Lesbian Space Princess

- Kiki, I made you this scrapbook,

which I know is a bit weird,

but it all means nothing without you,

because you are my everything.

It's like my life only started that day

you rode into Clitopolis for that bounty hunting job.

I didn't exactly have girls knocking down my door,

before you did.

Kind of hard when everyone's obsessed with my moms,

the great Leanne and Anne, the lives of the party.

And I'm just there, too.

The most boring royal in the history of Clitopolis,

as voted by the people.

That was a tough day.

But look at me now!

No one ever thought they'd see the day Princess Saira

would have a hot as fuck partner.

I can't be exiled to the singles zone

this year's Lesbian Ball.

I know we're a bit of an odd match,

like you love travelling, and danger, and partying,

and I'm scared to go anywhere, and of everything,

and I'd rather stay home and work on my magic tricks.

But you know what they say?

Opposites attract.

You complete me.

And I know in my heart

we'll be together forever

and ever,

and ever.

You're dumped.

Fuck.

Oh, and she's very sad.

- Look, maybe if things were different

and you were a different person

and I was a different person,

maybe this could have worked for me.

But you're you,

and I'm me.

I'm sorry.

Please stop crying.

I literally can't.

- Hey, it's okay, you'll be all right.

You are really good with your hands.

Oh my God, oh.

Oh, you're so good at that.

It's my sleight of hand.

You're smothering me.

We've only been dating like two weeks,

and you made this terrifying book.

No.

- I just thought dating a space princess would be more,

ah, fun.

I don't wanna Gayflix and chill every night.

I'm sorry.

- And the "Sorry"s always with the "Sorry"s.

- Sorry, oh, sorry for being sorry.

Can we at least still go to the Lesbian Ball together?

- Absolutely not, I need to get outta here.

Goodbye forever.

Pretend you saw a smoke bomb and I'm gone.

Wait, Saira. - Yeah?

You're wearing my jumper.

Oh.

- Oh man, fuck, that's my jumper, too.

Mm-hmm.

Ugh, you know what?

Keep it, it can be your birthday present.

Yay!

I will never

take it off.

Oh.

- Yeah, I gotta get the hell outta here, I'm sorry.

Fuck, ugh, it's contagious, goodbye forever.

I'll miss you so much.

Oh, and of course I'll miss you, too, Royal Pussy.

You always bring the party.

This hurts me more than it hurts you.

- Honestly, I can't believe it lasted that long.

- We told you the scrapbook was too much.

- Okay, so that start was pretty shit house.

But welcome to...

That's a cool drum roll.

Our birthday party!

For Saira.

Oh.

- We can't believe she's 22 today.

23.

- We can't believe she's 23 today.

- Which means it's that time of the year

where we see if she can finally summon her royal labrys.

Think she'll fail again?

Is the sky rainbow?

For thousands of years,

the Clitopian royal bloodline has been born

with the ability to summon one of the most

powerful weapons known to l-l-lesbian kind.

The labrys.

- Let us now turn to the ancient scriptures of Wikipedia.

This all began back on Earth, it says...

- "In the 1970s, the labrys was adopted

by the lesbian community as a feminist symbol

representing strength and self-sufficiency."

- The summonings happened first try for us.

But you know what they say, six time's the charm.

- Try not to do that over the thinking thing you do.

- Wait, what do you mean by that?

- Let the summoning begin!

It's happening.

- Oh. - Oh, for fucks sake.

- Oh, sweetie, that was really tough.

Especially for us.

- It is so hard to watch you struggle,

but let's not have it ruin a good party.

Who wants to see us dance?

- I do, I wanna see us dancing.

Great dancing!

- Kiki, ever since you've disappeared,

who else can I talk to?

I'm lost.

When you left, you took everything with you.

The absence of you is everywhere I look.

It's like a huge hole

has been pumped through my chest.

But in a way, I'm glad.

The pain is my only reminder that you were real.

- Kiki the Destroyer, for all your bounty hunting needs.

Hmm.

Couldn't you just watch me, like, all day?

Kapow.

Fuck, I'm good.

Yeah, no, this is my room.

Take them, not me, what the fuck!

No, no, no, no, please, I'm too hot to die.

What the fuck?

Where am I?

Oh, what is this?

- Welcome to our cave, that is our toxic home brew.

Who the hell are you?

Who are we?

We're the Straight White Maliens.

- Who? - Oh, come on.

Are you, are you serious?

The Straight White Maliens.

We used to be the most powerful beings

in the whole universe.

Who?

- Yeah, of course, everyone has forgotten about us.

Everyone!

- You stripped our ancestors of all their power and you,

you left our kind for dead.

- And we were exiled to this man cave.

But we've had a gut full of being pushed us bloody side.

I'm getting upset.

- You don't wanna see us upset right now.

- Oh, you don't want to see us get bloody.

It's not good.

- Let me guess, you wanna rule the world again?

No, wrong, incorrect.

Then what do you want from me?

You?

This isn't about you.

- You are just the bait.

What?

- You see, we can't get the hot chicks anymore.

So for thousands of years we've been slaving

over building this chick magnet.

But Larry fucked it up!

- Well, I don't hear you complaining when you eat

these delicious, fresh eggs every morning,

Your eggs are shit!

You know those eggs are shit!

- What are you gonna feed the chicks when we get 'em?

- Anyway, shut up, I'm gonna feed the chicks our-

Oh no, wait, that makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

Anyways, long story short,

we ended up buying a new Swedish chick magnet online.

- But when it arrived, what did we discover?

The bloody battery's not included.

- Oh, hate that. - Yeah, I do hate that.

- And according to the manual, the battery is Princess Saira

of Clitopolis's royal labrys.

What the fuck?

That seems weirdly specific.

It's so stupid!

Especially because we can't get past

that dumb Safety Bubble protecting gay space.

And that little princess is some sort of weird shut in.

It says she literally never goes anywhere.

Literally never.

- But according to the manual, there is one thing

that could lure her out of gay space.

Kiki, finally.

Wait, oh my God, where are you?

- Saira, you gotta help me, I've been captured by these

things called Straight White Maliens.

- Who? - Oh, fuck you!

Now listen, princess, we need your royal labrys.

What, why?