Seinfeld

You know, I can now bite my fingernails so evenly

that I don't even need to use a clipper anymore.

But it's a pleasure to use clippers.

Why gnaw away like a mental patient

when we have this elegant device?

What if you're in prison?

They don't give you clippers?

No, it's like a weapon.

You know what's really a weapon? That big toenail.

You let that grow for a month,

take it in the shower, it's like a shiv.

I love prison.

It is fascinating.

Yeah...maybe someday.

You want me to find a poem about Susan?

May she rest in peace.

Well, we think it would be a nice touch

for the foundation literature.

You have a favorite poet, George?

I like, uh, Flavman.

Pardon?

Flavman.

Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best

at the time of her unfortunate--

at the time of her unfortunate--

Ahem. --accident.

He cleared his throat?

Yes. So?

He did it right as he said, "Her unfortunate accident."

Not getting it. Jerry, a throat clear

is a non-verbal implication of doubt.

He thinks I killed Susan.

Oh, help me, Rhonda.

What time is it?

One-fifteen.

Right now?

I gotta go meet Pam.

I gotta go meet Pam.

Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that going?

Okay.

I'm just not gaga over her.

For once, I'd like to be gaga.

Where's Elaine?

She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over.

You know, they all have kids now.

What's with all these people having babies?

Perpetuation of the species. Yeah, right.

By the way, just for the record--

No, I did not!

All right.

But because it comes out

of your baby, it smells good.

Well, that's-- That's sweet.

Well, that's-- That's sweet.

Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.

Elaine, ya gotta have a baby.

Oh, hey, you know,

I had a piece of whitefish

over at Barney Greengrass the other day, and I--

Elaine, move to Long Island and have a baby already.

I really like the city. The city's a toilet.

When's the last time you saw my little Adam?

Uh, it was in the Hamptons.

Ah, I have pictures. Oh, no, no, that's okay. It's--

Look at him, just look at him.

Look at him, just look at him.

So Elaine was telling me

about this piece of whitefish she had the other day.

Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?

You know, if you really wanna test him out,

why don't you try the Jerry Lewis trick?

Jerry Lewis?

I heard when Jerry Lewis left a meeting

he'd purposely leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.

Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it,

listen to what everyone said about him.

That's pretty paranoid. Yes, it is.

I like it! I thought you might.

Oh. Hi.

Oh. Hi.

I'm Pam.

You must be Kramer.

Jerry has, uh, told me a lot about you.

Well, uh, I'm supposed to meet Jerry.

It's my day off.

I work in a bookstore.

Books.

Oh! Careful!

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Hi.

That's okay. Kramer let me in.

If we rush, we can still make the movie.

It was really nice meeting you.

I'm in trouble, buddy.

I just met a woman.

Go on. Well...

she's Jerry's girlfriend.

Ah, yes,

forbidden love.

She works in a bookshop.

Her name is Pam.

Pam.

I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.

I can't even speak in front of her.

Jerry!

What could she possibly see in Jerry?

What could she possibly see in Jerry?

Oh!

She has delicate beauty.

Jerry wouldn't know delicate

if it bludgeoned him over the head.

And yet, he's my friend.

And therein lies the tragedy.

For I believe, sadly for you,

that there is but one woman meant for each of us.

One perfect angel

for whom we are put on this earth.

Oh, that's beautiful, Newman.

One winsome tulip

we ceaselessly yearn for

we ceaselessly yearn for

throughout our dreary workaday lives,

and you, my friend, have found your angel.

I can tell.

For my heart has also been captured

by a breathless beauty

whom I fear I will never possess.

I thought we were talking about me.

Oh, right.

Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.

Confront Jerry? I can't.

You must. I won't.

You will!

"Elaine, you gotta have a baby."

"Elaine, you gotta have a baby."

Ehh.

Where are the poetry magazines?

The New Yorker has poetry.

Yes, The New Yorker.

Why do you invite these women over

if they annoy you so much?

Well, they're my friends,

but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.

Come on. You wanna have a baby.

Why? Because I can?

It's the life force.

I saw a show on the mollusk last night.

Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile

just for a shot at another mollusk.

You think you're any better?

Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.

Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing

what you were saying. Oh, I'm sorry--

No, no. I think I agree with you.

I mean, all this talk about having babies.

Yeah, like you must procreate.

Besides, anyone can do it.

Oh, it's been done to death.

I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.

Are you okay, George?

No, no.

Not really.

Ever since Susan passed on I have good days and bad.

Ever since Susan passed on I have good days and bad.

Some days I-- I'm haunted by one word:

why?

Why Susan?

Why wasn't it me licking those invitations?

Why am I still here?

But I gotta run, uh...

Now, the stock options

for this year look, uh, quite--

Briefcase.

So, Kevin, if I don't want children,

does that make me a bad humanitarian?

Not at all.

I mean, when you get to know me,

you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian.

You are doing a wonderful job, by the way.

You are doing a wonderful job, by the way.

Thanks a lot.

Right? Am I right? Yeah.

Kramer.

Kramer, come here, look at my new friend Kevin.

Oh, you got a little, uh--

You got-- Wha--? Oh, yeah.

I just had, uh, two double-fudge sundaes.

Oh, are you all right?

Yeah, I'll be okay.

You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.

Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.

Oh, no, that won't last.

What do you mean?

He's not gaga.

He's not gaga.

Let me tell you something. That Jerry Lewis?

You wonder how these people get to the top?

It's ideas like this. Brilliant! Ha, ha.

Look at this. What the hell happened?

The whole side is damaged here.