Backstage with Katherine Ryan

I'm Katherine Ryan, and I've taken over the notorious London Roundhouse.

As my 21-year-old lover often says, "Look how far I've come."

That's intellectual big dick energy.

I'll be joined by four of the best comics in the country.

You're living in a fucking dream world, mate.

I think it did eat meat, actually. Yeah!

Harder than it looks, innit?

I'mma get fucked tonight.

But this is much more than a standup show

because I've put cameras everywhere.

I feel sick.

Can't believe your luck. You're on the show with me.

You should see where he puts it when he's finished with his mouth.

The only thing whiter than Jimmy's teeth is his ass hole.

I think it's probably all right.

You're going to see what comedians get up to

when they think no one's looking.

You work in the bar in Coronation Street now?

What the fuck is this look?

We've got more dodgy material than Kanye West's fashion line.

I've cheated. It's been great.

As I once told an ex-boyfriend when he wore sandals,

"we're done now."

This is Backstage with Katherine Ryan.

Standby. All right.

Voila!

Hey, baby.

- Hello. - How are you?

- How's it going? - I'm opening the show.

- Are you opening? - Yeah.

Thank God!

That means I'm not opening.

- Hey, Seann. - Hello, mate.

Hey, Jimmy.

Can't believe your luck. You're on the show with me.

This is huge for you, isn't it?

Really big for me. I mean, you forged my career, Jimmy.

I came up with the whole thing.

I came up with the Asian thing. It was me...

A big ass gray hair right there.

Fuck off.

- Have you been out gigging? - I've been out gigging lots.

I'm too tired of everything.

I did a couple of double shows and a couple of regular shows,

so it's like four hours on stage.

You kind of go, "I felt it in my hamstrings."

I'm getting to an age where I was chatting to my physio

going, "I feel a bit knackered."

He went, "Were you doing some sports?" and I went,

"No, just standing on the stage telling jokes." Yeah.

- You don't even move. - Yeah.

Hello.

- Hey. - Hi. Nice to see you.

So you work in the bar in Coronation Street now?

What the fuck is this look?

It is cashmere...

Cashmere. God love you.

How are you? I like the haircut.

- Thank you very much. - Did Jimmy take you for the haircut?

Because I know you're mentoring Seann all of a sudden

- when that used to be my gig. - Chatting about comedy.

Everyone assumes that. It's actually I'm mentoring him.

It's annoying 'cause you cutting your hair treads on a lot of my jokes about you.

I think you look like Roger Daltry after a car crash.

What? Unbelieve...

What? Is that? Not a terrible car crash. It's just, something's fucked.

You look like an emoji.

Look now, he looks like the laughing, crying emoji. Look.

Oh, hey.

Sorry, I need to take Seann to sound check, please.

Thank you. Right. See you later.

- Why are you being friends with him now? - I love him.

I think Seann's a terrific observational comic.

He just needs a bit of confidence.

I used to be like the mentee, I felt like.

And I know that you have a rescue syndrome and you like to fix people.

My work here is done. I think you're okay now.

- Fly free. - Okay.

Three, two, one.

- Hi, Geoff. - Hi.

Oh, my gosh. So excited about tonight's show.

Yeah.

I need you to write some jokes for Seann Walsh.

After the infamous Strictly kiss, Seann was fully canceled.

One of the weirdest things is a bloke who's trying to pretend to your wife

that you were outraged and, like... Ugh.

I'd be disappointed in my husband

if he didn't get off with the Eastern European dancer

wrapping her legs around his head six nights a week.

What's wrong with you? You didn't fuck her?

- Yeah. - Jimmy is also going to be here.

And Seann and Jimmy have actually forged a very good friendship lately.

Unlikely little bromance?

Jimmy will be very fun to write for because he loves being roasted.

On that note, Jimmy's had a lot of work done.

He doesn't look a day over "What the fuck is that?"

He'd love that.

Desiree Burch is on the show. She's American, she's a black woman.

She is very body positive, and she is the voice for a dating show

Too Hot to Handle,

which is hurtful to me because I auditioned for that role.

They went another way.

A more diverse way. Geoff, I feel like you.

See, didn't I tell you about the woke stuff?

Exactly. We'll all be controlled by the Taliban soon enough.

Then we won't have to worry about these frivolous problems.

- It's true. - My pronouns are they. Get in the van.

Yeah.

Lastly, Nick Mohammed.

Mr. Swallow is his character. He's a magician.

I would try to stay clear of magicians.

- Why? - I think they're not trustworthy.

So you regard magicians the way I regard men.

- Yeah. - Welcome to the jungle.

- You've always done characters on stage. - Yeah, I've never done standup. Ever.

That's amazing.

- Hello. - Hey. Hi, how are you?

I'm well. I just wanted to pop in and say thanks for doing the show.

I was just trying to find out about Mr. Swallow and the gig.

'Cause I'm curious as to how much it's like based in your life at all.

Absolutely a lot. It's based on an impression of a teacher.

I feel like a lot of pure standup comics look down on character stuff.

Yeah. Rightly said.

- Really? - They do, I do.

I'm like, "Wow, that is a skill

"that nobody else is bringing into this space."

I would be... The idea of doing stand up and being oneself on stage,

which is close to the real self, I find it terrifying.

And where did the magic come from?

This is a kid, like self-defense, I think.

Not that I was bullied, but I'm quite short, and I'm not sporty...

It's Britain, everyone was bullied, right?

Isn't that bad? For a moment of respite,

you had to, like, to have this magical talent.

I've said this to you before,

I keep saying this to you, you need to get out with cameras

and show people what it's like to be with you in the real world.

Going around and you, the joke machine.

You go into a cafe, your joke, everyone's laughing.

It's like people go, "Jimmy, we'd like to get a selfie."

You come in, you stop and chat to people...

But it takes longer to say no.

It's easy to just get the photo and give them a little something.

You pretend you're a bastard.

I have set the bar very low with my stage act,

so people think I'm going to be an ocean going copper-bottomed cunt.

And actually, I'm just an arsehole.

And they're thrilled. They're thrilled.

- This guy is just an arsehole. - No.

Okay. Just gonna get some production stills now.

- What have you got for Seann Walsh? - Seann Walsh?

Erm... He looks like a gay lion.

Yeah, good.

With Seann's good looks, he looks like he could be in movies

as the guy who introduces the lead actress to ketamine and anal.

That's a good night.

"Seann was such a public enemy, R. Kelly dressed as him for Halloween."

Ooh! That's good.

Seann looks like he's got a smelly dick.

That's fun.

What about Desiree?

How about, "As a black American,

"she's got a shorter life expectancy than a peach"?

"Desiree grew up watching Bill Cosby,

"and thanks to American justice, she still can."

See, Geoff, you are woke.

I can do the feminist stuff. I don't always agree, but I can do it.

Great to be here.

I work a lot with Katherine Ryan.

Some funny jokes about her

and then I'll stop saying funny things. And then I'll walk off stage.

So do you feel like the stench of the whole Strictly thing has faded?

I think so.

I have such amazing memories of that show.

- Yeah. - And then the repercussions of that kiss.

- That was crazy. - What's your truth

regarding the kiss and the fallout?

Disproportionate?

I was on the front pages of one paper for 12 days in a row.

I'm just a comic.

I saw you on the cover of those papers.

I knew that people were talking about you kissing this girl,

but I didn't imagine at the time that it would have

such an effect on you emotionally.

I can't go anywhere near anything Strictly.

I can't. It just messes my head up too much.

It messes with my head.

One day, I hope I can look back at that fondly.

That first three weeks because it was so...

It was the best time of my life.

What did you think it was gonna be

when they published a photo of you kissing the dancer?

What you are thinking about is, "What have you done to someone?"

Mmm.

It's one thing doing that privately, and I don't judge anyone.

Everyone's got their own backstory, life, reasons for everything.

I've cheated,

it's been great.

I loved it.

Ten out of ten. Would do again.