Nip/Tuck - Third Season

previously on nip/tuck...

every time you lipo a big black ass or shave the bump off of a jewish nose,

you make that person more viable in a white world.

why would you want somebody like that in your life,matt?

She's a racist.

i'm so afraid i'm making a mistake,gina.

I'm giving up everything for him.

i just can't

this was spray painted on the locker of a jewish girl at coral gables prep.

Several blocks away,

"go home,lemonheads" was

scrawled on an asian-american couple's front door.

that's terrible,detective,

but why come to us?

well,both the teenager and the asian husband were patients of yours.

So you haven't had any files go missing?

No strange behavior from your employees or patients?

no... but we'll double check the files and keep an eye out for anything unusual.

so i'll get back to you guys in a few days.

If you think of anything before then,please give me a call.

ok.

detective.

How long does someone have to be gone before you can file a missing persons report?

she's not missing,sean.

do you have any reason to suspect foul play?

no. I only suspect that my fiancee came to her senses.

i didn't know that sort of thing happened to a guy like you.

christian,i know it's only been a few days,

but don't you think you have to examine every possible scenario?

- It isn't like... - kimber's gone...

and i'm moving on,sean.

I'm not meant to be married to her or anybody else.

Look at me. I'm a wildly successful plastic surgeon

with great hair,pearl-white teeth,and a 33-inch waist.

I'm a goddamn superhero.

And i'm gonna put that cape back on,

fly back into every singles bar in town and...

bang myself silly.

I've got a consult waiting in the office.

tell me what you don't like about yourself,miss... mays.

i don't like that i look like a clydesdale.

My face belongs in a feedbag,

and these hips and legs should be pulling the budweiser beer wagon.

Um,this is where your wonderful bedside manner should kick in.

You should say,"no,abby,i think you're an attractive lady."

or at least a handsome gal?

That's what my dad used to call the ugly women... handsome.

why don't you be a little more specific about exactly what changes you're looking for.

i just know i want to be beautiful so i can be loved by someone like you.

Ok,not you exactly.

I know you're unattainable. I know that.

I saw you in beach drive magazine.

I know you were named one of miami's 50 most eligible bachelors.

But you're off the market,right? You're...engaged?

not anymore.

Look,if it's a boyfriend you're looking for,

why don't you save your money and try online dating or personal ads?

I'm sure there's somebody out there who's perfect for you.

i have done them all already,

but nothing's clicked.

On most of the dates the guy usually just turns and walks out of the restaurant

once he sees flabby abby.

Or they're just too hideous,and i walk out on them.

you know,the ugly ones are usually the best lovers.

Real...givers...

to make up for their shortcomings.

just because i am ugly doesn't mean i'm attracted to ugly,dr. Troy.

I get all the magazines.

I watch mtv. I'm as affected by the media as anyone else.

well,sweetheart,you're never gonna look like angelina,

and you're never gonna sleep with brad.

That's just the way it is. Life sucks for you.

you don't think i should try plastic surgery?

you'll need multiple surgeries,and none of them are cheap.

i realize that. I want to do whatever it takes to be beautiful.

fine. Give me your lipstick and take off your clothes.

is that really necessary?

your first step towards a life of beauty

is taking a long,cold look at reality.

So yeah,i think it's necessary. Strip.

Beauty is symmetry,and you don't have any.

First i have to get rid of all this nasty cottage cheese.

And here you need some laser hair removal to keep this forest under control.

These mud flaps will need to be lopped off.

Have you ever picked up anything heavier than a carton of haagen dazs?

um,well,i don't go to a gym or anything.

obviously. Your beer belly will need extensive abdominal lipo.

And you could insulate your house with the amount of fat

i'm gonna suck out of your hips and your ass.

is something wrong?

i ran out of lipstick.

what about my face,dr. Troy?

it's a lost cause.

But if i sculpt your body with tumescent lipo,

it might be salvageable.

"salvageable?"

do-able. Screwable. Ready to be ridden bareback.

Now put your clothes back on.

You look like a road map to hell.

after we remove the embedded metals,

we can even out the skin surface with a light microdermabrasion.

excuse me,dr. Costa. I'll handle it from here.

i thought i'd go ahead and get started.

I didn't want to waste this soldier's time.

we'll only be wasting his time if we examine him twice.

isn't he a doctor?

yes,he is,but you deserve to be examined by a partner,

instead of just one of our associate doctors.

sounds great.

can you tell me how you got your shrapnel scars,corporal brandt?

i ran a regular supply convoy on route irish.

It's the only road between central baghdad and the airport.

They call it the most dangerous road on earth

'cause it gets attacked almost every single day.

The humvee i was riding in took a direct hit from an rpg...

and it was mayhem.

My partner took a grenade right to the chest,

and it blew him to shit.

I saw the dude who launched it at us about 200 yards away on top of a building.

He was dancing. I just snapped.

I didn't have any weapons on me,

but i headed straight for that building.

were you afraid?

i would have done the exact same thing.

no,it wasn't fear. This may sound terrible,but...

when you're in a situation like that,and you're attacked for no reason,

it's hate that gets you through it.

Even protects you.

what did you do to him?

well,he was bigger than me,

so he fended me off at first,

but i finally got him down on the ground...

and i stuck my thumbs in his eyes until they were covered in blood.

He started swinging wildly at the air,

so i took his launcher,

and i hit him in the head with it again and again.

I just kept hitting him in the head until it cracked wide open.

When i saw bone,i knew he was dead.

what a terrible thing to experience.

i guess. I'm kind of numb to it now,though.

All the blood and everything.

You guys must know what i'm talking about.

You must deal with gore every day,right?

i don't think anyone ever gets used to slaughter.

i see you have a wife...chloe.

She must be happy you're home.

yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna be staying for a while,too.

The army wants me to do recruiting for them now.

I mean,that's why they're paying for all the cosmetic surgery.

So i'm going to go around to high schools and malls and stuff

and get people to sign up.

it's just like old times having you here,liz.

well,don't get too excited,christian.

I'm only filling in today 'cause you couldn't find anybody else on such late notice.

is she properly tumesced?

yes,doctor.

Metz.

Cannula.

christian,come on!

I gave this patient enough propofol for a liposuction.

You're scraping ice off of a car windshield.

tumescent liposuction leaves very little bruising.

Just do your job and keep her under.

it's my job to minimize pain.

Having her wake up looking like she just played linebacker

for the dolphins kind of defeats the purpose.

Look...

look! After being attacked,

accused of murder,rejected by your mother,

and dumped by your bride,who wouldn't be angry?

It makes sense.

You've had a really rough year,christian,

but you shouldn't be taking it out on her.

enough of your feminazi bullshit,liz!

I don't care if you don't work here full-time anymore.

When you're assisting me

that means you're an employee,

which anwhs shut up and serve the rge eon!

this is the last favor i ami gonna do for you.

our favor is no longer required.

Linda can helpen finish.

ok,you reverse her slowly,and then you eub yate when youanen.

15 blade.

i heard someone painted a swastika on a locker at matt's school.

what do you know about it?

nothing. Just wondered if they have any idea who did it.

adsen pickups.

Scissors.

it's funny,isn't it?

Painting a few jagged lines on a locker is considered a hate crime.

But so many things are excluded from that label.

Rape,murder,incest.

Why aren't they called hate crimes?

War. That's not considered a crime at all.

Yet hating your enemy makes it so much easier to kill them.

what about sleeping with a colleague's ex-wife?

Isn't that a hate crime?

why don't we just be men about this and fully address the dilemma at hand?

I hate you.

what a coincidence.