The Hard Times of RJ Berger

That... Is that...?

Is that peanut oil and burnt hair?

It's perfume, lard ass.

I wear it on special occasions.

What's the special occasion?

Well, I was hoping someone would sack up

and ask me to the winter formal,

especially since I'm offering my date

100% guaranteed, no strings attached, porn-quality sex.

But I can't keep this offer open all day, RJ.

What are you? The shamwow guy?

Well, raven already asked me, and he's waiting for his answer.

Well, I won't keep you in suspense, Lily.

My answer... Look out!

You saved my life!

Calm down. Calm down.

Hey! What the hell, Roger?

Sorry, ass napkin.

School won't pay to fix the brakes on this yellow turd!

Come on, dude. You expect us to believe that?

For real, homes! Budget cuts!

God. You're crazy, man.

Hey! What the hell?

It's called walking to school, fatty!

My name is RJ Berger, and taking the bus sucks.

So plans for after?

Well, I'm not really sure what Max has planned

for after the dance, but I'm sure it'll be something romantic.

Bro, I'm gonna get her so drunk,

she's not gonna care where it ends up.

- Hello! - Yes!

God, all people can do is talk about this stupid formal.

I'm telling you, dude, school dances, they're just a conspiracy

created by the tuxedo rental industry.

That's why we're gonna blow it off.

We're gonna order a pizza

and play Beatles rock band till our fingers bleed.

It's gonna be epic. Epic.

Not as epic as the sex I'll be having after the winter formal.

What the hell did you just say?

You heard me, losers.

I'm gonna get some bite marks on my hang-low Saturday.

Kevin, assuming you're even capable of getting a boner

after sitting on your balls for ten years,

what girl in her right mind would point her heels to the sky

for your disgusting doorbell penis?

Say whatever you want, asshole,

but I've got raw data on my side.

What does that mean?

Fact.

43% of all high school girls

lose their virginity at school-sponsored dances.

You want to know the percentage of high school boys

that lose their virginity staying home playing rock band?

You two.

To each other.

I'm saying this as your friend, guys.

You should really look into killing yourselves.

What if he's right?

You know, Kevin stern.

Dude, we're not killing ourselves.

No, I know, but what if he's right about the winter formal?

Oh, I thought they were a conspiracy

started by the tuxedo rental industry.

Well, yeah, but if it's also a guaranteed lay, who cares?

Dude, what, so now you want to go?

Man, the thing is this Saturday.

We don't even have dates.

Laverne, Shirley, let's go.

Coach, what's the quickest way

to get dates to the winter formal?

I don't know. How much you willing to shell out?

For what?

Oh.

Oh, you mean for real dates.

Oh. Well, uh... You got your 99 slaps yet?

Our what?

Your 99... The drunk guy at the bar

asks 100 women to have sex with him, right?

Now, 99 of 'em gonna slap his drunk ass.

But there's always that one horny dime

that's gonna follow him into the men's room.

It's a numbers game.

All you got to do is ask enough girls.

You're bound to find one that'll say yes.

Right? Yeah.

Right. Now move your asses.

Time to climb some rope and get some calluses

on them girly hands.

Yeah.

- Really? Yeah? - Yes!

Oh, my God!

Me? Really? Of course!

Want to go to the prom this year?

I'd love to!

- Yes. - Yes.

Yes.

Remember, RJ, worst thing they can do is say no.

Let's be honest.

You didn't get that tongue pierced for nothing, right?

Most guys wouldn't be caught dead with a deaf girl!

But, hey, I'm not most guys!

Hey, you know what my favorite color is? Rainbow.

Ever thought about pitching a no-hitter for the other team?

Okay, so apparently there are worse things

they can do than say no.

How'd it go for you?

Not so hot.

Yeah, you know, it's like that scene

in Madea goes to jail when Madea's all,

"Ooh, girl, you need get yourself a date to the dance!"

I was... That's sort of what I wanted to ask you.

We may have to go plan B, dude.

Who do you want to try first,

eighth graders or pregnant juniors?

Neither. Dude, I've been thinking...

I know. Beatles rock band's starting to sound pretty good.

No. Look, my dating life up until now

has been a complete disaster, and if I'm not careful,

my virginity will take on, like, a life of its own,

and then I'll never lose it.

So instead of making this hard on myself,

you know, I was thinking about maybe going with the one girl

who's been lusting after my dong the whole time.

Oh, God.

Don't even say it.

Miles, I know we make fun of her, but she's been our best friend

since as long as I can remember.

I mean, in some ways, she's already the first girl

ever slept with in preschool we were nap partners.

- Max. - Tommy.

In grade school,

whenever I wouldn't get picked for teams at recess,

which was pretty much every day,

Lily was always there to play with me.

Things only started to get weird when we hit puberty.

RJ and Lily sitting in a tree.

Oh!

But the fact is, when the chips are down,

you two are the only real friends I can count on.

I'm begging you, dude, don't do it!

You deserve better, bro.

I'm looking out for you!

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

I was wondering maybe you... RJ Berger, you've just made me

the happiest girl in the world!

I still can't believe you asked mini Chewbacca

to the winter formal!

Dude, you're not gonna make me change my mind.

In fact, I'm starting to think it's destiny.

According to Lily,

she's the only one who can handle my freak piece, anyway.

All I'm saying is, good luck getting through

that overgrown crotch jungle.

Hey, you might need to hire a sherpa to help guide you in.

You know, screw you, Miles.

At least I have a date.

You know, while I'm off becoming a man, you'll be at home,

playing good day sunshine on expert, alone.

Oh, not so fast, my suddenly prickish friend.

See, I'm not done asking girls out.

I've gotten my 99 slaps,

and I'm going big-game hunting for number 100.

- Uh-huh. And, uh, who's the lucky girl?

For me, RJ, I'm going for the long shot of all long shots.

Robin Pretnar, I come to you today wearing blue,

the color of my heart and my balls.

But you can change all that

by agreeing to take this relationship to the next level.

Look, we've had our first kiss.

We've had our first fight.

You know, I've touched boob, and you've grazed nut.

So what do you say, Robin Pretnar?

Will you go with me to the winter formal?

What the hell?

I'm tired of attractive guys who wouldn't flatten me during sex.

Pick me up at my house Saturday.