Curb Your Enthusiasm

- None of your business, Elaine! - ( audience laughs )

- All: No! - ( theme music playing )

- OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. - A RING STAIN?

I HAVE A BAD HABIT OF JUST PUTTING MY DRINK DOWN ON THE TABLE.

BAD HABIT? PUT YOUR DRINK DOWN ON THE WOOD?

- LOOK AT THAT STAIN YOU MADE. - WELL, WE'LL JUST SAND IT OFF OR SOMETHING.

DO YOU RESPECT WOOD?

I...

- GUESS SO. - OH MY GOD.

YOU HAD A CUP LIKE THAT AT JULIA'S PARTY.

YOU LEFT THE RING STAIN ON JULIA'S TABLE.

SHE BLAMED ME THE WHOLE TIME, BUT IT WAS YOU.

- WELL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL. - YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT IS NO BIG DEAL.

HAVING SAID THAT,

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO CALL JULIA AND TELL HER YOU LEFT THE RING STAIN.

- I'M NOT CALLING JULIA. - YEAH, JUST TELL HER THAT...

THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LEFT THE STAIN ON THE ANTIQUE TABLE.

- HOLD IT ONE SECOND. - I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.

- YEAH, COME ON. - I'M NOT DOING THAT.

- NO, I WANT YOU TO TALK TO HER. - I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO JULIA.

- CHERYL, HOLD ON ONE SECOND. - OH MY GOD, I AM NOT TALKING TO JULIA.

- I'M NOT DOING THIS. - HEY, JULES!

- SHOW WAS FANTASTIC. - WHAT WAS I THINKING? WHY WOULD I COME HERE?

I'M NOT TALKING TO JULIA. I SAID NO

AND YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

OH WAIT, HOLD... HOLD ON, OKAY.

CHERYL, WAIT ONE SECOND! NO NO, I THINK SHE LEFT THE RING STAIN. HOLD ON.

- HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? - LEAVING, LARRY.

- HUH? WHY? - WHY?!

YEAH. CHERYL!

CHERYL.

Man: LARRY, I KNOW DIVORCE IS PAINFUL, BUT THIS IS A FANTASTIC DEAL.

IT'S NOT ONLY THE BEST DEAL I'M GONNA GET FOR YOU,

IT'S THE BEST DEAL THAT ANYBODY'S GONNA GET FOR ANYBODY.

YOU'RE GONNA KEEP YOUR HOUSE, YOU'RE KEEPING ALL YOUR PROPERTY.

YOU KNOW? I KNOW THAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU.

- I GOTTA BE A GOOD GUY. - YEAH, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A GOOD GUY HERE.

- BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE A GOOD GUY HERE. - I KNOW.

- YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? - YES.

- OKAY, YEAH. - THIS IS WHAT I DO.

YOU'RE COMING OUT AHEAD IN THIS DEAL AND SHE'S COMING OUT BEHIND.

IMAGINE LIKE A DUTCH APPLE PIE, RIGHT?

THE FILLING, THE REAL MEAT OF THE PIE, IS EVERYTHING YOU'RE GETTING.

AND THE TOP OF THE PIE THAT LOOKS SO NICE

IS WHAT SHE'S GETTING. SHE'S JUST GETTING THE APPEARANCE.

YEAH, BUT I REALLY LIKE THAT CRUMBLY STUFF ON THE TOP.

NO, EVERYBODY DOES. YEAH, IT'S DELICIOUS.

I LIKE THAT MORE THAN THE PIE. I WOULD RATHER GET THAT

- THAN THE PIE. - YEAH, I KNOW, BUT IT'S...

BUT THAT'S JUST... THAT'S A PART OF IT,

BUT THE REAL... IT WOULDN'T BE A PIE WITHOUT THE FILLING.

- YEAH, BUT IT'S MY FAVORITE PART. - SO LET'S SWITCH IT.

SHE'S GETTING THE FILLING AND YOU'RE GETTING THE RAZZLE-DAZZLE THAT IS

- THE BROWN CRUMBLY STUFF. - THE DELICIOUS BROWN CRUMBLY STUFF.

- YEAH, YEAH YEAH. - THE CINNAMON.

IT'S A GOOD DEAL. IT'S READY TO BE SIGNED.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE, LARRY.

YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BERG? I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.

UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, CAPTAIN. I APPRECIATE THAT.

CHERYL AND HER LAWYER ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN A MATTER OF MINUTES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO, BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD IDEA FOR YOU TO STICK AROUND FOR THAT MEETING.

- NO, I'M GONNA GO. - OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH. OKAY.

- YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY. - I LIKE THIS DESK.

- YOU HAVE A LOT OF ROOM UNDER HERE. - YEAH, IT'S NICE.

IT'D BE A GOOD DESK TO GET BLOWJOBS UNDER.

THAT'S NOT WHY I BOUGHT IT, BUT LET'S CALL IT A HAPPY ACCIDENT.

- OKAY, BERG. - LARRY, DON'T WORRY SO MUCH.

- IT'S A GOOD DEAL. - OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY.

I'M GONNA LEAVE IT IN YOUR HANDS. I TRUST YOU.

- YOU SHOULD. - I HAVE A LOT OF CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU, LARRY. - SEE YOU AROUND.

Cheryl: LARRY.

- OH HEY. - HI.

- HEY. GOOD TO SEE YOU. - HELLO.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU. - THIS IS DAVID RABINOWITZ,

MY ATTORNEY. THIS IS LARRY DAVID.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU HIRED A BALD MAN, HUH?

UH, THAT WAS A COINCIDENCE.

I DIDN'T REALLY GO AFTER A BALD MAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD HAVE RECUSED YOURSELF.

WE CAN'T GO UP AGAINST EACH OTHER.

- IT'S A CODE. IT'S IN THE BALD CODE. - IS IT?

- YES, IT IS. - OH, I DO NEED TO COME BY AND PICK UP SOME STUFF.

- OH, YOU WANT TO GET THE BEDDING AND EVERYTHING? - YES.

I'M GIVING HER THE BEDDING. SEE?

- YOU DON'T LIKE THE BEDDING. - I LIKE THE BEDDING.

AND THE PILLOWS. I'M GIVING YOU ALL THOSE PILLOWS.

- YEAH, YOU LIKE... YOU WANT THAT, RIGHT? - YEAH, BUT

YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE PILLOWS EITHER.

I KNOW, BUT I COULD CHARGE YOU FOR THEM IF I WASN'T BEING FAIR.

- YOU COULD CHARGE ME FOR THE PILLOWS? - YES, ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

- I'M NOT SURE. - TECHNICALLY.

TECHNICALLY. CORRECT, OKAY?

- OKAY. - YOUR BALD LAWYER SAYS TECHNICALLY YES.

AND I CAN CALL YOU BALD. IT'S LIKE BLACK PEOPLE CALLING EACH OTHER NIGGA.

- "HEY, BALDY," YOU KNOW? - OKAY, LET'S... IT'S BETTER IF YOU DON'T.

- OKAY. - I THINK YOU'RE CROSSING BOUNDARIES

- THAT SHOULDN'T BE CROSSED. - OKAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M PRACTICING A TIC I'M WORKING ON.

YOU KNOW, FOR DATING. I'M JUST WONDERING IF SHE'LL POINT IT OUT, THAT'S ALL.

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO ON YOUR DATES?

- YEAH, I'll JUST KEEP GOING LIKE THIS. - YOU MAKE UP A TIC.

- TO SEE HOW LONG YOUR... OKAY, UM... - YEAH.

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOU WERE SITTING ACROSS FROM SOMEBODY GOING LIKE THIS?

IF HE WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE, I WOULD THINK HE WAS AN ASSHOLE.

ONLY BECAUSE I TOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

BUT IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ME AND WE HAD JUST MET,

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE SITTING ACROSS FROM ME AND I'M GOING...

OKAY, THAT DOESN'T WORK. I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT.

WH... WHY NOT? HUH?

- LET'S GO. - IT'S JUST A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

- Cheryl: I'll TEXT YOU. - ALL RIGHT, NICE TO MEET YOU.

Rabinowitz: NICE MEETING YOU.

Larry: I GOT THE SHARPEST JEWISH DIVORCE LAWYER IN TOWN.

- HE'S TERRIFIC. - Jeff: YOU LIKE BERG?

- I LIKE HIM A LOT, YEAH. - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU AND I EVER SPLIT UP,

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, WE GET A DIVORCE,

50-50. YOU TAKE WHATEVER 50% YOU WANT.

I'll TAKE WHAT'S LEFT. NO ARGUING,

- NO NEGATIVITY. - WHAT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE A NICE DIVORCE IF WE EVER GET DIVORCED?

NO FUCKING WAY. I'M TAKING YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, MISTER.

I'M TAKING YOUR BALLS AND I'M THUMBTACKING THEM TO THE WALL.

YOU'RE GONNA GET NOTHING OUT OF IT. YOU MENTION THE "D" WORD ONCE

IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE, YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU EVER MET ME.

OKAY. I'VE GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

GUESS WHERE THE FUNKMAN IS GOING FOR THREE WEEKS.

- MIAMI? - LONDON!

- LONDON! - OH AH!

- HOW ABOUT THAT? - ON BUSINESS, HOW GREAT IS THAT?

- WOW, THAT'S FUN. - ARE YOU GOING?

- NO. - OH, REALLY?

- SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO TRAVEL. - I DON'T GO ON BUSINESS TRIPS WITH HIM.

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THERE? - NO.

OH MY GOD, YOU SHOULD GO. IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR.

- HMM, REALLY? - YEAH!

- LONDON! - MAYBE I SHOULD GO, MARTY.

NO, IT'S COLD. RIGHT NOW IT'S COLD AND FOGGY AND DANGEROUS.

THEY HAVE GANGS OVER THERE AND EVERYTHING ELSE AND I'll BE DOING BUSINESS.

I NEVER TRAVEL WITH YOU. I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA. I'M GOING.

- LET'S TALK ABOUT... - THANK YOU.

THAT'S DECIDED. I'M IN.

UM...

- WHAT'S EVERYBODY GETTING FOR LUNCH? - FISH CHOWDER.

GONNA HAVE SOME SORT OF LIGHT SALAD.

- I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY. - I THINK I'M GONNA GET THE BUFFET.

- ALL RIGHT. - ALL RIGHT. I'll BE BACK.

- THE FISH CHOWDER'S YUMMY. - LARRY!

- HEY, JOE. - LARRY, HOW ARE YOU?

- PRETTY GOOD. - Susie: ANNA!

- OH MY GOD, HOW ARE YOU? - RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT, THIS IS ANNA.

HEY, THIS IS... YOU KNOW JOE O'DONNELL, THE OWNER OF THE DODGERS.

- YES. - HI, EVERYBODY. I DIDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - ANNA AND I DID PILATES TOGETHER.

- HOW ARE YOU? THINGS GOING GOOD? - GREAT GREAT, YEAH.

DID YOU SPEAK TO ANDY TODAY? OUR FEARLESS ATTORNEY?

- WE HAVE THE SAME DIVORCE LAWYER. - OH YES!

OH, THE FUN WE'RE HAVING.

- HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU? - WELL...

YOU KNOW, IT'S COMPLICATED TO SAY THE LEAST.

THE TEAM IS... THE TEAM'S AN ASSET

AND IT'S KIND OF A LITTLE PRECARIOUS RIGHT NOW.

I THINK HE'LL COME THROUGH FOR US THOUGH. I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT.

- YEAH, HE'S GOOD. - BY THE WAY, WOULD YOU BE...

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN COMING OUT, SITTING IN A BOX WITH ME?

- OH, THAT'D BE FUN. - WE CAN COMMISERATE,

DISCUSS WHY THE HELL WE GOT MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YEAH, I'D BE INTERESTED.

- YES. - OH, WE SHOULD TELL THEM.

JOE'S 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER KYRA IS GOING TO BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOORS POSSIBLY.

- LOOK OUT! - SHE'S SELLING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

- IT'S THE LAST WEEK. - SHE'S GOING FOR THE RECORD THIS YEAR.

- SHE WAS CLOSE. - WE'RE IN, RIGHT, JEFF?

I'll BE SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE. I HOPE THAT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU.

- OH COME ON, GIVE HER A BREAK. - WE'RE SENDING HER TO YOU FIRST.

SHE'S COMING. BE PREPARED.

- TAKE CARE, EVERYBODY. - NICE TO SEE YOU.

- OH, OKAY! - HUH?

- THERE YOU GO. - YOU LOVING THAT?

- THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. - I TOLD YOU THE BUFFET, MAN.

- BOY, DID WE DO THE WRONG THING. - SHRIMP?

- CRAB LEGS, SHRIMP, POTATOES. - I'M STILL A LITTLE BIT HUNGRY. CAN I TAKE A COUPLE POTATOES?

- HELP YOURSELF. - Funkhouser: LOOK AT THAT.

- TAKE A CRAB LEG. ABSOLUTELY. - ARE YOU SURE?

- TAKE SOME SHRIMP TOO. - I'll TAKE TWO SHRIMP. THERE WE GO.

- THANK YOU. - TAKE THREE. YOU WANT THREE?

NO, TWO'S PLENTY. THAT'S ALL I WANT.

- Funkhouser: WHEN YOU GO BACK, GET ME SOME. - HI, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

UM, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE FROM THE BUFFET

AND SHARE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ORDERED OFF THE MENU.

SO UNFORTUNATELY WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CHARGE YOU FOR AN ADDITIONAL BUFFET.

- IT SAYS IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT. - IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF I GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE?

BECAUSE THEN HE'S EATING IT. IT'S ALL HE CAN EAT ALSO.

I WASN'T GOING TO MAKE A SECOND VISIT. THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY ONLY PLATE.

- BUT HOW AM I TO KNOW THAT? - IT DOESN'T SAY THAT YOU CAN'T...

EXCUSE ME, MAYBE I CAN HELP. HELLO, I'M HIRIAM KATZ,