta say, you keep it tight.

And I gotta say, you keep it tight.

- Oh, that is the nicest and only thing

anyone has said to me in 30 years.

- So tell us everything. I mean, what did you do

to end up here? - That's kind of a long story.

Gonna need a drink or three. - Definitely my kind of gal.

- You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's

honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out

how to have sex.

- So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s.

I only cared about making money and doing cocaine.

One night, I had an epiphany, right?

I needed to do something good with my life.

I needed to do something good with my life.

So I drew up plans for this foundation

that would help kids all over the world,

would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture,

and just improve every nation and every society

in every possible way.

- You were pretty coked-up, huh? - Oh, yeah, man,

I was flying high. It was so awesome.

But... you're not gonna believe this...

I followed through. Yeah, I woke up

the next morning, I went straight to the bank,

I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start

that charity. - Good for you!

- And then I immediately fell into subway tracks

- And then I immediately fell into subway tracks

and was electrocuted by the third rail.

- Ooh... - Honestly, not the type of rail

I thought was gonna kill me...

'Cause I love cocaine.

Do you have any? I'm just... I shouldn't...

Do you?

No.

- Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just...

I was just kidding. It was just a joke.

I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now?

- Are you okay? - Anyway, so after I died, uh,

- Are you okay? - Anyway, so after I died, uh,

my sister found my plan, and she used my money

to start the Mindy St. Clair Rescue Alliance, yeah.

It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.

- Oh, so the question was, did you get credit

for all those good person points or not?

- Exactly. I don't know how long

my case was pending or whatever,

but when I woke up, the two sides

had been fighting about me for a long time.

Like a stripper over that

last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean.

Last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean.

But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?

Well, it beats being tortured.

I was about to turn myself in.

- No. Yeah, there's no time