Bad Asses on the Bayou

Your credit is based on various factors...

and after reviewing your history...

I'm sorry to say you've been denied.

Denied? You... You gotta be shittin' us.

There's gotta be some mistake.

- I have a mortgage that I pay on time. - Yeah.

I understand, Mr. Vega, but like I said, there's other factors.

You've opened up another credit line...

which you're completely maxed out on.

Look, Mr., uh... Guillermo Gomez.

My friend Bernie, this...

this is his second liver surgery in... in six months.

We have 10 prescriptions...

that we have to fill...

every two weeks.

Nobody move!

Listen up! I want everybody on the floor!

I want your palms flat on the ground!

That means you too, old man!

Goddamn, Frank.

Man, why don't you watch what you're doing, man?

- I'm sorry, Bernie. It was an accident! - Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

It cost me $190 to refill this goddamn prescription...

It cost you $190?

I want you to know that came out of my disability check!

You gonna hold that over my head now?

I see how it works now. It's tit for tat, huh?

No, no, it's only tit for tat...

when tat actually does something for tit.

You're one ungrateful asshole. You know that?

Screw you!

Wrong move, asshole.

On the ground now!

These nuts!

These nuts!

Using only a walker and an autographed baseball...

two elderly men managed to stop a robbery in progress.

Y ahora en el centro de la ciudad tenemos a dos jubilados...

que han parado el robo de un banco.

Es el caso de los heroes más improbables.

So I hope the bank ultimately gave you a loan.

Nope. But they gave us somethin' else.

A goddamn certificate for a job well done.

Isn't this some shit?

Look at me, man. I'm prettier than Denzel.

Shoot.

- Who's that? - Rosaria.

She liking Arizona?

It's Florida. Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's... She's, uh...

- She's doing all right. - Sorry, man.

No, no, it's... it's... You know, it's wonderful, man.

I'm really happy for her.

Rosaria's got a really good job, and...

Julia's going to a much better school.

I'm really happy for 'em.

- Hello? - You cheatin' on me, Frank?

'Cause I'll be damned if you the toughest man to get in touch with.

- Carmen, mi amor. What's happening? - Oh, nothin' much.

Besides the fact that I'm getting married!

What?

Yes! His name is Geoffrey. We met six weeks ago.

We fit together like molasses and pie.

I've never connected with someone like this before, Frank.

Oh, that's great. I can't wait to meet him.

Well, you're gonna get your chance this weekend.

- Oh, yeah? - Yup.

And you and Green Machine are in my wedding party.

Pack your things, boys. You comin' down to Baton Rouge.

That's wonderful, Carmen.

And we would love to be there, but, uh...

You know what, right now Bernie and I are going through some financial difficulties...

Shut your pie hole, Franklin.

You're not gonna have to pay for anything, cheap-ass.

Daddy's pickin' up the tab.

That's really generous of your father, but...

But nothin', Vega. I already e-mailed you your flight arrangements.

This is a paid vacation for you boys.

So pack up your damn fanny pack and bring y'all asses down here...

before I fly out there and drag you by your earlobes.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

This shit don't agree with me one bit, man.

I told you, fish on an airplane. Man, they don't mix.

Oh, shit.

I gotta hit the bathroom.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, little lady.

What you got for dessert?

At this point in my life, I just don't have time for relationships.

But I do have time for one-nighters though.

Are you open to one-nighters, Bernie?

One-nighters, two-nighters... however long it takes.

Excuse me, sir.

But you're going to have to return to your assigned seat.

This is my assigned seat.

Can I see your boarding pass, please?

Come on, man. Give me a break.

- It's been a pleasure. - Bye.

You cock-blocking son of a...

Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent into Baton Rouge...

local time is 3:00 PM, and temperature is a cool 65 degrees.

Nothing like the smell of the deep South.

Is that us?

I don't think there's another Vega/Pope in Louisiana.

Gentlemen, my name is Hung. May I take your bags, please?

I got this, homey. I... I got this.

- Sir, I insist. - Shit, you can take mine.

After you, sir.

Boy, I could get used to this.

Forecast is cloudy and windy today...

with gusts up to 40 miles per hour...

the temperature dropping to 59 degrees this afternoon.

Cloudy and continuing wind overnight with a low of 47.

- Oh, shit. - Cloudy with a few sunny breaks...

with a high of 53.

With the winds from the northwest...

- Oh, come on. - It's currently 51 degrees.

With the Washington Monument in the background...

the president has just arrived off of his helicopter...

and is coming from Camp David to spend time...

with the gathering on the White House lawn.

This is a regular appearance...

Oh, Christ!

Hey!

Gimme the purse.

Fuck you!

Click it or ticket, asshole.

Take care of this shit.

Whoa, they grow them pretty big here in Baton Rouge, huh?

- All right now, big fella. - Son of a bitch.

- Pow! - Aaah!

- Shit. - Aaah!

Watch it.

- Whoo. - I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.

Ooh, my nose! Oh, you busted my nose!

- Here you go, darling. - Oh, thank you.

You have a nice day.

Wow.

- Carmen's parents live here? - Yes, sir.

- Man. - Reminds me of my vacation home.

Oh, oh! All right, finally!

Now we can get this party started! Oh!

Damn, you look good, girl.

Now, you boys had your chance. I'm a taken woman now, okay?

Come on in. I wanna introduce you to my mama and daddy.

Damn, if I knew you had this much money, I would've proposed to you six months ago.

Mama, Daddy, I want you to meet Frank and Bernie.

- Oh. Well, welcome, gentlemen. - Oh.

Thank you. Pleasure to meet you.

- And thank you for bringing us out here. - Yeah, very generous of you.

- Ah, it's our pleasure. - Ooh, Carmen.

You didn't tell me how handsome they were.

Hey, girl, take it easy.

- Hey, guys. - Oh, my goodness!

Baby, what happened?

Oh, it was just Kyle and his buddies.

Earl, do you see this?

Baby, just a little innocent roughhousing.

Boys'll be boys. He'll be just fine.

Son, let me introduce you to your sister's friends from California, Bernie and Frank.

- What's up, guys? - Sister?

Yeah. He's my brother from another mother.

Mama had that in vitro thing. We think the egg and the sperm got a little mixed up.

Felt all the same to me.

Either way, we love us some little Ronny.

Well, gentlemen, welcome. Now let me show you to your room.

My, oh, my, Earl.

This house must have cost you a pretty penny.

- Didn't cost me a dime. - Say what?

It's a family estate passed down from generation to generation.

It was given to my great-great-granddaddy...

post-Civil War...

as part of the agrarian reform for black farmers.

Little did anybody know that this house was sitting on mineral reserves, including oil...

which turned our family into millionaires overnight.

Damn. Karma's a bitch, Robert E. Lee.

Ain't it the truth?

Hope you guys don't mind sleepin' in the same room.

We got a lot of guests stayin' over, so the house is kinda full.

Hey, I didn't know you were in the military.

Oh, yeah.

Spent some time in Nam many, many years ago.

I don't even know who that guy is anymore.

There we go.

Everything ought to be here, but, if there's anything else at all that you need...

please don't hesitate to ask.

What time you sending up the ladies?

- After midnight. - Why so late?

Uh, fellas, I just wanna say thank you...

for watchin' over my little girl while she was in LA.

- It means a lot. - Carmen's a special girl.

Yeah.

Oh, now. Oh, rehearsal dinner's in less than an hour.

You guys got to get dressed.

I took the liberty of hangin' up a couple suits for you in the armoire.

I think we got your right sizes.

One minute.