It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us.

- Yes, this shouldn't take long. - So...

You'd like to buy a boat.

Yes, we have recently come into a considerable amount of money.

Now I'm not gonna bore you with details, but let's just say

that my friends here set up for a *** adventure...

- ***.com. - Yeah.

- Actually we're not supposed to talk about... - That's true but...

Yeah, technically we're doing a couple of things in the hush hush from Uncle Sam...

The point is we're flush. We are 25 hundred dollars flush.

So don't worry about that.

So we'd like to take some of that money and taste a bit of the high life.

We've also talked to our friend here

into throwing his entire life savings into the venture.

That's right.

You see, I'm in it for the lifestyle as well as the great investment.

Okay, well, then what is it you guys are looking for?

Let's talk needs, please?

I'd like to talk needs first.

Now I have the need for speed.

It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it.

So speed is a must.

Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests upon

this boat, so... Yeah, we're gonna throw some

P. Diddy-style parties up on the deck.

Um, can we talk shrimp for a minute?

I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp.

Sort of a Forrest Gump-size amount of shrimp.

Um, you should be writing this down, I think.

Why are you not writing this down?

Oh, let me just see if I have this right here.

Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

It seems what you guys are looking for is some sort of

P. Diddy-style shrimping vessel.

All right!

That's it!

You're a really good listener, and I didn't peg you

for one when I walked in here 'cause of the pinky ring, but that's great.

You know, I've got just the boat for you.

Well, here she is, The Drowning Sailor.

It, uh, doesn't meet, well, uh, any of your specs.

Look, I'm gonna level with you, pal.

We... we saw this coming a mile

away, and we've had our hearts set on this boat thing for

days now, which, in our world, is a level of focus in which

I personally have never experienced.

But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say... We'll take it!

Mm-hmm.

What-what-what are you doing?

I was-I was doing a thing.

You were taking a long time, dude.

You're taking way too long.

We wanted to buy a boat.

Let's get the boat.

I was taking a little while because I was doing a little

presentation... Dennis, what if someone walks

down the deck and makes an offer before us?

Nobody's gonna make an offer before I finish my thing.

They might have.

We're not the only people in town that want... I'm confused.

Are you gonna take the boat or not?

Yes, we're taking the boat.

We're buying the boat.

We want to add a little fanfare into the situation.

My friends here, they couldn't wait for that.

Yes, we're-we're taking the boat.

What a score!

Yeah!

Houseboat, huh?

Yeah, absolutely... Well, the houseboat offers all

the advantages of a house, but with the excitement of the sea.

Think of all the fish we're gonna catch.

It's not just fish, Frank.

You gotta start thinking about shrimp, okay?

Oh-oh-oh.

We're gonna be hauling in so much shrimp every day, it's

gonna pay for itself ten times over.

Picture tiny shrimp crawling all over this boat.

- Every inch of it... - Guys...

Can we not focus on the shrimp cause we have so much work to do.

It's a shrimp boat.

I'd like to have at least one conversation about shrimp.

No. No, shrimp is a very small aspect of the whole...

Most important part of the... No, you know what?

I'll tell you what.

Shrimp or no shrimp, I'm very excited about it.

Yeah.

And I say we take this little lady onto the sea and get loaded.

Well, slow your roll there, Dee.

The lady's not quite ready to go out to the sea yet.

There's a lot of prep work that still has to be done.

So, actually, Frank and Charlie, I want you to start by scraping

the barnacles off the bottom of the boat, 'cause that probably

hasn't been done in years, while Dee and Mac and I go in

to the inside and check out the decor situation, you know?

One word.

Shrimp.

Okay, yeah.

No, just as I suspected, we got our work cut out for us, guys.

This isn't Diddyesque at all.

No, no, we gotta get rid of all this shit.

Are you guys crazy?

This boat is awesome.

How about a little of this?

Huh?

What the hell is that?

This?

That's my P. Diddy boat dance.

Uh!

You look like one of this inflatable dancing things at the used car lot.

The ones that flail around in the wind.

No, I don't.

I look good.

No, Dee, that's exactly what you look like.

I promise you that's what you look like.

You can't dance for shit!

I can dance, and you don't know what you're talking about.

I'm gonna bring one of those in so you can see it.

Okay, why don't you bring the guy in, we'll have a dance competition?

I'm gonna be the judge of that contest!

I'm gonna show...!

There's not gonna be a contest!

Stop! Everybody stop! Shut up!

No, nobody's bringing any trashy inflatable man on this boat.

Absolutely not.

Dee, stop dancing.

You look like an asshole.

We're not there yet.

We have a lot of work to do first.

Okay, Dee, since you didn't invest any money in this

venture, you're gonna be the one that's got to do all the hard labor here.

So I need you to get rid of all this shit, and make the boat

look nice, okay?

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Hard work?

What are you talking about?

Work first, and then you can do your weird inflatable

tube-man P. Diddy dance.

Or whatever it is.

You know what I'm looking forward to?

Is catching me some Delaware River catfish.

Oh, yeah!

They are so tasty!

I used to eat 'em when I was a kid.

You can't buy 'em in the stores no more.

Why is that?

The goddamned EPA.

They says they're toxic.

Toxic my ass.

I mean, they're just endangered.

They're tasty, man.

Frank. this boat is the best investment I ever made, man.

I mean, it's huge!

We're gonna pop over to the boat store real quick and grab some, uh...

Whoa! What the hell are you guys doing?

- We're loading our gear. - No, no, no. You should not be loading.

No one should be bringing anything onto the boat.

You should be scraping, okay?

Yes.

So, scrape.

Oh, well, we're gonna scrape the boat.

We are gonna scrape the boat.

Are you patronizing me?

Don't patronize me.

Don't do that.

No one's patronizing you, all right?

Here's what we'll do:

we'll scrape all these little delicious oysters or whatever

off the side of the boat.

We'll put 'em in a pot, we'll boil 'em up for before you get back.

We'll cook 'em for you.

There you go.

No, those are barnacles.

Do not eat those.

Do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us.

Okay, all that.

Honestly, don't eat those.

You'll get very, very sick, okay?

Yeah.

Now that is a direct order from your captain.

Whoa! Since when are you the captain?

Well, clearly I'm the captain.

Who else would be the captain.

I feel like I would be the captain.

Dennis?

I don't give a shit.

I'm captain! I call it!

Locked in. Boom.

Scrape. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

I ain't scraping shit.

No, we're not scraping!

No, no scraping.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna fire up the boat, right?

Yeah.

We're gonna take it out on the ocean, we're gonna get

some oysters. And shrimp.

And shrimpies!

Toss me the keys.