Reboot

What's the difference between a croque madame and a croque monsieur?

It's actually the exact same sandwich.

The croque madame has an egg on the top of it.

So the female version of the sandwich has an egg.

- That's really reductive. - What do you want it to have?

Lipstick and a push-up bra?

Can I get a black-and-white cookie, or is that gonna start a thing?

Excuse me.

Hi, Elaine.

Oh, network executive on the floor.

Hannah, Gordon, can I talk to you two?

In private?

Ooh.

Damn it, we're getting canceled.

Nobody's getting canceled.

Famous last words.

Now I have to go to Puerto Vallarta with my wife.

Two things I love, skin cancer and diarrhea.

Nothing for me, please.

There's been a bloodless coup.

- What? - At Hulu.

Remember my boss Daniel Silva?

The one who promoted me from research and greenlit the show?

He got fired late last night.

Oh, shit.

They already brought in a new guy who's cleaning house,

heads are rolling left and right.

I don't want to go back to Silicon Valley.

I'm too little to micro-dose.

- For me, it's just dosing. - This is not good.

The new regime always wants the old one's stuff to fail.

On my film Cunt Saw, a new boss came in-

- and he cut our release in half, down to two theaters.

- I won't be able to tell my family if I get fired.

I spent all Thanksgiving bragging about my Disneyland discount.

- We get a Disneyland discount? - Not for long.

Okay, okay, everybody relax.

You know, on the original run of our show,

we had four different network presidents-

over like eight years.

You could set your watch by it.

So, trust me. We got nothing to worry about.

Okay, okay, good to know.

Yeah, that is a huge relief.

So, who's the new guy?

Um, his name is Tyler Griffin.

Uh-oh.

So, Bree, what it's like going from being a duchess-

- halfway across the world back to your old show?

So fun!

I love this show more than anything in the world.

And, yes, I will always cherish my time in Fjordstad,

but being a royal was never really me.

You know, I'm a mid-western girl with small-town values.

Do you mind moving?

You're staring and it's distracting me.

Speaking of royalty, how do you feel about-

- the developments with your ex-husband, the duke?

Well, that depends on which developments-

you're talking about.

There have been so many lately.

That he's getting married to his former assistant?

Yes, she is lovely-

and I'm so thrilled-

- that he will no longer be so sad and lonely-

since I left.

And, of course, that she's pregnant with his baby.

Yeah.

How about that? I couldn't be happier for them.

And I've moved on, too. Reed Sterling and I, we're back together-

- and nobody knows this, but we're madly in love again.

And we're even talking about having children ourselves.

That's unbelievable!

I know.

Why do you hate him so much after all these years?

Tyler Griffin is the reason the show ended.

He's just, he's a no-talent,

self-serving, back-stabbing liar-

who failed upwards.

He's the kind of guy he's like all smiles to your face-

while he's sticking his foot up your ass.

You know, that's a thing.

He changed our time slot four times-

in one season, four times.

Our own fans couldn't even find the show.

Then he has the gall to tell the press-

that we, quote, "under performed."

How's that? Under performed.

The word still frosts my balls.

So, I told the press what actually happened-

- and that apparently didn't sit well with him and he got really annoyed-

and canceled the show.

I thought the show ended 'cause Reed left.

No, Reed never would've left if we weren't circling the drain.

To be fair, Griffin may also resent-

- the fact that you fucked his wife. - Also that, yeah, yeah.

- Wait, you actually slept with his wife? - For revenge.

- I got the idea from Tin Men. - Great movie.

Danny DeVito smashes Richard Dreyfuss' Cadillac,

- so Richard Dreyfuss seduces DeVito's wife.

I had the idea for that movie.

I was gonna write it over a hiatus,

- but it turned out I never had the time because we went too long on ALF.

Didn't you also claim you had the idea for Tootsie?

And Caddyshack.

I have quite an impressive list of films I almost wrote.

Okay, I'm sorry, can get back to the important point-

of you fucking his wife?

Hey, before you get on your holy high judgy horse,

- let me point out that this was during a very brief period-

- where your stepmom and I had an open relationship.

Not open, but it was ajar.

Ew. Oh, my God.

I mean, this is bad. You understand how bad this is.

Seriously, are we gonna get canceled?

I just bought a mattress.

If we do, Alan can finally write Casablanca.

- I have a funny story about that. - Okay, I can't believe-

we're finally in a groove here-

- and now it's gonna end because you felt the need-

- to stab someone in the back with your dick.

Also a thing.

- Stop. - Relax.

He never even found out about me and his wife.

And, trust me, this prick has so many people-

in town who hate him-

that I'm not even a blip on his radar.

Excuse me?

Yes, Elaine?

Hannah, Gordon, can I talk to you two in private again?

Here we go. Adios, amigos.

Hey, you know what. Everybody knows everything.

Just tell us.

Mr. Griffin wants to meet with you and Hannah right away.

I'll cut you a check for the mattress.

Anything under a queen.

I didn't mean you.

- I'm usually on top. - Fine.

Clay?

Clay?

- Clay? - What?

Oh, man, you scared me.

I thought you were dead.

Even worse. I've been domesticated.

- I don't get it. - I'm buying a fucking house.

I'm supposed to sign the papers today.

- Wait, your first house? - Yeah, I'm trying to stay sober-

so I gotta move away from all the drunks-

and drug addicts in my building.

Ugh. What if I say something stupid and get canceled-

and can't afford to pay the mortgage?

And do I even wanna be that fucking guy with the yard and bushes?

Aw, shit.

Am I gonna be the old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn?

I used to do coke in bathroom stalls-

and now I'll have a powder room.

Dude, it's normal to be nervous when you buy your first house.

Imagine how scared I was. I was 14.

You bought a house at 14?

Yep. Then almost every time I made a movie,

I bought another one.

I have six now and I rent out five-

- through my Zack Attack Real Estate Holdings, LLC.

It's a sick deal.

Appreciation, passive income, tax advantages.

How do you know all this?

I starred in the movie Little Slum Lord.

The character was complex 'cause he was mean,

but he also adopted a puppy.

Trust me, Clay. Buying a house is lit.

If you want, I can go with you to Bed, Bath & Beyond-

and get all the stuff you need.

Zack, listen up.

If I ever go to Bed, Bath & Beyond,

bludgeon me to death with a pizza stone.

Hey, you okay?

I just found out in an interview-

that my ex-husband is having a baby.

- Oh, no. - I wanted kids, but he didn't-

- because he already had these gross, stupid teenagers-

from his first marriage.

I would have been such a good mom.

Yeah, maybe.

Unlike my mom, I would never tell my daughter-

- her eyes were too close together, even if they were.

I'd protect her self-esteem-

- and tell her she was getting her tonsils out-

and then secretly, I'd fix her.

Or maybe no kids.

Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with that.

So, how did you handle it on camera?

Like a pro.

I said I was happy for him-

because Reed and I were back together-

and we were maybe gonna have a baby, too.

- You and Reed are back together? - No.

Honey, he has a girlfriend and his interview's up next.

- I know. - Yeah, okay.

One of us should warn him.

- God, I'll do it. - Good.