Seinfeld

If you have a close friend and they get involved...

with someone in a relationship, it affects your friendship, doesn't it?

Because you're like a comedy team, and now there's this third person.

It kind of throws off the timing: "Who's on first?"

"l don't know.

Dear, who do you think is on first?"

Whenever a friend starts with a new girlfriend, he should just say:

"l look like the person you used to know...

but I've been modified to survive in this relationship.

In other words, if we're having an argument and she's there...

I may say, 'l totally disagree with you.'

But what that means is:

'I'd like to help you out, but I'd rather continue to see her naked.'"

Okay, cowboys, what will you have?

I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.

And I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.

George, don't make me get tough with you.

Why? You think you can beat me up?

You wouldn't want me to mess up that beautiful face of yours.

Stop it. Stop it.

You don't want bacon. I'll surprise you.

- Is she not terrific? - She does have a way.

You think she thinks I have a beautiful face?

Well, they do work on tips.

"George, don't make me get tough with you."

Who says that? She is really cool.

What do you think? You think she likes me?

I should've got the egg-white omelet.

Why should she like me? Who am l? There's a million people to like.

The omelet. Damn.

Maybe she could like me. Is it that far-fetched?

Maybe she sees something. Is it possible?

- No. Not possible. - No. Not possible.

- Hey. - Hey, Laney.

- How was the trip? - What trip? You were gone?

I went to England.

With Mr. Pitt, for five days?

- How was it? - Actually, it was great.

I met an Englishman, and we really hit it off.

Well, that relationship has obviously got a lot of potential.

Yeah, well, Jerome...

I happen to be flying him in on my frequent-flier miles.

Flying him in? How long is he staying for?

It's an open-ended ticket. He can return anytime he wants.

All this in five days.

Oh, no. It's Kenny Bania.

- Who's he? - He's this awful comedian.

- Hey, Jerry. - Hey, Kenny.

- Elaine, George. - Hi.

- How's it going? - Great. I've been working out.

Went from a size 40 to a 42.

- No kidding? - Yeah. I'm huge.

- Well, I'll leave you guys alone. - Okay, thanks.

Oh, Jerry, you know what just hit me? I was thinking...

- What size suit are you? - I'm a 40. Why?

I just got a brand-new Armani suit, doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?

Well, I don't know if...

Oh, come on. Why should it sit in a closet?

- An Armani suit? - Take the suit.

Well, okay, I guess.

- You gonna be home later? - Yeah.

I'll drop it off.

- Hey, new suit! - Yeah, yeah. Lucky me.

Here, I personally made you a cold chicken sandwich.

It's not even on the menu.

Oh, this is fabulous.

Boy, she is nice.

I like her. I like her, Jerry. She's got substance.

She oozes substance.

Well, go in there and talk to her.

She's not gonna put them on the glass.

You mean the walk back in?

That's the toughest move in the business.

You're sending me into no man's land...

and if I get shot down, I have to crawl back.

Well, I can't do it, I tell you!

Pull yourself together. You're going in there, soldier.

That's an order!

Get in there.

- Hey. - Hey.

Listen, I need you to do me a favor.

- What? - Help me move my refrigerator.

- Why? - Because I'm getting rid of it.

- Yeah? - It's K.B. I have the suit.

All right, come on up.

- So.... - Why get rid of your refrigerator?

After that kidney stone, I only want fresh food.

It's gotta be fresh. I'm not eating any more stored food.

Plus, you know, I want the space.

- What for? - Well, I could put a dresser in there.

I could get dressed while I'm making breakfast.

Hey!

- Here you go. - Yeah.

Didn't think I was really gonna give you a suit, did you?

- You're giving him this suit? - That's right. And it's Armani.

Armani?

- Hey, Armani, Jerry. - Yes, yes, I heard.

- Come on, try it on. - No, it's okay.

- Come on. I want to see how it fits. - All right.

- There you go. - There, okay?

Oh, boy. Look at that. That looks great.

- I can't believe you're giving him this. - And I don't even want anything for it.

- He's very generous, isn't he? - Yes. Yes, he is.

I'll tell you what, you can take me out to dinner sometime.

- Dinner? - Yeah, you buy me a meal.

- Can't get a better deal than that. - You'll never get a better deal.

- All right, I'll leave you alone. - Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. Armani. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal.

I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit.

- I did it. It's all done. - Hey.

I did it. We're going out as soon as she gets off work.

And it'll still be daytime.

I'm better in the daytime than at night. It's less pressure.

I love the day date.

- No wine, no shower. - There you go.

- So the trip was good? - Yes.

Apart from that dreadful airline food.

Wreaked absolute havoc with my stomach.

You know, I have to say, I've never admitted this to anyone...

but I kind of like airline food.

That's probably because of....

What?

- What? - Yeah, what?

What?

Where I come from, we don't say "what."

It's proper to say "pardon."

Oh, this should be interesting.

- Pardon? - Nothing.

So then, about a year ago, I started selling these funky little hair clips.

It's going pretty good. I make them in my apartment.

I'm just waitressing because I wanted to go to Europe this summer...

and I could use a few extra... Careful.

Oh, it's just horse manure. Horse manure's not that bad.

I don't even mind the word "manure."

You know, it's "nure," which is good...

and a "ma" in front of it. Manure.

When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.

- That's a nice watch, George. - Yeah.

You know, my boyfriend has the same one.

- Really? - Yeah, he loves watches.

- He's a real watch freak. - Well, how about that?

- Oh, look out. You stepped right in it. - Yes. I sure did.

So you just pretended it didn't bother you?

What is that? Boyfriend? I don't understand that.

What does she think I asked her out for?

It's the way they just slip it in there too.

Yeah, like it's all just part of the conversation.

"My boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak."

Well, that's fabulous.

Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?

I said, "Would you like to go for a walk or something?"

- Oh, a walk? Well.... - Or something. I said "or something."

Or something?

- Yeah, that's a date. - There you go.

Of course, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.

- What do you mean? - She got to the line of scrimmage...

didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.

I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.

I mentioned how I liked horse manure.

- You did? - Yeah.

- You said you liked horse manure? - Yeah.

You know, about how, when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing.

You know, you have a "nure" with a "ma" in front of it.

Manure. It's not bad.

And it was around this point she mentioned the boyfriend?

Yeah.

Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure?

I was just saying how it takes a negative thing...

and puts a positive spin on it.

I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored...

with your thoughts and feelings on manure.

So you don't think she really has a boyfriend.

My honest opinion? I think she made it up.

Well, then she's just a liar, isn't she?

Hey.

You want something to eat, don't you?

Oh, no, no, no. You got me all wrong, buddy.

I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered?

I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.

- Well, what do you eat? - It's all fresh.

Fresh fish, fresh fowl, fresh fruit. I buy it. I eat it.

- Well, I'm glad it's working out. - Oh, yeah. It's working out.

And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggie's.

Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you, she's a full-figured gal.

- Is she? - Oh, you better believe it, buddy.

- George, we could double sometime. - Yeah, yeah, we could.

You know, Kramer, the next time you talk to her...

find out if she knows Kelly from Monk's.

I want to know if she really has a boyfriend.

All right, let's get over here.

- Hello. - Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.

- Oh, hi. - I was thinking, if you're not busy...

maybe I can get my meal today?

Yeah, you want to get that meal, don't you?

How about Mendy's. Ever been there?

- No, I haven't. - You're gonna love it.

- I'll meet you there around 7. - All right.

Yeah, I really needed that suit.