Hard Soap, Hard Soap

Hello?

Lou?

Penny?

Lou, it laid there, like a dead fish.

Areal flounder huh?

It's not funny, Lou.

My husband can't get it up and you wanna joke.

Oh all right, I'll be right over.

Look, no crotch.

Lou, I'm eating.

Fred loved 'em.

Honey, how many times I gotta tell you

it's the tops you're supposed to wear?

Gotta show 'em crotch.

With those tits small wonder he can't get it up anyway.

Okay, okay I'll shut up.

Tell me it's not me.

Comfort me.

Well, it's not you.

Good, glad to hear that.

He needs my help.

I've got to help him solve his problem.

Listen, your husbands a doctor, a psychiatrist,

he can solve his own problems.

It's paranoid, freak-0's like us that keep

him in business.

And you in cornflakes.

Four nights in a row.

It just laid there, limp.

Well penny, he works hard, he's tired.

There's a solution.

I know it.

Well I don't doubt that but it's not kill

or cure time either.

It's my sex life, my marriage, I've got to solve it.

Wanna borrow my panties?

It's at the office, something's going on at the office

that's causing this problem.

To cure you must understand the nature of the problem.

Well, why don't we get clinical about it.

Lou, are you my friend?

Honey, we've been friends since dirt.

You've got to help me.

Please, go to the office.

He doesn't know you.

You've only lived next door for a week.

Can I finish my coffee first?

I'm vicious without it.

You think I should change?

It's settled, you go to the office.

Penny, I don't know if I should get involved in this.

I've got it all planned.

They're all sickies down there.

They'll never know the difference.

Not that you're crazy or anything.

Dr. Holmes just phoned, he'll be a little late.

So why don't you wait in his office.

Do you want a glass of milk?

No, I've got some in the truck.

But I've got plenty.

Oh, you have a whole truck full.

I just don't know what to do.

I've had experience, I can tell

it's not your fault.

I just can't satisfy her.

Look, maybe it's the hours you keep.

Milkmen do get up early.

No, that's not it.

I just can't satisfy her.

I'm a lousy lover.

Can I be personal?

Sure.

Maybe it's your equipment.

I mean, maybe you're just not large enough

in that department.

I mean, I could judge.

I could be fair about it, where as she'd never tell you

for fear of hurting your feelings.

Do you know what I mean?

That's not it, I'm sure of it.

See, I knew it.

You're backing away from the problem.

I'm not, I'm not.

Yes, you are now stand up.

Stand up.

That's not it.

Come on, now look

I want you to know my husband's a doctor.

We've discussed these situations many times before.

I just want you to know that I've had experience.

Relax, men are very sensitive

about the size of their organ.

Oh, the milk.

I didn't want it to get spoiled by sitting out there

in the heat and all.

That's not it.

This is all wrong.

I shouldn't be doing this

I shouldn't be doing this is definitively not the way to

solve your problem

don't stop!

We won't, not until we have done our best to solve your problem

It's the only way to know for sure

do me

Hi, I didn't really have an appointment

but I thought maybe if you were free you could...

Oh yes.

Well, ah...

Aww, oh you poor dear,

must be terrible, I mean, terrible with a mask and all.

Here come here, sit down.

Thank you.

Believe me, I know how you feel.

Believe me, I know just how you feel.

Tell me about it.

Well I can take the mask off, it's just decoration.

Oh no, no, no, it would be too traumatic.

No, really I just didn't want anyone

to recognize me cause a lot of crazy people come here.

I know what you mean, believe me, I know what you mean.

There's so many of 'em out there.

You never know what they're gonna say.

Mm-hmm.

You have such a beautiful mouth.

Oh, well, thank you.

Can't really see, you know, the mask and all.

Just two little holes, and two little eyes and a...

So, you give head?

Oh, only on wednesdays and by appointment only.

Just what I thought.

The minute I saw you walk through that door I said,

"there's a girl who gives head and she's ashamed of it

so she wears a mask”

I'm not ashamed of it.

Yes, you are.

Listen, stay right here

I want you to give me head

what? - Give me head

oh god

you'll be cured

you can take off the mask

you'll never have to wear it again

have faith, have faith! You must have faith in me

it will be a long difficult cure

I can cure!

I can cure!

You are, you are.

Oh here, let me lay down

oh yeah, here, oh yeah

I'm satisfied!

I'm satisfied!

Definitely being satisfied

the problem is not yours

maybe a little longer?

If you want to be sure

yeah, yes, yes

you are really quite good

I can't imagine what your wife could be missing

do you ever talk to her?

As your making love?

You're cured!

What is going on here?

I am Dr. Holmes, this is my office

and I want to know what is going on here

well, suck a dick!

Do you think you will be finished soon?

I am expecting someone over

Oh my god!

I am glad I moved the milk

oh no!

It's hit heart!

I think he is coming around

coming yes, it's some kind of a heart massage

Lou I don't think you should be here when he wakes up

it could be a shock to his heart

I'll be in the bedroom

I think it was your heart

you don't have anything to worry about

I was completely satisfied

try talking to your wife a little more as you are making

love it might help.

It's a good feeling

I should hope so

to know that you really helped someone

you're crazy, you know you are crazy

you send me all the way down to your husbands office to help you

with your problem

then I come back here and you are balling someguy to help

with his problem

what about your problem?

You know, people need my help

they have no one to turn to

they're using you

it's Willard

now don't come in.

Who the fuck is Willard?

Willard is the newspaper boy

he is standing out there in front of the window looking in

don't let him see you

Oh dear the batteries are almost dead