I Love Lucy

Westinghouse, first with the future...

presents The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show,

with special guest star Milton Berle,

and, of course, Vivian Vance, William Frawley and Little Ricky.

Costarring Larry Keating.

Hello. Is this Milton Berle's office?

I'd like to speak to Mr. Berle, please.

This is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, well,

even if he is busy working on his new book,

I know that Mr. Berle will speak to me.

Yes, just tell him it's Ricky Ricardo's wife.

I'm sure he's heard of my husband.

Well!

My husband will be very upset!

Goodbye!

- Lucy! -

Good morning.

What were you doing using my name to try to get to Milton Berle?

I wasn't using your name.

I was using my name, Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

- That's my name! - Oh.

Well, you sure are grouchy this morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

Well, anyway, it didn't work.

- Maybe you ought to change your name. - Lucy!

Clark Gable. There's a nice name.

Never mind that.

Now, I want to know why you were trying to get Milton Berle.

- What do you want with him anyway? - Well, I... I-I-I wanted to ask him

if he would emcee our Western show for our PTA benefit.

Why does it have to be you the one who has to get somebody?

Because I'm the new chairman of the entertainment committee.

Since when?

Since I promised them I could get Milton Berle.

Look,

I don't care what you promised,

but I don't want you using my name to get anybody for any benefit.

- Well... - Do you understand?

- Yes, sir. - All right.

I gotta go to work.

Work?

At this hour in the morning?

We're doing a new show,

- so this week I'm gonna be working days. - Oh.

- - Lucy!

- Yeah? - Oh, hi.

- Hi. - What happened with Milton Berle?

- Did you get him? Did you get him? - No.

The secretary wouldn't even put me through to him.

Said he was working on his new book.

Oh, dear.

- Goodbye. - So long, Seymour.

Huh?

You told me you didn't want me to use your name.

Why doesn't Seymour want you to use his name?

He heard me use it on the phone

when I was trying to get through to Milton Berle.

He says it's an imposition.

Well, if you get stuck, Fred can always double as emcee.

Ethel, emcee means master of ceremonies,

not Mr. Cornball.

I guess you're right.

Well, so long.

- Where are you going? - Home.

I just came over to borrow Milton Berle's book,

but if you can't get him for the show, I won't have to read it.

The book!

Hey, Ethel, you've just given me an idea.

I'll go see Milton Berle.

And before you say, "What will Ricky say?",

remember, he didn't say that I couldn't say that I'm Lucy McGillicuddy.

Lucy, if you couldn't even get to talk to him on the phone as Lucy Ricardo,

what makes you think you'll get in to see him as Lucy McGillicuddy?

His book.

I'll tell him how much I enjoyed it, and I'll ask him to autograph it for me.

And how is all this going to get him to emcee our show?

Well, while he's signing his name,

I'll just tell him what a clever author he is

and what a funny comedian he is,

and I'll just casually mention the PTA benefit.

- Do you think it'll work? - It can't miss.

If there's one thing hammier than a comedian, it's an author,

and Milton Berle is both!

Good afternoon, Milton Berle's office.

I'm sorry, he's on the phone with Hollywood.

I'm afraid not.

There's someone with him now. There are people waiting to see him.

He's working on his new book,

and he has an appointment with his publisher, Mr. Watson.

I'd suggest you call back in about two weeks.

No, this is not a recording.

- Good afternoon. - Yes?

Lucy McGillicuddy to see Mr. Berle, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Berle's tied up with his publisher.

- What was it in regard to? - Oh, it's in regards to his book.

- I'd like him to autograph it for me. - Oh, I'm sure he'd be happy to.

- I figured he would. - Where are you going, miss?

- Into his office. - Just a minute!

Just a minute!

I didn't mean now!

I, uh... You just, uh... ...leave your address,

- and I'll mail it to you. - Oh, no, no! No, no.

I couldn't bear to be parted from my wonderful book.

You see, I've already read it four times.

Then why can't you leave it?

Well, it's... it's sort of become a part of me.

I... I take it wherever I go,

and I read it over and over and over and over. Oh, yes.

Well, all right.

If you insist on seeing Mr. Berle, but I... I can't make any promises.

They're just wonderful, especially the last 50 pages.

Remember your promise.

We've got a deadline, and you're gonna finish this

- by the end of the week. - I guarantee it.

In case you forget your promise, remember our contract...

If you don't finish it, you'll lose half your royalties.

Oh, don't worry about that. I won't want to lose half my royalties.

And by the way, Mr. Watson,

are you sure you want me to take out that joke on page ten? It's a big laugh.

- They'll yuck, they'll scream. - Which one was it?

You know, it was... it's wonderful.

When my mother was helping me with my homework when I was a kid,

and she said to me, "Where does milk come from?"

And I said, "Cows."

And she said, "Where does cream come from?"

And I said, "Cows."

Then she said, "Where does butter come from?"

And I said, "Butterflies."

Where did you learn that? High school?

No, elementary, my dear Watson.

- An audience. It's funny! It's funny! - It's out!

- What'd you say? - It's out!

It's out.

Uh, Mr. Watson, uh. ...

Will you do me a favor? Give Mr. Watson an envelope

- for the manuscript. - Oh, yes, sir.

- Everything will be fine. - Thank you.

Hiya, fellas. Gee, I know you guys from somewhere.

Your faces look very familiar. Where do I know you guys from?

Oh, I remember the act!

Somersault and Maugham.

What can I do for you?

We thought you could use us in the Friar show tomorrow night.

Uh, this is great, great. You have to do it tomorrow.

We'll do a routine together. Step inside, we'll work it out.

Come inside. Everything will be... That's the bit I'm gonna do with you.

Milton, this is ridiculous!

- What do you mean ridiculous? - Excuse me, Mr. Berle.

- Would you do me a big favor? - Yeah, sure.

When I told my kids I was working next door to Milton Berle,

they made me promise to get your picture autograph.

Well, fine.

Gee, where did you get this one? This is a wonderful picture.

- How did you get in here? - I came up in a cement bucket.

- 20 floors? - Oh, it's a cinch!

The crane operator swung me over to Mr. Berle's terrace, and I hopped out.

- Incredible! - Young man, come here.

Look, to whom shall I make it out?

- To Billy... - To Billy.

Yes. Estelle, Dave,

Lawrence, Frankie, Eleanor, Bruce...

All right. I'll just make it out to "Billy and the gang."

- There you are, young man. - Oh, gee, thanks, Mr. Berle.

Do you mind if the other fellas drop in for your autograph?

- Anytime you want, young man. - Aw, gee, I'm sorry, I have to run off.

I... My cement bucket is double parked.

Your cement bucket is double parked?

You build the buildings, I'll tell the jokes.

"Cement bucket double parked."

People come to me with the corniest jokes I've ever heard.

Jot that down, Miss Trent.

Mr. Berle...

Milton, you'll never get those 50 pages done.

One-man bands, acrobats, sandhogs, telephone...

I promise... I promise this is the last interruption.

- You're... - Don't worry about a thing.

- I will promise... -

So long, kid. Anytime you want to get a picture.

Oh, this is a madhouse!

Please, Mr. Berle, this will just take a minute.

The trouble with you is you can't say no to anybody!

- Mr. Berle... - Oh, you're wrong, Mr. Watson.

I can say no. Anytime that I want to say no, I can say no.

- Mr. Berle, I'm Lucy McGillicuddy. - I'm sorry.

I just loved your book, Earthquake.

- I'm afraid not. - Since you're such a great author,

- such a funny comedian... - I can't do it! I can't do it.

- I'd love for you to autograph my book. - No, absolutely no!

See what I mean?

I said no, didn't I?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Berle!

- My finger, dear. My finger. - Oh.

I just loved your book.

- I thought it was wonderful. - You're very sweet.

So powerful, tense and artistic.

Powerful, tense, artistic?

Yes, P-T-A.

P-T-A.

Yes, which reminds me, we're having

- a little PTA benefit Friday night. - Oh!