Dan Soder: Son of a Gary

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

Dan Soder!

: Yeah.

Yay!

How the hell are ya?

‐(cheering continues) ‐Wha? Ah!

All right.

‐All right. ‐(cheering continues)

Thank you. All right. That‐‐ that's‐‐

It was believable to a point.

But then you're like, you don't even know.

You don't know how this is gonna go.

This could suck!

You could leave and you'd be like,

"Why the fuck did I clap in the beginning?

That guy stinks at comedy!"

I don't know. I don't know anything.

I'm a dumb person.

I've learned you're not allowed

to call yourself dumb on the Internet

without a stranger arguing with you.

That's how fucking broken the Internet is.

If you go online, you're like, "I'm an idiot!"

Someone you've never met will be like, "Don't say that."

"You don't know that."

It's the only thing I actually know.

I'm 36 years old.

I just learned, this summer, from a doctor,

I'm no longer allowed to eat,

then go to sleep.

What kind of horseshit world are we living in?

Dude, my favorite thing in the world is to eat,

then go directly to sleep.

I'll eat laying down if it speeds up the process.

Have you ever had a huge meal then gone right to sleep?

You sleep so fuckin' deep.

You touch the bottom of the pool every time.

Whenever I meet someone that's like, "I have insomnia,"

I'm like, "You're not eating late enough."

‐(laughter) ‐Just...

eat as your eyes are shutting,

you're gonna go down like a goddamn grizzly bear.

You are gonna wake up with the heartburn

of a 20‐year homicide detective...

getting chewed up by cold cases.

Like, "All those bodies and no names!"

"Those are someone's children, Diane!?

Yeah, sometimes‐‐ I'm glad you guys liked that

'cause there's been some audiences that are like,

"Is that a fake detective with PTSD?"

What are you mad about? It's a made‐up person.

He's never seen real shit.

I should tell you at the top of this,

I am, uh, I am 20% white trash,

so it should explain everything else.

It's not a‐‐ Twenty percent white trash isn't enough to hurt you.

It's not, it just means I like multiple flavors of Mountain Dew...

and I have bet and lost money on the X‐Games.

I had a snowmobile parlay that fucked me.

No, I grew up in Colorado and I was always like,

"Oh, our, uh, our white trash doesn't have accents

'cause we don't have accents."

And then I watched the X‐Games and I was like,

"There it is. There it is."

Just every athlete that's like, : "Hey, what's up?

I want to give a shout‐out to my sponsors."

Like, "Fuck, it's every kid I went to middle school with in Aurora."

"Just want to say what's up to Fox Racing,

"Hefty Garbage Bags,

KY Jelly."

"How the fuck are those your sponsors?"

Yeah.

I'm a‐‐ I'm a guaranteed weirdo 'cause I'm an only child.

Um... I was‐‐

I was raised by a single mom, so I was alone a lot,

and my dad picked the bottle over me,

so comedian.

That's the recipe. Just add water.

Or, in my dad's case, Bacardi, and then he fucks off.

Yeah! You guys don't think I'm up here

'cause shit went well, do you?

You think that's why I'm onstage nightly,

begging for the affection of strangers...

'cause I had a good childhood?

If I had a good childhood, I wouldn't be a comedian.

I'd just be the funniest guy that works at Enterprise Rental Car.

Don't‐‐ Don't act like I wouldn't.

I would fucking crush on the lot.

I'd be upgrading you from a standard to a full size.

Yeah, I was just a weird kid. I was just a strange‐‐

I talked to myself a lot. Loved action figures.

Loved action figures, until I was 12.

It's... pretty old.

It's kind of old to play with boy dolls.

Also at 12 years old,

because I'm 20% white trash,

I started smoking cigarettes.

Do you know how hilarious of an overlap that is?

‐(laughter) ‐I would‐‐

I would play with my GI Joes in earnest for 30 minutes,

and then go outside and fire up a Marlboro Red.

Just like...

: "I think Cobra's got the high ground."

"We lost a Ninja Turtle to a lawnmower last week.

War is hell."

Some little girl in my neighborhood walks up with a cigarette,

she's like, "You got a light?

Ken and Barbie aren't doing so hot."

"We had to put a Pound Puppy down last week."

I'm kidding, I would never hurt a dog. I love dogs.

I get excited every time‐‐

Every single time I see a dog, I get excited,

even when I have weed on me at the airport.

It's a complicated relationship.

Remember you got that bag of weed in your pocket, and you turn the corner,

and you're like, "You a good boy or a bad boy?"

That dog's like...

Gets close to you, you're like, "Fuck, please be cool. Fuck!"

There's always one person there to be like,

"Those dogs actually sniff for bombs,"

and you're like, "Ah, well, in that case,

thank you for your service."

"I've always really respected Labradors.

I find you to be a great breed."

I feel bad for the guys that hold those dogs at the airport.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I bet there's a bunch of shit they want to smell.

Dude, that's‐‐

I think that's hilarious that they signed up to be like,

"I want to protect people that are traveling.

How do you want me to do that?" And someone was like,

"Fucking hold this dog."

"But make sure you scream at every child that tries to touch it."

See, that's the best part of consistently traveling

is watching little kids learn to hate authority

'cause they've tried to pet the security dog.

They're walking through, and they're like, "Doggy!"

Some cop's like, "Don't touch the dog!"

Some five‐year‐old's like, "Man, fuck the police.

This fucking pig, stopping me from touching a doggy."

I travel, uh,

I travel, on average about 25, 30 weeks a year doing this.

That's a lot of airports.

That's a lot of other people's children.

I hear a lot of screaming babies

for a guy that comes in the right places.

Fucking farm to bag!

I don't get mad at screaming babies. I'm not a monster.

I think you're a dick if you get mad

at a screaming baby on an airplane.

I know what's going on, that kid can't talk.

Its ears hurt so it's just gonna scream.

I think you're a dick if you get mad at the parents

of a screaming baby on an airplane.

Have you seen the parents of a screaming baby on an airplane?

They are not into it!

They're not like, "Yeah, this guy fucking yells, huh?

"You guys want to see something cool?

"Sometimes I push real deep on his stomach

and he goes fucking nuts."

It's the only way to fly...

a child losing its shit.

I've gotten on flights though,

and I've seen people that don't have screaming babies,

you know, they're just on the flight and they go right to that gate agent,

and they're like, "I'm a Sky Miles member

and I was... (muttering)" Like, you're a piece of shit!

You're an active piece of shit.

But that's what happened. That's what Yelp did to us.

Just turned us into a generation of snitches.

It's true, man, we love to tell on each other.

Like, "He did that."

For what? For what? For your benefit?

Dude, the customer service generation

has ruined the American dream.

Sincerely, like that old American dream.

You know, that one that's like...

"I'm gonna work hard, save up my money,