Teachers

No. It can't be.

Chicken pox!

Lost another one.

Half the school is out with chicken pox.

Ugh. It's such an ugly virus.

Yeah, it makes you feel horrible.

No, I mean, it literally makes you look ugly.

That's a beautiful dress.

What's the occasion?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just asking Hot Dad out today.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm asking Hot Dad out.

Holy shit!

Whoa, whoa, careful! That's not Mary Louise.

That's a pod person.

Since he asked me to dance at the hoedown,

I realized he likes me,

and I like him,

so why not just ask him out?

My little baby girl's grown up.

It is way too high-pitched in here for me.

I'm happy for you, Mary Louise.

Hit that fat D for me.

Ugh. She's such a dude.

And that's the scientific method.

So let's review.

If I say that I think if I wear this tube top to a bar,

men will buy me drinks, what is that?

- Gary? - It's a hypothesis,

because you think it's true, but you haven't proven it yet.

Excellent.

But if I tell you that I've literally gone to hundreds

of bars wearing this top, and every time,

a man has bought me a drink, what does my hypothesis become?

- Jonah? - A theory,

because you've proven it over multiple trials.

Very good.

Now, is there a way for my drink-generating tube top

to become a scientific law?

Nobody? Okay. Well, it's time for gym.

So we'll get that answer later today.

Oh, and tell Coach Bozy

that his short shorts leave nothing to the imagination,

and thank you.

- Ms. Snap? - Hey, Lily.

Your sweater is so cute.

Can I borrow it sometime?

How come you never call on me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't see you raising your hand.

It's probably because your arms are so thin.

Look! Twins!

But I always raise my hand during science,

and you never pick me or any of the girls.

You treat the boys better than us.

That's ridiculous, Lily.

Just today I helped Melissa K. set up her makeup vlog.

So your hypothesis is false.

Hey, dude.

Can I borrow your broom?

I just smashed a cockroach.

I wanted to leave it there to send a message

to the other cockroaches, but Pearson said I have to clean it up.

Oh, my...

What's wrong?

You wouldn't understand.

It's a girl thing.

Well, I do possess a vagina, so...

A group of my sorority sisters,

the ones I actually liked,

took a reunion trip to Mexico without me.

How do you know?

Uh, Facebook. Hello?

They didn't even have the decency to make the album private.

Why wouldn't they invite me?

I don't know. You should call them up and ask them.

- I can't do that. - Why not?

Because that would make me look crazy.

How could they do this to me?

I told you. Call them up and ask them.

You're doing the same thing that Jacob used to do.

Stop trying to fix the situation!

God, Deb, this is exactly why I don't talk to you

about these things!

Okay.

So where's the broom?

Where it always is...

in the closet in between the Dustbuster and the Swiffer.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Laura, you know there's no gum allowed in school, right?

I know. That's why I put it in my hair.

I'll have to get some peanut butter.

This is gonna take hours.

Hey.

I'm a little early. You ready for me?

Oh, I'm ready, Hot Daddy.

Where is everyone?

Half the class is out sick with the chicken pox.

But don't worry... the kids here have already had it,

so you're safe.

I'm not worried. Blake and I already got it

when he was in kindergarten.

It was actually kind of nice.

We took turns taking care of each other.

You want me to pass out those worksheets?

No.

I want you to go out tonight

with me on a date

with you tonight.

I would really like that.

Great. It's a date.

Uh, sorry.

One of my students tried to call me out this morning.

It was so funny.

Was it 'cause you're 31 and you still use glitter as makeup?

No.

Lily P. basically accused me of being sexist towards women,

which is impossible 'cause I am a woman.

What'd she say you did?

She said I don't call on any of the girls in science.

That's a thing. There are studies that show

that girls get called on way less in math and science.

But I don't do that.

You sure, dog?

A lot of people have a gender bias and don't even know it.

Are you kidding me? I love both genders equally.

If anything, I am biased towards women.

I'm always trying to help them improve themselves

by suggesting they wear more makeup or lose weight.

I don't do that for men.

He's picking me up after school.

And he's taking me to my favorite restaurant...

The Great American Pasta Company.

I'm going to be sugar and spice, and who knows if I'll be nice?

Ooh!

I think I'll wear my hair like this.

Oh, what's on your neck?

- What? - Do you have chicken pox?

- No. Of course not. - Oh, girl...

- I don't have it. - It really looks like it's...

No, it doesn't look like anything

because I don't have the chicken pox

'cause I have my date tonight, so stop saying that I do.

You're all becoming hysterical.

It's a neck zit!

Haven't you ever seen a zit on a neck before?

Then why are you scratching it?

Because, Cecelia, sometimes zits can be itchy!

- Leave me alone! - Oh.

- She's got it, right? - Oh, yeah. Bitch got the pox.

Just keep the oatmeal on your face for at least an hour.

Mary Louise, I hate to say this,

but you need to cancel your date.

No. He'll think I'm blowing him off.

Tonight was supposed to be the first date

of the rest of my life.

Girl, I want to be delicate in how I say this.

You look like shit,

like, physically very ugly.

Don't worry.

After this, I'm gonna give you a rosewater enema.

That, combined with the oatmeal,

should eliminate all of the itching.

Speaking of, what are you going to do with the oatmeal

once you take it off her face?

What? I thought I'd bake some cookies.

Ugh. Why won't this thing work?

Hey, can you help me with this software?

It isn't downloading.

Oh, no. I'm bad at computers.

I know how to do it.

Wait. You're good with computers?

Yeah.

You love your dermatologist, right?

- Mm-hmm. - What's his name?

Uh, her name is Dr. Malloy.

Right, I know that,

because women can be doctors, too.

Brenda! You're back from maternity leave so soon.

Isn't it hard to be away from your baby?

Why don't you ask Dan that?

He and his wife just had a baby...

a week ago.

Oh, my God.

It's a scientific law.

I'm sexist.

Who made me this way? Because I did not do this to myself.

Seriously, who gave me sexism?

Someone probably ingrained it into you when you were little.

But who?

Mrs. Wyatt!

This is all my elementary-school teacher Mrs. Wyatt's fault!

I used to love science, and I was really good at it,

but the only thing she encouraged me in was penmanship!

She said one day I would write beautiful love letters,

which is bullshit, 'cause all I do now is sext

using peach and eggplant emojis.

If it wasn't for her, I could've been a hot rocket scientist

working for the NASA!