Intelligence

Joseph, what's the latest on IS?

Do we have any matches?

Yeah, kind of. I'm having

a little bit of trouble trying to get our software

to distinguish between times when someone has referred

to IS, as in the Islamic State,

which is what I presume we need to keep a record of,

versus times when they'd simply used the word "is."

You've spent the best part of a week

looking into all nationwide communication

containing the word "is"?

Yeah. I mean, you'd be surprised

how much it comes up.

Jerry, have you been able to get

a cybertrace on where the Russians

might be operating from?

Uh, well, first of all,

good morning, Chris,

uh, and no,

my only guess is that

somehow they're able to operate

even when their main server is asleep.

- I'm a bit like that. - By the way,

has the NSA reached out

to see how I'm getting on with all of this?

Yes, of course. If word gets out

that a weapon designed by the NSA

is now in the hands of terrorists,

it's gonna be the biggest humiliation since Snowden.

Yeah, I was asking more about, like,

did they reach out to say hi, or... but what you said

was also super important.

Right. No.

Also, just so that you know.

as part of GCHQ's commitment

to tackling sexual harassment and discrimination

in the workplace, SciSec has been assigned

Hilary Bowden, who will be leading

some workshops during the day.

Is she GCHQ?

No, but she comes recommended

by Rupert and Downing Street and she's also

worked closely with Prince Andrew.

Not too closely, I hope.

And one final thing.

One final thing. I'm delighted to announce

that SciSec's new fire marshal will be Evelyn.

- Uhh! Was it close? - No.

- What do you mean? - Well done.

Wait a minute. You didn't even apply for the role?

- Well, no. - Does HR know?

It's fine. It's just something to keep her active

and get her out of my office.

Chris, you can't just give that role

to your own daughter.

- Why not? - Well, isn't that...

what's it called when you favor a relative?

Incest?

If you're accusing me of nepotism

within GCHQ, it's probably my grandmother

you need to speak to first.

Right. Where is she at?

Cheltenham Cemetery. 12 across, 4 down.

Oh, it's lovely around there.

- It's bullshit. - If only it wasn't so obvious that

Evelyn has got the role purely on merit.

Sorry, got what on merit?

Any update from the Russians on how

your mum's getting on there?

Oh, they won't let me speak to her.

She's very strong-willed.

She once ate a glass vase.

Come along. Let's get this over with.

Yep.

Uh, yeah, hi.

I just wanted to make sure you received

my, uh, my donation to the Women's

Progressive Liberal Library Fund.

Yes, $10,000. Great. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. How can I help you?

Hilary Bowden. I'll be leading

the harassment and discrimination sessions today.

Oh, right, right.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Well, are you a breath of fresh air.

Oh, really? Why?

Oh, just that you're a very...

um... um... red. You're very red.

Heh.

Were you about to say I was attractive?

Maybe. Would that have been OK?

Of course. Why not?

Well, it's just that, you know,

men like me are often... ah, never mind.

No, go on.

No, it's just that, you know,

being a good-looking straight white male these days

is kind of like having a target on your back, you know?

Anyway, um, if you need anything at all

while... while you're here, you just,

you know, give me a nudge.

I'm a big fan of your... of your harassment...

of... anti-harass... and... your work,

and... and discrimination.

Very important.

Well, then. Shall we?

- No, please. - No, please.

OK.

Oh! Hello.

After you.

How do you feel about sharing the fire marshal position?

- There's only one tabard. - Yeah, I know,

but I can always give it a rinse in between.

Aren't you already health and safety officer?

Oh, yeah, I know, but ever since Elaine

walked into that sheet of glass,

there's been nothing to do.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Start a fire?

That's not really necessary.

Good morning, everyone.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

As you know, my name is Hilary Bowden.

I'm an ambassador for CBT in the workplace.

I have experience with animals.

And I am co-creator of the biodegradable coil.

We are stretched for time, so,

just to get the ball rolling,

I'd like to start with a general chat

about our own personal experiences of harassment.

Would anyone like to go first?

Well...

- oh, no. - No.

- You sure? - Yeah. you go.

So, I often get teased quite a lot

because of my height. I don't know if

that counts as harassment per se.

I see. And from a psychological

point of view, does that get you down?

Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground,

if that's what... is that what you meant?

But do you ever find it restricting?

Oh, no. No, not... I mean,

within reason, I can fit into any size space, so.

- Like a squid. - Or a gas.

And Jerry, as the alpha of the pack,

have you always been this tall?

Yeah, since birth. I'm... I'm tall everywhere.

And are you now at your maximum height, do you think?

Actually, I can feel myself growing right now.

Lovely. OK. So, I would like to try a little bit of role play.

Mary and Joseph.

Come help me at the front here.

Um, Jerry, could you please,

chair for me, please.

Oh!

OK, so, I want you to imagine

that Mary has been bullying Joseph

- for his height, say, and... - Why?

Well, actually, that's a good point.

In theory, why else might we want to make fun of Joseph?

I don't know the best way to say this.

The color of his skin?

- Yes, thank you. - His intellect.

- Size of his nose. - The way he dresses.

I think that's probably enough.

His one brow?

Jerry, I think that...

Yes, that's a good amount of variables.

And which one of these are you

most comfortable talking about, Mary?

Oh. Probably, um... uh...

the color of his skin?

Yes. I agree. At least in theory,

that's certainly the most obvious.

I don't know. That nose is pretty big.

Jerry.

So, I want you to imagine

that you've had a run-in with Joseph

and you've ended up saying something racist.

Do you want me to actually say the word out loud?

Well, do you have a particular word in mind?

A few, yes.

Oh, but only because Mum used to talk in her sleep.

- Right. - Just for my write-up,

Christine, what proportion of the office is black?

Sorry. I believe the correct term is African-American.

I think quite a lot of the furniture is black.

Sorry. African-American.

Of course, we have very few, if any,

African-Americans working here.

What? How do you get away with that?

OK. I think that's enough.

- Yeah. - Now we can all relax.

How did that make you feel, Joseph?

Uh... I guess it made me feel a bit more white.

Hilary, given that I hang out with Joseph so much,

does that mean I can never be accused of being a racist?

OK, well, let's break that down, shall we?

Does your friendship with Joseph