Please Like Me

# Chitty bang bang Chitty bang bang

# Chitty bang bang Chitty bang bang

# Chitty bang bang, yeah

# Chitty bang bang Chitty bang bang... #

Tom... What?

Just feel it, please. I've already touched it.

Well, what do you think it is? I don't know.

Do you think it's cancer? I doubt it.

But I don't want to say it's not, just in case it is.

Josh, can you feel it, please? No, I just could never.

I don't really want him to touch it either.

I think I just saw Geoffrey.

You always think you're seeing Geoffrey, but you're not.

Guys, I could be dying! Oh, you wish.

You're not dying! Josh, feel it!

He doesn't know what breasts are meant to feel like.

Absolutely never. It's Josh and Tom.

It was Geoffrey! Hey.

Hi.

# One, two One, two, three, four

# Ooh

# Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah # Ooh

# Ooh # OK, yeah

# Ooh, ooh # Oh, the good Lord knows it

# Ooh, ooh-ooh # Oh, the good Lord knows it

# Ooh # I left better behind

# I'll be # Fine

# Yeah, yeah

# Make my mamma turn another blind eye

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# I left better behind I'll be fine. #

Do you want me to choke you or something?

Yeah. Oh, OK.

Is that right? Just shut up.

It's just...it's just I'm worried I'm hurting you.

But, no, that's the point. OK.

What are you reading about in the newspaper?

The Middle East.

Don't you think instead it'd be fun to, like, just be cute with me?

Just let me finish.

It's just, um...it's just

I really feel like I need some attention from you right now.

Josh, I'm busy. OK.

I'll just entertain myself.

# Boo-boo bop-bop be-doo-bop be-doodle

# Be-do-dah bup-bup be-do-dah

# Potato, po-taht-a, do-dah, po-taht-a

# Ba-do-ba ba-de-ba-di-ba ba-da-ba boo-bah

# Be-dooby-dooby-doo ba-ba-da ba-roo

# Be-dooby-doo ba-ba-da ba-roo

# Be-dooby-doo ba-ba-da ba-ba

# Be-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby do-ba ba-ba

# Be-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby do-ba-ba

# Be-da-ba be-do-ba... # Ah! Ah!

# Be-dooby-do-da... # Ah!

Sorry. No, I'm sorry.

Is this distracting you from pretending that it's the olden days

and that you're a grandparent

and that you're, like, wearing a monocle and eating jellied eel?

Because nobody reads the newspaper anymore, OK,

because we have the internet now.

And also, this newspaper is all biased and stupid and...

# Ba-da-da bup-bow! #

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey? Geoffrey, I asked you a question.

What do you want? I just want you to hold me.

I always just assumed this is how tired everyone was.

But now I think maybe it's just because I'm sick.

You don't have cancer! Oh, my God!

Desperate for me not to have cancer.

What? Yeah. I am desperate for you not to have cancer.

You're gonna break up with me because I have cancer.

It is so mean of you to think that I would do that.

I'm too tired to argue, Tom. Fine.

But you're not tired from cancer.

You don't know that.

Hannah. Oh.

Whoa!

That table came out of nowhere, didn't it?

It really wasn't looking where it was goin'.

That's fine. Thanks.

You look lovely. Very expensive.

I've got tenure. Oh.

You look really good. Thank you.

I've, er, got posture.

You've been on my mind a lot lately, Hannah.

I can't believe you wrote a letter to my mum.

She wasn't that fond of you.

Well, it was the only way I could find you.

You're not on social media. You almost don't exist.

I know.

Um, are you sick?

No. No, I don't think so.

So not sick. Have you joined AA?

Are you trying to think of all the negative reasons

why I might get back in contact with you?

Yeah. Well, we didn't end well.

Yeah. It was brutal.

It was the prequel to Fury Road

where we find out how Charlize Theron lost her arm.

You were Charlize Theron's arm to me, Hannah.

The bit that was left or the mechanical claw bit?

See? You still make me laugh.

I live in a caravan. I don't have a job.

I still hate myself so much I want to hit myself with a hammer.

But I can do three push-ups.

That's great.

I missed you, John.

He has this new-found sense of independence.

Sometimes he sits in rooms alone without me.

And I'm just...I'm shattered. He really snuggled me last night.

I think he remembers me.

Nah, he just does that when he's cold.

Sorry. No, yeah, yeah.

No, definitely, he misses you. He loves you. Yeah, definitely.

He's being...he's being extraordinarily sweet.

Yeah.

He definitely doesn't look at the other boys like that.

Whoa.

Ella?

Hi.

Oop! (CHUCKLES)

Come on through.

Ta-da!

Solar hot-water system.

You shower out here? No, I shower at the gym.

That is a hose. OK.

Look, I put up fairy lights.

I'm sure they're pretty in the dark.

Yeah, I really feel like I'm finally catching up with the Kardashians.

That's one fine caravan.

Would you like to see inside the palace?

Sure. Let's do this.

Ladies first.

I'm a lady.

Mmm, no, no, no, no. Not every time.

But I've been googling how.

You're really not very good at being dominant, are you?

OK. Take that back, you sissy!

You can't fight me. Obviously you're stronger than me.

Oh, yeah. Pretend.

Never had a doctor the same age as me before.

Just lift your arm for me.

Thank you.

Are you alright? Yeah, sorry. It's fine.

You alright? Yeah, I'm good.

OK. I'm good.

It's all good. All good here.

Oi.

I forgot. I don't have any gas.

I can't offer you tea. I've got water or milk.

I've got milk. Look, in tiny buckets.

Good.

You know, when you said that you were living in a caravan,

you know...I kind of thought you were joking.

Well, it's both true and a joke, isn't it?

It's like...this is a joke. My life is a joke.

No, it's not. (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

Methinks you might want to make your exit now.

No, I don't want to leave, actually, as it happens.

Yeah, you do. Remember, old habits?

You like to leave me. Hannah, you're overthinking this.

Well, how much is enough think?

You know, I don't want to underthink.

You've given it adequate think.

Come here. Over there, to you?

I want to kiss you. Gosh.

What the hell are you doing?

Like, look at you. You're winning at life.

Look at me - I'm not just losing,

I'm not even playing anymore.

You being here doesn't make any sense.

No, you being here doesn't make any sense, Hannah.

When we met, you were the winner.

I wouldn't be winning...

..this winnerly, if it wasn't for you.

What good is being the winner if...

Chicken dinner. What?

Yeah, no idea. I regret saying that.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Was it OK? What did he say? Was it bad news?

It's just fibroadenoma. Is that good?

Yeah, it's just, like, fibrous tissue.

It just means that I'm probably getting my period.

It's not cancer? Not cancer.

Fibroadenoma. High five! OK!

He was so young for a doctor.

Did you like it when he touched your boobies?

No, Tom. I was too worried about my cancer.

Wasn't just young, though, was he?

He was, like, a full babe. Like a model but educated.

I wish he'd touched my boobies.

He was a dream. Mmm. I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Everyone knows.

Nothing's ever been more clear than that guy's dreaminess.

What? What?

You're just looking at me like I'm in love with him.

Whoa! Whoa.

Absolutely at no point