King of the Hill

Thank God it's covered in warning labels

because this antifreeze looks delicious.

Peggy. Look.

Hank, we are not getting an HDTV.

They are too lifelike.

Luanne would be walking into it all the time.

No, it's Bobby. He's watching football.

He's too close to the screen.

Should I go...?

No, don't disturb him.

At first I thought Bobby was just standing in front of the TV

watching all the colors, but then...

he actually cheered.

Congratulations, Hank.

Now your life is finally perfect.

You guys should come over and watch the Cowboy game tomorrow.

I have to capitalize on this.

Otherwise, we'll be right back

to watching his troll doll performances.

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout that ol'

dang ol' "Trolleo and Juliet," man.

That ol... Dang ol' awful, man.

Well, that was a great play, wasn't it, son?

Don't you think it was great?

Don't you just wanna watch football forever?

Be cool, Hank.

I'm cool. I'm cool.

Yeah, it was great.

Mr. Dauterive, will you pass me the chips?

Got dang it, Bill. Pass him the chips!

The bowl... it's empty!

We're out!

That's okay. That's okay.

We'll just go to the kitchen

and get more chips.

Bobby, you stay right here

and watch that game...

which you are enjoying.

Well, he seems interested.

We gotta close the deal, and get this kid to a real game, quick.

Yeah, man, we got a dang ol' Big 12 Championship

in dang ol'... over in Houston this year, man.

Texas/Nebraska. That's perfect!

A big game, a trip to the Rose Bowl at stake, an intense rivalry...

Bobby'll get a real sense of the hatred

that makes football so great.

Son, remember the day you found out

cakes could be made of ice cream?

Well, today is gonna be better.

Wow. This is gonna be some day.

Hank, I have mapped out a route to the game

that is the least likely to distract Bobby.

There are no amusement parks, malls, or magic shops.

If I missed something, use this.

It only buys you three minutes, so use it carefully.

Uncle Hank, Uncle Hank, I made you a mixed tape for the drive!

Do not accidentally play side B

or you will fall in love.

Here we are, Bobby.

Alamo Field.

So, this is football.

$25?! Where's the regular parking?

There is none.

Because everyone's a V.I.P. at Alamo Field.

Wow, look at all that cool stuff.

Hey, you want some souvenirs?

Let's get you some souvenirs.

We can redo your whole room in Longhorns if you want.

Ooh, wastebaskets!

Dale, you got the tickets?

Yep. One for you. You.

And you.

"Texas vs. Nebrasky"?

Dale, you idiot, you bought fake tickets!

Impossible.

Well-played, Octavio.

What are we gonna do?

Man, we're gonna have to go to a dang ol' scalper, man.

Scalper? Boomhauer, that's illegal.

I'll get the tickets.

Uh... hi.

My son just started liking football,

and I really need him to see this game in person.

You see, he normally likes troll dolls

and things that fly around, and...

Tickets are face value, plus a hundred.

A hundred?!

Uh, th-thanks for bringing me

those tickets I forgot, old friend!

I'm glad I was able to repay you

the money I owed you for an unrelated matter.

Aunt Peggy, why aren't you going to the game thing?

Mmm, let's just say that my style of cheering

is not consistent with the new stadium regulations.

You call that a coin toss?! (gasps)

Aghh! I'm dizzy.

We're so high up because of those damn luxury boxes.

They're ruining football.

And possibly baseball, too,

but it's harder to tell.

Look, that box is empty!

What a waste. A real fan could be sitting in there.

Ah, that blimp scared me.

Dad, the birds flying below us are blocking my view of the game.

Do you think if I threw some popcorn

over there, they'd get out of the way?

Bill, throw your popcorn at the birds.

But it was $12!

Dad, I'm kinda thirsty. Can I go get a soda?

Sure, nothing like a cold drink at a great game.

Here's a ten...

Uh, better make that a 20.

The concession stand

can only make Bobby like football so much.

The Longhorns have to do their part.

God, they can't even tackle.

They can't even move the ball.

They can't even punt!

Well, I'm sure glad Bobby's not here to see this.

Yeah. Uh... wait!

Does Bobby know an oil tycoon or a Saudi prince?

'Cause he's sitting in a luxury box.

What?

Bobby?

Bobby?

Hey, Dad, check this out.

I can watch the game and support my lumbar at the same time!

Bobby, what are you doing? You can't be in here.

But you said real fans could be sitting here,

and then I realized something: I'm a real fan.

Check out how close we are to the field!

You can smell the grass.

The ref just threw

some kinda hankie thing,

and Nebraska had to move back four or five lines.

Look, Bobby, I know it's nice, but we can't stay here.

We have to go. (Crowd cheering)

Interception!

Th-These boxes are very expensive, Bobby.

Yeah, look at him run!

Run! Run!

Yeah, all right!

Well, I guess we have to go now.

Uh, yes, yes, we, we should go.

Go, Horns, go!

Go, Horns, go! Go, Horns, go!

Go, Horns, go! Go, Horns, go!

Go, Horns, go! Go, Horns, go!

Go, Horns, go!

Uh, maybe we should leave.

All right, another first down!

Huh, uh... maybe we shouldn't leave.

The Longhorns were doing terrible,

and the momentum shifted right when we got here.

We've got mojo on our side now.

What's mojo?

Mojo is a magical, fragile thing.

It's when you've pleased the god of football

and he decides to shine his glorious bounty upon your team.

If you anger him, he takes it away.

We got the mojo! The Longhorns have to win!

Oh, they have to! Oh, I hope with all my hope!

Me, too, Bobby. Me, too.

Hank!

We were worried sick. And our seats were awful.

Wow.

This place is fancy.

Free beer.

Free hot dogs!

Free drawer space!

Hey, throw me the ball!

Hey, throw me the ball!

Dang it, Dale. Knock it off!

If you guys keep acting like jackasses,

we'll get kicked out of here.

And if we get kicked out,

the momentum might shift back to Nebraska and then we lose.

And if we lose, Bobby'll hate football

and live an unfulfilling life.

And then he will die.

Man, Hank, you've really thought this through.

Hold onto your hats, folks.

The Longhorns are driving down the field!

I'm gonna watch the game unencumbered.

So long, jerk!

Dessert cart.

Uh, is Jake Middleton here? This is supposed to be his box.

Jake Middleton? The old Nebraska quarterback?

One of the greatest play-makers in the history of the game?

This is his box?

Um, yeah.

Yep, he's here. Hold on.

We're his family.

Ned Middleton, pleased to make your acquaintanceship.

Wh-Why are you wearing Texas clothes?

Irony.

Ol' Jake's out there with a kid from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

And it's that kid's wish that they not be disturbed.

Oh, and it was also his wish

that we eat all the desserts and you bill it to Jake.