Rodney

Well, that's me.

I'm Rodney, and this is my story.

10 years ago, I didn't have to worry about anything but me.

I was working hard on my education.

And at night, I was pursuing my dream of being a comedian-

- by telling jokes in bars where you were paid in free beer...

...if you could catch it.

Over time, I developed kind of a following,

and her name was Trina.

She got pregnant... twice.

Being married was the best thing that ever happened to me,

but it meant I had to give up my dream-

- and take a lousy job with a steady paycheck.

Or maybe it was a steady job with a lousy paycheck.

But we all make sacrifices for the ones we love.

Well, yesterday, my story took a little turn.

I quit my job,

- and I had a one-night stand with my old dream.

Now, my wife doesn't know anything about this yet,

- but I figure what she doesn't know can't hurt me.

Jack! Bo! Come on! I got to get to work!

Hey, honey.

Morning.

You were out late last night.

I was playing darts with Barry.

You can call and ask him.

Oh, no, I trust you.

Not like this couple I just saw on "good morning America."

Yeah?

The husband quit his job and didn't tell his wife-

and thought she wouldn't find out.

Can you believe that?

Why'd you quit a perfectly good job at the Fiberglas plant?

I didn't.

I quit a big, crappy job at the fiberglass plant.

Trina...

...Dwayne was gonna put me on graveyard.

I'd never see you or the boys awake.

I can't live like that.

Well, how are we gonna live like this?

We're on one salary now.

I'll find a job by next week.

I'll find other ways to make money till then.

You did your act at the goose last night, didn't you?

Damn it, Trina, is there anything that you don't know?

Yes, I don't know how we're gonna eat,

I don't know how we're gonna pay rent,

- and I don't know when you're gonna see me naked again.

Well, you know, I was kind of hoping this afternoon.

I'm free.

Rodney, don't get sucked back into that life, okay?

Trina, what's wrong with being a comedian?

That's what I was doing when we met.

Peeing on a campfire is what you were doing when we met.

Trina, that fire was out of hand,

and people's lives were in danger.

Rodney, you didn't make any money.

You told the same old jokes every night.

It was just a big excuse to party.

Well, I don't act like that anymore, Trina.

We're married now. The party's over.

- Did too. - Did not.

- Did too. - Did not.

Boys, knock off the fighting.

Are you ready for your test today, Bo?

Rodney, quiz Bo on his spelling.

Okay.

Bo... let's see.

It says here, "spell each word and use it in a sentence."

Spell "ant."

A-n-t.

That's good. Now use it in a sentence.

Mom told aunt charlie you got fired,

and now we're gonna starve.

We're not gonna starve. We'll be fine...

...fine and slender.

What are those?

Well, I do not know. Let's see.

"I know it's not until Saturday, honey,

but happy birthday, love, me."

Rodney. They are beautiful.

I can't believe

you actually remembered to send me birthday flowers...

...for once.

I know I didn't send them.

I've been with Trina for 10 years.

I never can remember when her birthday is.

I swear she changes it on me every year.

I can't prove it, but I think last year she had two of 'em.

So, what are you gonna do for her birthday, then?

I've been telling Trina for years-

- I'd take her to Hawaii when she turned 30.

Now I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Tell her you'll take her twice when she turns 60.

Hmm.

You're up, dad.

Thanks, buddy.

Well, now, Rodney, I bet you're gonna miss that putt.

No, Barry, I promised Trina

I'd stop gambling in front of the boys.

Well, I'll tell you what,

- I'll just put up everything I got in my wallet,

- and you can put up everything you got in your purse.

Loser eats a pickled pig's foot.

Where you gonna get one of those?

WAL-mart. I love that place.

That is a man's shopping center right there, by god.

They got everything you need,

- they don't care how you look when you go in.

I bet you could walk through that place butt-naked,

nobody would say a word to you.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. You are nuts.

Naked at WAL-mart. You in? Huh?

Oh, hell, yeah, I'm in. You know that.

I just... I hate these naked bets.

Um, uh... d-d-do... do you need a buggy?

No, sir. I don't believe I do.

Son, did you know you was naked?

Yes, sir, I did.

Well, uh, okay, then.

You have a good one.

Thanks. Kind of you to notice.

Ladies.

Open the door!

What?

Open the door! Open the door!

Boys, let this be a lesson to you.

This is why you should never, ever gamble.

No, you mean this is why we should never, ever lose.

I can't believe you actually bought stuff in there.

Just odds and ends.

Hey, are those caramels?

Hey! Unh-unh-unh. I'll hand you them.

What?

Uh, reverend STEMPLE.

I'm not falling for that.

Reverend STEMPLE.

Boys, boys, knock it off.

You know, every time you fight, a puppy dies.

Rodney!

Not a cute one.

How did the job search go?

Great.

I'm all but hired over at the hospital.

I just need a stethoscope, medical degree,

and I can start in the morning.

I'm sorry, honey.

How come you smell like cheap aftershave?

Daddy's in the kitchen.

Oh, god, Trina. Is he alive?

Rodney, I wish you wouldn't talk like that.

Daddy loves you.

He loves trying to make me feel like a big loser.

That's what he loves.

Hey, how you doing, you big loser?

How you doing, Carl?

How you doing?

I love this part.

How's the used-car business?

Real good. Best quarter I've had in five years.

Of course, I understand you got yourself-

in a bit of a financial pickle.

You gotta be getting used to that by now.

Daddy, be nice. We're fine.

No, you're not.

And tomorrow's your birthday.

Now, I love both my little girls-

just as much as the air I breathe.

Of course, charlie still gives me fits-

- with some of these yokels she shacks up with.

Hell, you think you're a loser!

Anyway, as a gift to my baby girl-

on her 30th birthday...

...when she oughta be heading to Hawaii,

- but I guess that dream's in the crapper now...

I've decided to give her Rodney... a job!

Oh, daddy, that's so nice.

Carl, those are words I've been longing to hear you say.

That and "oh, my god, my left arm feels all tingly."

It's a job, Rodney. It pays money.

A used-car salesman, Trina? Are you crazy?

I'm gonna have a hard enough time-

getting into heaven as it is.

It could be a career.

I mean, daddy's had buddy Chalmers working for him for 13 years.

Yeah, and on a bar bet,

buddy Chalmers would suck his own boob.

I don't want to spend 13 years in a job I hate.

It's the same thing down at the plant.

I didn't want to work the graveyard shift,

not even with a promotion to foreman.

What?

Foreman? You mean you didn't just quit?

You quit 'cause they were gonna promote you to foreman?!

Well, see... it makes you mad, too.

Damn it, Rodney. You always do this.

Every time you get close to something good, you sabotage it.

You don't want to do anything-

- that would keep you from messing with your comedy.