The Mick

- There we go. That's a good-looking apple, huh? - Yeah.

- Isn't this fun, you guys? - Smells like crap.

- I'm covered in ants. - It's bright as hell out here.

Look, I just thought it would be nice to get out

of that depressing house for a little while

and have a nice picnic.

"Picnic" implies food.

You brought nothing.

Oh, yeah? What did you bring, Sabrina?

Besides that crappy attitude of yours.

Okay, why can't we just go to a restaurant?

Because restaurants cost money, genius,

and we don't have any. Look around you,

there's miles of free snacks.

I'm eating the ants.

I like how they wiggle inside me.

See? This guy's making it work.

I am not foraging for food.

I'm not a frickin' animal.

I like it. Reminds me of Guatemala.

My point exactly.

All right, if you guys can't enjoy this beautiful day,

then there is something seriously wrong with you.

Beer me.

No beer.

What?! What do you mean?

I thought there'd be a beer guy.

Why would there be a beer guy?

It's not a baseball stadium... It's an orchard.

All right, well, at least a hard cider guy.

So we're just supposed to sit around,

like a-a bunch of sober turds?

This sucks. You suck.

Unbelievable.

Ugh. Milldale Correctional again?

Do you believe the balls on this woman?

I mean, she walked out on us.

- Nice. Make her sweat. - Hey, at least she's trying.

Dad hasn't even attempted to reach out.

It's like he prefers prison to his own family.

What's prison like?

Oh, it's...

it's kind of like camp.

Right? You got your bunk beds, games, arts and crafts.

- I want to go to prison. - Well, with her in charge,

I think you have a decent chance.

Hey, maybe you should just hear her out.

Yeah, I don't feel like it.

- Give me the phone. I'll answer. - No.

Sabrina,

answer the phone or I'll smash your face off with this apple!

- Not before I smash off yours. - All right,

put the apples down before I smash you both off.

Okay, Benny? Come on, let's go look at the rabbits.

I'm serious, Sabrina! Answer the phone!

Oh, I'm sorry, does da wittle baby miss his mama?

- Cut it out. - Last chance!

Oops!

Come here!

What I wouldn't give

to wrap my hands around their necks

and just squeeze the life out of them.

Yeah. I get that, but that doesn't fly nowadays.

Living in this PC culture where everyone's got to drive

a hybrid, people can't beat their kids anymore.

I'm not talking about the kids. I'm talking about Christopher

and Poodle, just living on easy street

while I'm here picking up the pieces.

Well, they are in prison.

I am the one who is in prison.

All right? They're eating free meals,

they've got clean sheets, people looking after them.

Meanwhile, I am literally living in a trash heap

with a bunch of wild animals who don't respect me.

Ah!

They just have all this pent-up aggression with no outlet.

You want me to take Chip downtown,

get his wheels greased by a pro?

No. Too expensive.

No, these kids need their parents.

They need to sit face-to-face and get all this out on them

- so I can stop bearing the brunt of it. - While you're there,

you might want to get the money turned back on.

Count me in.

I cannot wait to lay waste to Poodle through the glass.

- What are you talking about? - Eh, you know, "You're in there,

I'm out here." That kind of stuff.

Right. Well, as productive as that sounds,

you're not going. This isn't about you.

Aw, come on.

Let me get mine.

I want to know how you're gonna get them on board.

I'll just sit them down like adults and explain that,

in the long run, this is the best thing for everybody.

Good luck.

Where the hell are we?

Look, sue me, I thought you deserved a day of relaxation.

This whole thing with your mom's been pretty tough...

Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Uh-huh. All right.

Well, maybe you've internalized it a little bit

- subconsciously because you've been... - I haven't.

Okay.

Then we're just two ladies having a spa day.

Just go with it.

What's so special about this spa?

Well, for starters,

it's tough for me to say,

because your journey is gonna be so much different than mine,

'cause it's an entirely customized experience.

That's the thing that sets this particular...

spa apart.

You're gonna start by walking in

and sitting down in a clay chair that molds to your body.

And then you'll have a chat with Wesley.

Yeah. Wesley's what they call a body concierge.

And, together, the two of you will design

a tailor-made experience that will not only, you know,

enrich your body but it's also gonna take you on a...

guided tour of all of your pleasure centers.

Wow.

- I mean, that does sound incredible. - Uh, yeah.

Yeah. It's amazing.

Trust me, you're really gonna love it. Oh, here we are.

Milldale Correctional.

You bitch.

What kind of demon tells a girl

she's getting a spa day and then brings her to her mom's prison?

Look, think of it as a spa day for your soul.

What do you think is gonna happen here?

We're not just gonna kiss and make up.

I don't care what you do.

Scream in her face. Spit in her face.

Slap her face. Do whatever you got to do.

But harness all that poison

and spew it all over her, you know?

So I can stay out of it.

Hello, Sabrina. Mickey.

Hey there, Poodle.

How's life in the big house?

God, it feels good to be on the other side of that one for once.

I'm so glad you came.

Well, it wasn't by choice, okay?

- Listen, I have wanted to say... - I'm sorry,

can I go first? I-I just really need to get this off my chest.

Sabrina, I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, I broke the law, but, I mean,

even worse, I broke our family.

I've lied to you, I've abandoned you,

I've failed you in every possible way as a mother.

And I don't expect you to forgive me,

because I don't think that I'll ever forgive myself

for the pain that I've caused you and Chip and Ben.

Even Alba.

I need you to know that I love you more than anything

and I am gonna spend the rest of my life

trying to make it up to you, because you are

the most important thing in the world to me.

Ooh, are the boys here, too?

Really? A water park?

Why'd I spend an hour looking for my goggles?

'Cause once you commit to a lie, you got to see it through, okay?

You know what, uh, I think we should abort, all right?

This is no place for kids.

But I want to see Daddy's camp.

I know, but, you know, we missed him, pal.

You know? He's off on a canoe trip.

Pemberton! Booth six!

No, you know what, hey, let's go to the water park.

All right? For real this time. Let's do it.

No. He doesn't get off that easy.

If he's not man enough to talk to me,

then I'll be the bigger man.

All right. Fine.

Make it quick.

Hold my goggles.

I like it here.

Hello, Chip.

Oh, my God, Dad. Is that you?

Where is your teeth?

Oh.

Y-You noticed that.

Yes.

Um, well, my roommate took them,

and he said that-that I wouldn't be needing them anymore.

Oh, my God.

No wonder you didn't want me here.

You didn't abandon me,

you were protecting me.

Well, now it's my turn to protect you,

'cause that's what Pembertons do,

we protect our own.

Mark my words.: I'm going to do everything...

Chip's not yours.

- That I can... - Chip's not yours.

Dad? Dad.

- Dad, are...? - I'm not your father.

- Dad, don't say that. - Well...

I know you don't really feel like yourself right now,

but you're still my father and I'm still your son.