Adventures in Public School

I like to think about the beginning of the universe a lot.

A lot, a lot.

About how there's ten trillion galaxies,

more stars than grains of sand on the Earth,

how it's been around for 13.82 billion years, give or take.

So why does this stupid little moment feel so big?

It's so small.

My first day at public school.

That's my mom holding my hand.

Are you sure we should be holding hands?

- Yeah, yeah, obviously. - Don't be nervous.

Let's go in. I'm freezing my tits off out here.

Okay.

Big freaking exam day.

I don't know this yet,

but walking through those doors is gonna change my life forever,

like some supernova explosion of love.

Wait. Oh, that's a really pretty image.

Rewind.

Let's go to the beginning of me.

Hey, Liam. Hey. Liam?

Okay, what are your obstacles for tomorrow's exam? Go.

Uh, sometimes I get lazy with my handwriting and my Y's look like J's.

- Yes. - I can do better. I can do better.

Mom, uh... And I get nervous sweats.

Go to Cambridge, study with Stephen Hawking,

become the second-most famous astronomer of all time.

Honey, I think you can become most famous.

I mean, it's Stephen Hawking, come on.

Hot hint for today's practice exam,

it's just a practice.

But tomorrow, not too much water pre-exam.

- Why not? - Too many bathroom breaks.

- Right. - Okay.

Batter up. Ready?

I'm already a little bit excited.

- Yeah. - Yeah, look, I'm sweating.

- Really? - Looks like excite sweat.

- That's fun. - You wanna feel it?

Yeah.

Ew! Okay.

All right. Ready?

You may begin... now.

Oh, nuts!

- Can I sharpen my pencil? - Yes.

We should get you a good mechanical pencil.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

- Let's celebrate! - Okay.

Wiggles] - I am.

What do you mean?

-L'm celebrating. - When?

- Right now. - Now?

- Right now. - You're celebrating right now?

Yep.

Well, we can really celebrate at prom tomorrow night.

Are you excited? We can really cut loose.

Yeah, I was thinking of maybe just doing some silent reading.

Liam!

When you graduate, you have to have a prom.

It's a rite of passage.

Who did you invite?

YOU?

Well, of course I'm gonna be there, sweetie.

- My best friend. - You know what?

I love you infinity.

Go outside and play, kiddo.

Okay.

Okay, now remember, always put down an answer

even if you don't know the answer.

And start with the easiest questions first,

and then move on to the hardest questions,

because that way you'll leave yourself more time

for the things you don't know

and you won't stress out

about the things that you do know,

because you'll be freaking out about

some of the harder questions.

Liam?

Wow, there are so many students!

Honey, focus.

- Focus, okay? - Yeah.

Ugh! I had to go to this school.

I had to go to this school for stupid people, but you don't.

You're going to Cambridge, because you are special

and you're perfect, all right?

Remember that.

Now we put you in layers,

because if it gets cold, you can put 'em back on.

When you get hot, you can take 'em off.

Okay, and don't, like, look all, like, up in the sky

back and forth like Stevie Wonder

if you don't know the answer,

because they will nail your butt for cheating.

They will. Okay?

Now, when you pass this test,

you are a high school graduate.

Okay, go! Go get 'em!

What? Oh!

Hi, Autumn.

Hi, Liam.

Meet Autumn.

She runs a not-for-profit

that protests cruelty to snails.

All this training for you, my dear.

And you can begin...

now.

Only losers get 97 fricking percent.

I've been here all morning.

Autumn insisted that we come early.

Gross.

You know, Autumn's been requesting

we do a unit on Bolivian weaving.

- Hmm. - She can't get enough of it. Get this.

She made a traditional Bolivian flat-knot for me.

I've been using it as a phone case.

Liam is obsessed with black holes.

- I love it when you do that. - Thank you.

Do you want me to talk dirty?

Yes.

Looks like we're gonna need a new trophy case, huh?

These aren't trophies.

They're just awards for participation.

We have a very high rate of participation.

It's Dumbo. Participation's mandatory, not award-worthy.

Well, at this school, it's award-worthy, you know.

I'm the principal.

- Okay. - That's nice.

Normally that impresses people.

My name's on this one.

It's a participation award for the debate club.

Oh, yeah. There you go. Yeah. Hey, congrats.

Thanks. I got pregnant on that field trip.

That's quite a bit of participation.

I have a son. I home-school him.

Home-school kids.

- Normally that impresses people. - Yeah.

Well, hey, next time you're here,

we'll setup an appointment and we'll talk curriculum. Yeah?

Okay, great. We'll probably never be here again, though.

- Okay. - Ugh!

That was the closest I've been to sex in a while.

Me, too.

You know, the kids here are getting way more than me,

like circle-jerk parties at 13!

Yeah. That's why I'm going with Liam to Cambridge,

to protect him from getting derailed.

Autumn's not getting derailed without me.

No one's having sex with those kids but us.

Around.

- Yes. - Or nearby at least.

'Etimer b e8 was! ps1

Fifty-three minutes left.

Good Job, Liam. Pat on the back.

What? All done?

It's impossible.

Apparently it is not.

Uh, you should know that someone wrote on the desk

with permanent marker, "You're a dirty cocksucker."

I'm not a dirty cocksucker.

It wasn't me.

The light from the Quanta 6 supernova

is probably hitting Earth right now.

Wow! Crazy!

Can I get my test back?

- Yeah, what's your name? -lt's Liam Heap.

It's right there. It's the only one there.

Right.

You're the kid that called me "the dirty cocksucker."

That wasn't me. Somebody wrote it on the desk.

You kids start these nasty rumors

about me and Tony, the Phys. Ed. teacher,

because you see me and Tony hanging at lunch, shooting hoops?

Well, all right, yeah.

I had been with a man, and it was Tony.

But I'm... I'm not a dirty cocksucker.

Can I just have my test back, please?

Okay.

You double-aced it, right? I mean, you did, right?

You did. I can tell.

Ooh! It's written all over your superb little face.

I almost think we should get ice cream.

Almost.

You know what else I was thinking?

I was thinking today...

um, I'm gonna go to Cambridge with you.

I mean, why not?

You're gonna be there all by yourself. Right?

Right?

Oh, well, it's locked and zippered.

Well, let's just...

Oh, wait. Hold on one second.

I have the key!

So I will...

Oh, wow! It is not budging the vault.

I see.

It's the wrong key, Mom.

Cambridge. Oh, God! University life.

Hey, you got any hotties coming in?

No, I don't have any girlfriends here.

Hey, what's that?