Ordinary Lies

We can't all be like you, Kath.

Some of us screw things up.

Oh, Kathy! Have you seen Mike?

I never knew what true happiness was till we got married.

Then it was too late.

It's a mess. Given a chance, I'd spends the rest of me life with her.

~ I love Dave. ~ Did anything happen?

It was just sex.

He rejected me.

Because he loves you.

I want to talk about where we go from here.

Hello?

Where are you?

Still at work.

Right.

Ali, it's the FSA review.

If I don't stay late, it won't get done.

~ Who else is there? ~ No-one. Listen.

Just me and the coffee machine.

I'll be leaving in five. I'll be home in 30.

OK.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I know you're in there!

I've got a weapon here, but I don't want to use it.

Come... come out nice and slowly.

~ Don't hit me! ~ Rick!

What are you doing?

You'd better come in.

Are you sleeping in here?!

~ Is there any point denying it? ~ Why?!

Me and Saskia - I can't be in that house any longer.

~ How long you been doing this? ~ Couple of weeks.

It's only a stopgap till I find somewhere proper.

~ Please tell me that that's not a... ~ En suite?

Shall I show you my Jacuzzi and steam room?

I clean it every morning. It won't affect you selling it.

~ You need to get out of here. ~ Yeah. ~ You can't do this.

Have you not got a mate who's got a spare room or something?

They're all married, aren't they? Nippers.

Except me mate Nobby,

~ but he kind of blames me for his wife walking out, so... ~ How come?

Long story, but the edited highlights are a four-day bender,

a pair of Welsh twins

and a dose of genital herpes.

Get your gear. You can stay at mine tonight.

At yours?! Are you sure?

Your missus ain't going to be too happy about that.

~ She'll be fine. I'll call her on the way home. ~ This is amazing!

I've always said you're a good bloke -

whenever the others call you a dickhead,

I always say, "No, he's a star, that man."

Do you want the bed or not?

.. sake.

Ali, this is Rick.

Rick, Alison.

Are you sure this is OK?

I mean, I don't want to be in your way, or nothing.

Oh, don't be silly - we can't have you sleeping in a van.

Just for a few days, till I get a new place sorted.

Seriously, don't worry. This is Luke.

If you don't stand in front of the Wii, he won't notice you're here.

Table tennis? I'm the master, mate.

~ We'll have to have a game. ~ I'll beat you, easy. ~ Don't think so.

~ Money on it? ~ Yeah, if you like. Like father, like son.

Come on, I'll show you the granny flat.

It's not a granny flat!

He just calls it that.

~ I'm making chilli, if you're hungry. Ten minutes. ~ Great!

Here you are.

Well, how come you call it a granny flat?

Cos it had a granny in it. Al's mum used to stay with us.

Oh, right. Is she dead now?

No. She moved to live in St Ann's.

As good as, then.

I had a granny once.

Well, not a wrinkly one - she were only 46.

But she had kids young, and she was HOT.

But I remember thinking after, "That's it, I'm a granny-shagger."

It didn't sit easy, mate! It did not sit easy.

You remember Ruby, don't you?

Not really. Last time I saw her she were about five.

Rubes?

Yeah?

Did Mum explain to you? This is Rick.

He's going to be staying with us for a few days.

He's one of the grease monkeys from work.

He's having a few, er, family problems.

I'm going to put him in Gran's old room, OK?

~ Cool. ~ All right.

~ Why the vinyl? ~ I'm a DJ. ~ Cool.

Although you can't be any good...

or you wouldn't fix cars for a living.

I wouldn't mind, but it's my house.

You know? My dad left it to me when he croaked.

I told her, I said, "I want to sell it, split the money,"

but she refuses.

I put it on the market - the first people that came round,

she opened the door to 'em in her bra and knickers.

Pretended to have special needs!

~ How long have you been like this? ~ Two years. ~ Two years?!

~ In separate rooms? ~ Separate rooms, separate lives, man.

She wouldn't even make me a brew.

That's crazy, Rick.

I get up the other night, 2am wee,

head to the bathroom, as I go in, some guy comes out,

~ stark bollock naked... ~ Whoa! ~ Sorry, mate. Sorry.

.. scared the life out of me.

And he looks me in the eye, and he says, "Who are you?"

"Who are you?"! So, I'm stood there

trying to avoid looking at his tackle

explaining that, legally speaking,

I'm the husband of the woman he's in bed with.

You could say that's when I realised something had to change, yeah?

Morning!

Maybe we should keep this quiet from the others.

Don't want them thinking I'm some sort of charity case.

My lips are sealed.

Say that again?

~ I'm living with the boss. ~ Mike?! ~ No, the other boss

~ Yeah, Mike. Spare room, sweet as. ~ How did this come about?

He offered - I need to get out my place,

so he said I could live with him for a few weeks.

I wouldn't let you in my house. Not with your reputation.

Oh, yeah, like I'm going to try and bang the boss's wife?

~ What do you think I am, insane? ~ Yes.

Three hours 14 minutes. New world record.

Don't take up comedy.

I told my mum I got a job in a bowling alley.

She said, "Ten pin?"

I said, "No. Permanent."

Then I phoned the gym

and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

They said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Hey, Rick, I was thinking, maybe we could grab a pint on the way home.

~ Yeah, brilliant. Where at? ~ Fletcher's? ~ Perfect. I'm buying.

Watch that lady.

Lady?!

I should've never got married.

You know, I can't... I can't commit to anything.

Every time I go out, I'm sniffing around, eyeing skirt.

Marking women out of ten in me head.

Alison's a seven, by the way.

Nice arse, good bod for her age.

~ Does she work out? ~ Endlessly.

I hate predictability. I hate... I HATE domesticity.

Sas used to moan about the curtains not being closed properly

~ at bedtime. ~ No! ~ Every night there'd be some comment about it.

Every single night.

I mean, the curtains! The curtains! Who gives a shit?

So, you let a millimetre of light through in the morning - let it go!

~ Please. ~ You know, they say this stuff'll kill you -

the booze, the fags, the bacon sarnies.

Shall I tell you what kills people?

Boredom. Responsibility.

It's poison, man.

Well, you don't have to tell me.

~ You and Ali? ~ Yeah, you know, we've had our problems.

Wow. I thought you two were solid.

Not that I'd really know.

Tough on the kids, you know?

They're at that age now where they can see it.

Was anyone else involved?

No.

Nah, nothing like that.

~ Cheeky chaser for the road? ~ My round.

I'm on the decks tonight if you fancy a late one.

Clubbing, at my age?!

You're a long time dead.

Dirty stop-out!

What are you doing up?

I'm a light sleeper. Heard you banging about.

Do me a favour, don't tell your dad.

If I get about four hours' sleep, I can make it through the day.

Your secret's safe with me.

Fancy a spliff?

If we get caught, we're dead.

We won't get caught.

Nice.

You've never seen Captain Pugwash?!

~ No. ~ Danger Mouse?

~ No. ~ Count Duckula?!

~ You're making these up! ~ Oh, my God, this is criminal, man, it really is.

~ The kids of today. ~ I'll YouTube 'em tomorrow.

I'm clearly missing some integral part of my cultural education.

Do the Hair Bear Bunch, while you're at it.

And you've no other thought in your mind - it's just you and the crowd,

and if they're smiling, if they're dancing,

you know you're doing your job.

And the right tunes, the right vibe, and you can see it in front of you.

You're... You're creating pleasure.

It's amazing. I love it.

Love it!

Greatest song ever written?

Impossible. Too many to choose from.

~ If you had to. ~ Why would I have to?

~ Gun to your head?! ~ What, someone's put a gun to my head

and asked me for the best song ever written?

~ That's an unlikely scenario, Ruby. ~ Choose! ~ There's too many moods.