Last Man Standing

"Last man standing" is recorded

In front of a live studio audience.

Mike: yeah!

Doesn't get any better than this.

You, me, the crowd, and the broncos.

And justin.

I said, "the crowd."

Yeah, thank you for including me, sir.

Ah, don't thank me.

Thank the seven people who couldn't make it.

I'm gonna run to the concession stand.

You guys want anything?

A beer.

Oh, i'm not 21.

Then you'll be gone for a while.

Stadium announcer: attention, broncos fans --

A lucky fan has been selected to come down to the field

And try to kick a field goal for valuable prizes.

That fan is sitting in section 310...

Row 3...

Seat 4!

Move! Go!

Lucky seat 4, come on down!

What should i do?

Well, if i've learned one thing from reading the bible,

You hear a voice in the sky telling you to do something,

You obey.

Let's go.

Coming through.

- Captions by vitac --

Watch how clean this kick is.

Look at that.

I can't believe they wouldn't let eve keep the ball.

I mean, what's a kid in a wheelchair

Gonna do with that ball, anyway?

All right. Let's watch it one more time.

Ooh, let me guess -- She makes it again.

I think it's more fun when he plays it backwards.

It looks like eve's catching the ball with her foot.

It is so not fair that eve won a camaro.

She's 16. She's not getting a camaro.

I get a camaro. Plus a huge tax bill.

That's why we're selling the camaro.

Yeah, but then she'll have some money for college

And a story to tell.

Oh, yeah, really great story --

She kicked a thingy really far

And it went between two other thingies.

I thought you didn't understand the game of football.

We've been talking about eve for 24 hours straight here!

I am running my own clothing business.

Isn't anybody impressed by that?

Of course, yes. Go ahead, honey. Yeah.

We're all ears. Let's hear it.

Okay. I actually have this amazing idea for a skirt.

It's pleated but it has --

I'm gonna be on the football team!

Okay, so the coach saw my field goal

And wants me to try out for place-Kicker.

A child of mine is gonna be on the football team.

I think my bucket list is complete.

You can crank up that rapture anytime you want.

T-T-There's a girls' football team, right?

No, mom. No, the real one, right?

I'm gonna be on the boys' team, the real team...

With justin.

Wow. So you're dating a football player?

Nice pull.

Thank you.

Look, eve, if women start moving to men's teams,

It sends a message that women's sports aren't as good as men's.

Well, you know what else sends that same message?

The fact that they're not as good.

Honey, this is very impressive,

But kristin's right -- You're already playing soccer.

You made a commitment to them.

Yeah, but that's a commitment to a soccer team.

That's like making a promise to a cat.

Honey, those girls are counting on you.

Yeah, eve. You are the best player on the soccer team.

Great. Hey, justin, you want to date a football player or not?

Listen, eve, your mom makes a good point. Thank you. Yes.

You can wait a year to go on the football team.

You can hold the rapture. I got another year here.

Fine. At least i still have the car.

Well...

What?

We're not gonna keep the camaro.

We're gonna sell it, because that free camaro

Is actually costing me like 20 grand in taxes.

For what? So obama can buy more happy-Meals

For illegal immigrants?

Nice try.

But i'm still selling the camaro.

Look, when we sell the car,

Then you'll have more money for college.

I won't need money for college.

There's no tuition at west point.

But west point is not set in stone.

You might decide to go somewhere else.

What? No. I'm committed to going to west point.

And i know how you feel about commitments.

Look, honey! Eve, eve, hold on a second.

W-W-Why did you say that about west point?

Honey.

Honey, we gotta --

What's up?

Uh, this is awkward,

But eve invited me to stay for dinner.

Umm...why don't you pop out

And get us a bottle of wine, then.

I'm still not 21.

Take all the time you need.

Oh, i agree with Vanessa.

Eve shouldn't be on that football team.

I still can't wrap my mind around women wanting to be men.

She doesn't want to be a man.

She's got bigger dreams than that --

She wants to be me.

You've been a hell of a role-Model, Mikey.

Thanks. I just hope i haven't set the bar too high.

I mean, there's days i can't even pull it off.

Oh! Look at this.

Check this out.

Pink camouflage!

You know, for the ladies.

So they can hunt flamingos?

If they get the proper permits, i have no objections.

Did you know that flamingos get their color

Because they eat so much shrimp?

Boy, i wish i was a flamingo.

Because you like shrimp that much?

No, that would be the one down-Side.

Look. Why don't you get this on the floor.

Get this on the floor. Yes, sir.

You know, pink camouflage serves no practical purpose.

Women love pink, Mikey. I don't make the rules.

Oh, and by the way,

Do you have any idea who called me on the phone this morning?

Do you want me to guess,

Or do you actually not know who you talked to this morning?

Congresswoman dewitt. First district.

She agreed to write a letter of nomination

For eve to go to west point.

Huh? What do you think?

thank you, my friend.

That'll help with her application.

How did you swing that?

Well, let's just say

I gave generously to her campaign.

You don't need to whisper.

It's actually legal to give money to politicians.

In that case...

i gave generously to her campaign!

We could also use help from both u.S. Senators...

And maybe joe biden.

'Cause you know he's not doing anything else.

He's just obama's foreign policy advisor.

And you can see how well that's going.

Mom, dad...

I have figured it out.

I talked to my soccer coach,

And they're gonna work around my practice schedule

So that i can do football and soccer.

Great. I look forward to attending one of those games.

Hey. Hey, hey. No, no. No.

You're not playing football.

No. Not with the size of those guys out there.

It's not safe.

But, mom, kickers never get hurt.

And when i'm on the field,

It's the entire team's job to protect me.

She's right, honey. It's like the secret service.

Except...

Except they're not protecting a dictator

Who's systematically destroying america.

Mom. Please. I really want to do this.

Your -- Your father and i, we're just --

We're gonna have to think about it.

Think about it more than this?

We -- We didn't think this much about having the kids.

Mom. Please?

All right, i'll go along with it,

But i'm on record for saying it's a bad idea.

Which, as you recall,

Is exactly what i said about having these kids.

Eve: yes! Thanks, guys!

You are looking at woodbridge high's new place-Kicker.

I'm on the football team. No.

Tell your coach you can't be number 22.

I dated number 22...

Brad... pffft...something.

Too many memories.

Hmm. Yeah, you might want to get that jersey steam-Cleaned.

Are you kidding? I'm never taking this off.

When i walk around school wearing this,

Do you know how much attention i'll get?

The same amount i used to get wearing...

Well, anything, really.

Well, i'll be getting attention for something i actually do.