New Girl

What a Halloween!

- Whoa! Whoa! - Yes!

Marcia Clark cleaned that party out.

I can't believe nobody got our costumes.

I know. I'm not Shapiro.

I'm very clearly Travolta playing Shapiro.

Where-where is the... Where did the Juice go?

Is he back on the freeway?

Three, two, one. Midnight, November 1.

Merry Christmas season.

- Mm. - Okay.

Uh, Jess,

Winston has something he would like to tell you.

- Oh! - Go ahead, Winston.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, from...

We did rock-paper-scissors. Okay.

Well, you know,

well, we were all thinking,

and we were all on the same page.

We were thinking that...

maybe we don't do Christmas this year.

You know, that would be a great seminar topic...

in a school for demons!

- Backup. I need backup. Your turn. - Well, Jess,

Christmas is just so stressful...

with the lists and the lines

and-and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room.

TV Town Song Room?

- Do you mean Radio City Music Hall? - Yeah.

How could you get so many things wrong in a row?

At Radio City Music's Hall.

What is going on here?

Christmas isn't stressful.

- Babe. - Babe.

You get more stressed out by Christmas

than anyone I know.

The spirit of Christmas.

Son of a whore!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

In my defense, I hadn't slept for six days.

But I do see your point.

- Okay. Great. - Hmm.

So it's official. Christmas is canceled.

No, Christmas is not canceled.

Christmas gifts are how you show the people you love

that you care in a very special, magical

and highly mandatory way.

You want me to shop until I drop, and I don't want to drop.

How about this? One special gift, one person,

and a guessing game at the end.

Secret Santa!

One moment, please.

It's the perfect compromise. Come on.

- General agreement. - General agreement.

- Sure. - We can do it.

Yes! It's a deal. Okay.

- Whoa. - Oh.

It's just me.

I'm feeling really good.

_

Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everybody!

Secret Santa starts tonight at 6:00 P.M.,

00 P.M. eve.

- Snacks will be potluck. - I call baba ghanoush.

It brings back such good memories.

My dad waking me up with hot cocoa,

my dog Frank dressed up as Rudolph,

looking out the window, watching for snow,

dancing around the Christmas tree

to the sweet sounds of Darlene Love's

"Christmas."

Darlene what now?

Love me some Darlene.

What am I watching now?

Two kilos of uncut joy.

Little reminder...

uh, tonight is for Secret Santa gifts only.

So, married people,

please exchange your gifts at another time.

Oh, don't worry. Schmidt and I

aren't getting each other gifts this year.

- Uh-uh. - Is that 'cause of the Jew thing?

Jew thing?

That's just a phrase that falls out of your mouth these days.

Oh, sorry.

I-I took the last Jew thing.

This will be the only gift that Cece is getting this Christmas,

so whoever has her, please step it up.

Right, and the same goes for my man.

Just because he doesn't believe in the Lord,

doesn't mean he can't have cake at the birthday party.

So, whoever has him better bring it...

because I know I got the perfect gift for...

Up-bup-bup-bup!

Secret Santa.

Also, to that point,

we're all in danger of revealing ourselves

through little clues such as...

cave man wrapping skills.

I got mozzarella sticks for fingers.

You're making this very stressful, Jess.

No, it's not, because we have a Secret Santa helper,

and his name is...

- Robby! - Whoa!

- Oh. - Oh.

How long you been out there, man?

Eh, long enough to make it weird.

But I could hear everything, though, so...

- Sorry about the wait. - Oh, it's okay.

I slept in a little bit.

Robby is going to wrap and label all of your gifts

to ensure anonymity.

I'm just gonna go wait in Jess' room.

I look forward to working with you all.

Oh, I got to get back to work.

I told the entire staff they can have three days off

'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar.

So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.

You haven't done those yet?

Nick, our accountant needs them today.

I know. It's the do date,

So, I'm going to do them today.

D-U-E, Nicholas.

D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G.

Doing. The doing date.

And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G

shouldn't be doing.

It should be freaking "doyng."

Nick, you got 'em?!

You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.

I get Nick the perfect gift,

and then he goes and buys it for himself.

What am I supposed to get him now?

You could get Nick some tap shoes, right?

They do make walking fun.

I told you that about tap shoes, you tree.

Now think, Jessica.

You're the greatest gift-giver of all time.

I've got it.

Whatever it is, I got it covered.

Oh, no, Robby. What I'm giving him cannot be wrapped.

Is it a memory?

- No. - Ah.

- A house? - No.

Damn it, man.

False alarm.

I thought that was the mailman with my Secret Santa gift.

Yes, I know, Winston.

You've run in here at least six times.

You know, now you can just track the package.

- I can? - Yes.

Let's see. KXHD136.

You memorized the package tracking number,

but you didn't know that you could use that number to track the package?

What?!

9:18 A.M. refused delivery?

Did you refuse a package

to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo?

Listen to what you just asked. Of course I did.

Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it, Schmidt!

I am Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo!

It is my secret Santa alias.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

I don't have a gift for tonight now.

Well, this is not my problem, Winston.

Oh, no, it is your problem.

Oh, you had me?

I did not have Jess, I did not have Nick, I do not have you.

It's fairly obvious who I do have.

I figured it out. You have Cece.

- Oh. - My Cece.

My Cece can't go gift-less.

I like to think of her as our Cece.

You screwed the pooch on this one, Winston.

Me? I didn't screw the pooch.

- Yes, you did. - You didn't sign for it!

How was I supposed to sign for Garage-A-Roo's package?

You and your dang old aliases.

You have a new alias every day, Winston.

- Yes, but you should know it's me! - Garage-A-Roo, Kenneth.

But it was me clearly! Kenneth, Kenneth.

Rick Smits, Big Poppy Jones.

These are the dumbest names I've ever heard!

- Pontius Pilate. - AKA idiot.

Maybe that truck is still in the neighborhood.

- Let's go out and try and get it. - Wait!

This just became a Schmidt and a Jay Garage-A-Roo mess-around.

Freakin' Jay Garage-A-Roo.

So I fly you down. You are my gift to Nick.

What do you say?

I don't know, Jess.

I mean, I have a really big pitch tomorrow.

It's a treatment for...

I mean, the polite term is "gravelly bowel syndrome."

So fly down for one night.

What could be more romantic or magical?