American Housewife

You did it, Katie.

You made it through the summer.

- Mom! - Mom?

These kids have been up in your face

for 68 days in a row.

And now you get to place them in the custody

of the Westport public school system.

- Mom! - Mom! Where are you?

It's like you're a warden,

and you're transferring these delinquents to another prison.

All you have to do is get them there.

Let's do this.

- Mom, a word. - No words. We've gotta get to school.

- Mom... - No.

But I didn't even ask anything yet.

It's either too expensive or I don't have time.

- Mom? - You cannot have a dog.

You didn't swear this time! You're softening.

Greg!

Can you help me find my car keys?

How do you manage to constantly misplace...

There's probably a better time for that talk.

I'll help you look.

Mom, I got another run in my tights.

I'm in a real ballet academy now.

For God's sake, buy a boy a decent pair of Danskins!

- Mom... - Mom, my driver's license test

is in two weeks, and I need someone to take me out to practice.

Can't drive without car keys.

Everyone fan out.

Mom, I need to look professional.

My plan of getting into Harvard through ballet could be lost,

all for the want of a proper leotard.

Well, my plan for smoking cigarettes

and eating takeout every night was ruined by you,

so we're even.

I need you to take this seriously.

My teacher has already taken an instant

and strong dislike to me.

What happened to my little boy

with the beautiful little girl's voice?

Eh.

- Mom. - What?!

Look at this picture of a corgi dressed as a banana!

Eh.

Don't play me. You know it's cute.

Have you picked your after-school activity yet?

I told you, I'm not doing one.

Greg!

Anna-Kat, it's fun to be involved.

Now that school's started, I can't wait to be part

of the recycling committee again and hang with my crew.

You mean the janitors?

And Bill Doty.

You guys, worst fan-out of all time.

Look for my keys in a place that I'm not already looking.

Taylor, do you got your summer packet?

Yeah, I have it. I just didn't do it.

You realize you're talking to the mean parent, right?

Just hear me out.

I've decided... I'm not going to college.

Greg!

Taylor, you are going to college...

probably not a good college, but college.

I just don't think it's right for me.

I mean, it's a waste of my time and your money.

Well, that's not your call to make.

So, until you finish your summer packet,

you're not gonna start driving.

Hold up!

Greg.

Stop fooling around.

Of course you're gonna start driving.

And your father's going to teach you.

Can you go put on a shirt

that doesn't look like it's Hooter-issued?

And look for my keys.

Whatever happened to "never overruling

one another in front of the kids"?

You are ruining my master plan.

Master plans are for villains

in the superhero movies you drag me to,

claiming the art-house films I want to see

are somehow always playing at "bad times."

You do not understand my carpool schedule this year.

At 2:45, I pick up Oliver and Anna-Kat from school.

Then I drive Oliver all the way to Norwalk for ballet lessons

and wait in the car with Anna-Kat

for 40 minutes, playing "I Spy."

Then I pick up Oliver again and go all the way back

to pick Taylor up from volleyball

and then drive everyone home.

So, I have a three-pronged plan.

Prong one... Get Anna-Kat into a club

so Taylor and her can be on the same schedule.

Prong two... Oliver's ballet teacher

breaks his spirits... fingers crossed...

he quits, joins baseball, and the three of them

are on the same schedule at the same time.

- And prong three? - Here's prong three.

- Ready for prong three? - You know it.

When Taylor gets her license,

she can drive them to school and back.

And then I'm free!

Do you hear me, Greg?

- Free! - Chest hairs, Katie.

And then I can take a step back from mothering,

finally enjoy my life and pursue some hobbies,

like sitting in the bathtub with a glass of wine.

- Is that... - It's a hobby!

Look it up.

I found your keys!

Where were they?

Right there.

Who hung my keys on the hook?

How am I supposed to find anything around this house

if people put things back where they belong?

Anna-Kat, I need you to pick a club from this list.

It's important to be involved in school.

If it's so important, how come you're not involved?

She makes an interesting point.

Is this payback for overruling you?

- Yes. - Okay.

Tell you what, I'll get involved if you do.

Really?

You're going to volunteer at school like

"all those no-life, busy-body, idiot moms"?

Yep.

Right after I start watching how I speak in front of you.

I am here to volunteer.

Maybe it's best I start small.

Ziploc Committee?

Bring Ziplocs...

Maybe the cute little snack-sized ones.

To hold snacks.

What are you doing here?

Last year, you pretended to be pregnant

to get out of volunteering.

You are still hung up on my fake pregnancy?

You let me throw you a baby shower.

- And took the gifts. - That's a lie. Sage, you're a liar.

You're using the diaper bag I gave you as a purse.

Katie, just go away.

Your volunteer hours are no good here.

I don't get it.

You guys forgave Stacy Clouser,

and I heard at the Spring Gala

that she attacked you all with a crab claw

and said she hoped all your real noses grow back.

Well, that was different.

She was having a nervous breakdown

from being the Gala Chairperson.

She had to move back in with her parents.

She has to wear tube socks taped to her hands.

Oh, and you can tell Greg

he's no longer on the recycling committee.

Why?

What did he do wrong?

Married you.

Sage, I have seen how hot your babysitter is.

It's only a matter of time.

You got me kicked off the recycling committee?!

Recycling isn't even real, Greg!

They make you separate all your stuff

and then dump it all together in the same landfill.

Don't say that!

You promised you'd never say that again!

I just got an e-mail with the roster

for the next recital.

My teacher's not dancing me.

I'm not getting danced!

How am I supposed to get into Harvard

if I'm riding the pine?

Maybe she knows that you don't love ballet

and you're there for the wrong reasons.

You know what I love? Recycling!

How'd you miss that?

How many times do I have to tell everyone in this house?

I have an overly-round eye.

Hey, you're not the only one going through something.

They banned me from volunteering at school.

They did? Great.

That means I don't have to join a club!

My master plan just went to hell.

I'm gonna be spending most of my life in my car.

"Katie, let's get married and start a family."

"You know what, Greg, I'm flattered, but no."

Coulda said that.

I was sure Stacy Clouser going bonkers would've

knocked my fake pregnancy off the front page.

I was at the Gala, saw the whole thing.

It was awesome.

She was yelling at the seafood tower,

then pausing, like it was yelling back.

Prong one of my plan is falling apart.

I got to get Anna-Kat into a club,

and to do that,

those moms need to let me volunteer.

Doris, you used to work in crisis management, right?

I did. I called myself "The Fixer."