Crowded

Shea, what does this say? Alice sent me a text.

It's just tiny cartoons.

Those are emojis.

Emojis?

God, I hate new things.

Heart, bed, female cop.

Oh, that must mean Alice is coming home in uniform.

When grandma is in her prison guard outfit

I find her particularly enticing.

You know, Dad, I was going to try to eat this, so...

if you would just please never, never say that again.

- Hello. - Hello, officer.

I'm a bad boy, bad boy. Whatcha gonna do?

So I'll just go on a diet.

Oh, Mike, I wanted to tell you

we got an inmate request today.

A prisoner wants to meet with you.

Kyle Sullivan.

Kyle Sullivan? Kyle Sullivan's in prison?

That is fantastic. I hope he fries.

Who is Kyle Sullivan?

He was your dad's fifth grade bully.

You had a bully, Dad?

You're like a giant.

I was small back then,

and Kyle was responsible for the most humiliating

moment of my life.

He super glued me to my chair,

and I had to climb out of my pants

in front of the whole class.

He was standing there crying

in his little Superman underpants.

I skipped over certain details for a reason.

You should have seen Mike back then.

Short, scrawny, glasses,

an all-you-can-eat buffet for bullies.

Well, it didn't help that you cut my hair with a bowl.

Well, I wasn't gonna pay five bucks for a haircut.

I'd already paid five bucks for the bowl.

I want to see pictures.

Well, they don't exist. I got rid of them all.

Oh, so we can get rid of all the pictures of me

with glasses, braces, and zits.

No. Those are adorable.

You were such a sweet little mess.

It's so weird: we're sisters,

but I never needed glasses, braces, or had zits.

What a fun point.

Weren't you a huge bully, Stella?

I wasn't a bully.

I just mocked people for their appearance or being different.

And you know, some of those kids

lost the weight, so...

But if dad's still upset about his bully,

then maybe some of the kids from my class are too.

You could track them down and make amends.

Yeah, I suppose I could.

There was this one kid I should really say sorry to.

His name was Elliot, but I called him "Smelliot."

And they say hot girls aren't funny.

You know, Mike, maybe that's why Kyle contacted you.

To apologize.

It could be good to finally bring some closure

to a time in your life that obviously still haunts you.

Bad idea, Mike. Let the past stay in the past.

Don't go to see Kyle. Trust me on this one.

Well, I'm gonna go see him.

I've been dreaming about this moment for over 30 years.

Being big and successful and married,

and looking him in the eye and saying,

"Ha ha, I won!"

Martina, I want you to come with me.

Oh, that's a great idea,

'cause you know, as a therapist,

I've helped lots of my patients

confront the people who hurt them.

Yeah, sounds good. Just wear something super hot.

I'm still not sure about this outfit, Mike.

I mean, I know you want to show me off,

and how taut my body is even after two kids,

and how Pilates has kept me...

Let's bring him back in here, Martina.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so nervous all of a sudden.

I'm a grown man.

It's perfectly normal.

When you confront someone who hurt you as a child,

it's not unusual to feel like that child again.

Oh, my God. There he is.

That mountain with a beard?

No, the guy behind him.

Oh, my God. That's Kyle?

Well...

Kyle was that size in fifth grade

plus anybody's gonna look small next to Amish Hulk Hogan.

Thanks for the escort, Marcus.

Later I want to do some lifting in the yard,

nothing too heavy; I'm going for tone, not bulk.

You think I'm too bulky?

No, no, no. On you it works.

Here you go.

No, I don't smoke.

You should. It makes you look cool.

Hey, Mikey. You got rid of the bowl cut.

Good move.

Aren't you going to introduce me to your daughter here?

Oh. I'm not his...

Just calm down, Martina.

This is my wife.

Enchanté, Martina.

Call me Neil Young,

'cause I wanna live with a cinnamon girl.

I also have a big house, a great job;

I got two beautiful daughters.

So, in conclusion, ha ha, I win.

Kiss me, Martina.

Kiss me in front of him.

And I assume that you asked me here so you could apologize.

Before you do, I would also like to mention

that I fly a helicopter.

I defy gravity like a god.

That's incredible.

And... apologize for what, buddy?

"Buddy?"

Oh, no, we... we weren't buddies.

You... you made my life miserable,

and I'm not even talking about the little things,

like playing keep away with my hat...

A little game...

Putting that "kick me" sign on my back...

Classic fun...

Calling me "tiny."

True then, ironic now.

Well, all that was nothing compared to...

the incident.

Ooh, ominous.

What incident?

He's talking about that time you glued him to his chair.

No, I never did that.

I swear.

I called you down here because I need your help.

I'm in here for possession,

but those drugs were planted.

Another thing you say you didn't do.

It seems to be a theme in your life.

There's security footage that proves I'm innocent.

I remembered your dad was a cop.

I thought maybe he could help get it.

Why didn't your lawyer get the footage and use it in court?

I got a public defender.

She game me five minutes and told me to plead out.

You know, they're overworked,

underpaid and not nearly as hot as they are on TV.

Kyle, it's time for lunch.

Fish sticks.

Oh! My favorite.

Listen, Mike, I got no one else to turn to.

Please? Talk to your dad?

Hey, I never asked. What are you in here for?

Triple homicide.

Ah, people make mistakes.

That's why pencils have erasers.

Wow, Elliot. I don't remember you being so funny.

That's because you're usually making me cry.

Oh, look at us with this banter.

I'll go get us some more wine.

So how's it going?

You're not going to believe this,

I'm kind of attracted to him.

I mean, he's nice,

he's smart, he's funny.

I can't believe I'm crushing on a nerd.

I think Elliot is cute.

Really?

I don't get these skinny guys.

I need a big guy I can pretend is a firefighter.

Or a longshoreman.

Or Seattle Seahawks Defensive End Michael Bennett.

Mm, mm, mm, mm-mm.

I don't care what Coach Carroll says.

Michael, I'm gonna need you to crash that gap.

So, Elliot. I, Stella, being of sound mind,

hot body, and only, like, two drinks,

would like to go on a second date with you.

I'll give you a moment to not believe your luck.

Yeah, I'm not interested.

Wait, what?

But I like you.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

You're getting back at me for bullying you.

Well played, sir. Well played.

But now that we're even...

No, it's just that, no offense,

but you're kind of shallow,

and I don't think we have anything in common.

I don't even know what we would talk about.

Sorry, Stella.

No, wait! We can talk about stuff.

Nerd stuff.