The Critic

Hello.

Jay, this is your mother.

Your father and I are taking you out of our will.

We feel you already have enough money.

Oh, yes, and Happy Birthday.

It stinks.

Oh!

What's wrong?

I'm 36 years old, I'm lonely,

my hair comes out of a spray can.

You know, I ought to go on camera without this stuff.

Let the world see me as I really am.

It's empty.

Oh! I'm bald and ugly. Get more!

Hello, I'm Jay sherman,

and this is coming attractions.

Tonight I'll be reviewing home alone 5.

We left Kevin home alone,

and he's only 23.

But first, let's start

with Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest film: Rabbi p.I.

It's the story of a Chicago cop

who goes undercover as a hasidic Jew.

Eat lead, rabbi.

Sorry. That's not kosher.

All right,

if you are a real rabbi,

circumcise this child.

Havah nagilah, baby.

Because I love you people,

I won't force you to watch the musical number.

Well, maybe just a little.

feh!

Anyway, to get to the part of the show you like the best

and I find humiliating,

on the shermometer,

this film rates an absolute zero.

Brr!

And cut.

Ah, this new stuff feels great.

Why the hell do you have to be so critical?

I'm a critic.

No. Your job is to rate movies

on a scale from good to excellent.

What if I don't like them?

That's what "good" is for.

Mr. Phillips, we go on in 5 seconds.

I own this network, boy.

Just put up that picture of me on a horse.

God, I look fabulous.

Look, this isn't art,

it's just mindless pablum for losers who can barely read.

Oh, that reminds me,

I've got an interview with people magazine.

Mr. Phillips, you're fabulously wealthy,

you're a world-class athlete,

you were great in bed last night.

How does that feel?

I have no one to envy.

I envy you having me to envy.

We're back with "star poop."

Let's welcome a young actress

whose first film opens next month,

Valerie fox.

Oh!

I must confess I haven't seen your movie yet.

Well, let's not talk about the movie.

Let's talk about you.

Ah, my favorite subject.

You know, I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, I have no fans.

Most of my viewers are drunken frat boys

who like to make fun of me.

Hey, look. He's picking his nose.

It's really simple.

I find smart men very sexy,

and you are the most intelligent man on television.

Would you like to have dinner with me?

Oh, I couldn't.

You're an actress. I'm a critic.

There's an insatiable line between us.

Uh, I mean invisible.

There's an invisible line between us.

Oh!

All right, I'll have dinner with you.

But first, can we have a serious discussion of your film?

I think that's what our audience is here for.

Hey, look. She's drinking a beer.

Oh, this really stinks.

I'm sorry.

They send me on these talk shows

and tell me to be some sort of femme fatale.

I think it's all pretty silly myself.

I know how it is.

I always have to look my sexiest.

That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants.

Now, Valerie,

your new film, kiss of death,

is being compared to basic instinct.

Would you compare yourself to Sharon stone?

I find comparing actresses very demeaning.

Don't you?

Can we get a shot of that?

Hey, mister, why does your car say "king dork"?

Uh, I bought it from king dorkenheiser of Finland.

I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.

Just park the car.

Ah, Mr. sherman,

I have saved for you

the very best table in the house.

Just perfect for the schmoozing.

Conan o'brien.

Oh, great.

They sat us in the critics' section.

Pelican brief?

More like Turkey too long.

Even Satan himself would love this angel hair pasta.

It's a good buy, and so, goodbye,

from Mr. good guy, gene shalit.

You were a model, weren't you?

Don't pigeonhole me.

Yes, I was a model.

Yes, I was a beauty queen.

Yes, I dated Donald trump.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sneaking a peek at your mcguppies.

It's my stumbling attempt at intimacy.

If that's what you want, look in my eyes.

O ye gods!

And that's me on the set of dances with wolves.

They gave me a small part.

I played throws-like-a-girl.

I didn't know you were married.

It didn't work out.

I don't know why I ever married you.

What's this?

That is my pulitzer prize.

Oh, no, wait.

No, I'm sorry. That's my pulitzer prize.

I won this at summer camp.

For what?

More. More.

Uh, I killed a bear.

I guess I should be going,

but I just can't leave. Do you get that feeling?

Yes, but I live here.

No. What I mean is,

this door's going to close soon,

and whether I'm inside or outside

could change our lives forever.

Say, what do you do in your movie?

I play a woman who seduces chubby men,

then kills them in their sleep.

Interesting.

She looks good from every angle.

Eh?

Ahhh!

Sorry, I'll just go to the bathroom

and let you make a graceful escape.

No, no. I really enjoyed last night.

Oh, really?

You have such cute little ears.

Dad, you're out of doritos.

What are you doing here?

We were gonna go shopping for husky pants together.

Excuse us.

Then you were gonna take me to that ice cream place

and tell them it's my birthday again.

Shh. What?

Shut up.

Now, son, you may just have noticed

there was a beautiful woman in my bed.

I won't tell anyone.

Actually, I wish you would tell everyone.

Particularly your mother

and her personal trainer, Alberto.

He says I should call him Uncle Al now.

That's crazy. Why should you do that?

'Cause he's such a great guy and I like him so much.

Oh.

I'm going to say something to you

and I think you know what it is.

Buzz off?

No.

I love you.

What?

I love you.

Wow!

You know, I still haven't heard you say it.

I love you!

That's all I needed to hear.

My, my. You make a lovely couple.

Hey, vlada,

why don't you hang this on the wall

in place of my old photo?

Hey. Where is it?

Uh, well, you know, um...

Ugh!