Mike & Molly

Yeah, I ordered the heart-shaped cake.

With "happy Valentine's day, Molly" spelled out in red hots.

When will that be ready?

Perfect. I'll be by later to pick that up.

You know, normally, they do the wording.

With little icing flowerets, but my lady likey the red hots.

Oh, that's right... it's Mikey that likey the Mike & ikees.

I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant,

followed by a carriage ride down Michigan Avenue,

then back to her place for dessert and champagne.

Carriage ride?!

With that cold wind blowing off the lake?

Man, you ain't gonna see your testicles.

Till about late march, early April.

The nip in the air promotes snuggling.

Plus, I'm bringing thermal underwear and ski masks.

Mm. Sounds sexy.

Like two cat burglars in the worst getaway vehicle ever.

Hey, I thought you'd be happy for me.

I've finally got a girlfriend

I can do something special with on Valentine's day.

Oh, so you're saying last year wasn't special?

You mean drinking beer with you at that off-track betting place?

It was one of the most depressing nights of my life.

That's because none of your dogs came in.

You got to look at the animal's pedigree and study its behavior.

You don't just throw ten bucks at a dog because his name is Scooby-don't.

Scooby-don't.

And anyway, don't worry about me...

I've got plans of my own tomorrow night.

You got a date?

Something better than a date.

I got a strategy.

Oh, this isn't the "walking into the ladies' room,

pretending to be blind" thing again, is it?

That was an accident... one door had a picture of a palm tree,

and the other one had two coconuts,

and we both know two coconuts can go either way.

So, uh, what kind of strategy are you talking about?

Well, women have very high expectations on Valentine's day, true?

That's true. And that puts a lot.

Of pressure on the man, which usually results.

In an argument and/or an ugly break-up.

Oh, no.

So right about 10:30, the streets are gonna be lined.

With a bunch of broken-hearted bitches looking for a ride home.

Let me understand this.

You're gonna cruise around the city.

Looking for sad, stranded women?

You are ghoulish.

Ghoulish like a fox.

Mmm! These are delicious!

Now, who are they from?

Gary, the channel nine weekend weatherman.

The guy with the bad rug?

You know, he even wears that thing in bed.

I woke up one morning, and it was stuck to my crotch.

Kind of liked it.

It was very retro.

Molly: Hey.

Hey, sweetie.

How was your day?

They served chili in the school cafeteria,

so my afternoon was pretty much one long debate.

About who smelt it and who dealt it.

Another package for miss Victoria Flynn.

Who's it from?

Uh, no return address...

Just a picture of a smiley face smoking a joint.

You know what they say...

"Candy is dandy, but yay weed."

Aw, look at this... Mike made me a Valentine.

"Through wind or sleet or rain or shine,

I will always be your Valentine."

Soon as I heard "shine," I knew exactly where he was headed.

Oh, look, he made it out of construction paper.

And cut out little letters and glued them on.

Looks kind of like a ransom note, doesn't it?

If he didn't sign it, I'd be pretty spooked.

Isn't that sweet?

He wants tomorrow to be perfect.

Vince is doing the same thing.

He booked us a suite at the sybaris adult motel.

Really?

From 6:30 to midnight.

He's out right now buying extra chlorine.

For the jacuzzi.

Mike and I are going to dinner,

and then we're taking a nice, romantic carriage ride.

Down Michigan Avenue.

Oh, Vince doesn't like carriage rides.

He says a visible horse anus is a boner killer.

Sure.

Gary the weatherman has the same problem.

With midgets and schnauzers.

That's why we can ever do it at the circus or the dog park.

Sure.

Well, I guess the upside,

we all have dates on Valentine's day.

Oh, yeah. I mean, these are high-class problems.

This is her favorite bakery,

and she has no idea that I know about it. How'd you find out?

We drove by once, and she said, "that's my favorite bakery."

Look at you, listening to a woman.

You're gonna make detective yet.

Gentlemen, how can I help you?

Yes, I'm here to pick up a cake.

That I special-ordered for my girlfriend for Valentine's day.

All right, I think everybody heard that.

Your last name?

Biggs. Two g's.

And he has a girlfriend.

I'll be right back.

Help yourself to a sample of our maple bars.

Man, there was a time where I would've walked in here.

With a gallon of milk and a credit card.

And not stopped till I hit drywall.

I'm proud of you...

You're showing willpower and restraint.

Right? It's been a long time since we pulled over.

A little Debbie truck for expired tags.

All right, Mr. Biggs with two g's,

we have a chocolate cake with vanilla butter cream frosting.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

You, sir, are a pastry magician.

Mmm! I second that emotion.

This is like a bear claw and an angel food cake.

Had a sweet, tasty baby.

Well, thank you.

"Happy Valentine's day, Molly."

It's perfect. Had to go.

To a gas station to buy the red hots,

but I think it came out pretty nice.

Sounds like we might have enough left over.

To spell out "Flynn."

Ah. Well, wait a second.

This cake is for Molly Flynn?

Uh-huh.

Oh, of course!

You're Mike the cop!

I can't believe this! I'm Kyle!

Kyle. Yeah.

Oh, Kyle the Baker.

This is Carl, the other cop.

Nice to meet you. You, too. And...

I couldn't be happier for you and Molly.

I still consider her one of the best things to ever happen to me,

even though it didn't work out between us.

Right.

I'm sure Molly's already talked your ear off.

About me backing out of our wedding.

Wedding? Shut up, Carl, let the man tell his story.

Water under the bridge.

The important thing is the two of you found each other.

Uh-huh.

What do I owe you for the cake?

You know what? It's on me.

Consider it my Valentine's present.

To you and Molly.

Thank you. That's very generous.

Carry the cake... my knees are starting to buckle.

Should we grab a couple of maple bars for the road?

Get in the car!

I'm such a chump!

A big, dumb, trusting chump!

Jesus, this is moist.

So what's the big deal if she had.

A boyfriend before she met you?

Uh-uh, not boyfriend, fiancé.

Big difference.

They made a promise; They exchanged I-love-you's.

I'm guessing they exchanged a lot more than that. Not helping!

God, this frosting just melts in your mouth.

That son of a bitch!

Look, I'm sure.

She has a perfectly good reason for not telling you.

About that man. Yeah! Like she's still in love with the guy.

And I'm just the stupid rebound guy she kills time with.

Until they get back together!

Now you're just jumping to conclusions.

Without knowing all the facts.

All right, fact: Molly had a secret fiancé.

She never told me about.

Fact: He still has feelings for her.

Fact: He called off the wedding,

so she still has feelings for him!

Not to mention, he is ruggedly good-looking.

And in terrific shape.

Not helping!

Hey, listen to me, man, you don't want to do this right now.

You're angry, and you got cake on your nose.

Hey, I think a man deserves to know the truth.

About the woman he's dating.

Well, see, that's where you and I differ.

I don't want to know anything... I don't want to know.

That she did jail time, has grandkids my age,

or used to be named Jerome wadlow III.

Go wait in the car!

You're gonna regret this, man.

I know what I'm doing.