Trophy Wife

"The elephant teacher smiled at the zebra.

'Of course you can come into my jungle classroom,' she said.

And that's how the zebra learned to read."

All right. Your water's here.

Mr. Bear's water is here.

Your clothes are laid out for the entire week.

No judgement ... my love is unconditional.

What do you say, little man? Should we go to sleep?

Can I have another foot rub?

- That's enough stalling. - What's "stalling"?

- Uh... how do you explain stalling? - He knows what stalling is.

- I forget again. - Let's close our eyes and go to sleep.

- I'm gonna count down from 10. - Ooh, count down from 500.

500...

499...

498...

497...

He's getting better. That was pretty quick.

- Sweetie, he's made you his bitch. - I'm pretty sure I did it to myself.

Hey. First one to the living room gets to pick the show.

Hey! Stop it!

No. Shh!

I think I heard something.

- Sucker! - Hey! That's not fair!

1x02 - Cold File

Okay, whoever eats their fruit is my favorite child.

- There you go, man. - Uh, hey, Dad.

I have a hangnail. Can you, um...

- Oh, I'll get the clippers. - I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. Okay, on three.

- One... two! Oh! - Aah!

You didn't even make it to three.

- You never make it to three. - I didn't make it to three.

Two's... before that.

Oh, hey. Whose, uh ... whose fancy headband's this?

Those are mine.

Oh! Red thong ... so classy.

- Dad, can you please do my necklace? - Oh, I'll do it.

Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it.

- Dad, what's a thong? - Oh, it's, uh, underwear

for people who don't want panty lines.

Oh, well, why wouldn't you want panty lines?

- 'Cause it's not sexy. - Whoo! Sexy time!

'Cause you guys like to have ...

And thus ends our morning underwear Q & A.

Right. Yep. Of course.

- Dad, please just sign my permission slips? - Yeah.

- Oh, I can do it. Yes. - I got it. I got it.

- You are not a parent. - I know. Mm-hmm.

When you're done with that, I-I need five bucks.

- For what? - For an investment.

- Oh, can I wear my ... - An investment?

- Can I wear my shin guards to school? - What are you investing in?

- Investment stuff. - Can I wear my ...

Anybody needs me, I'll just...

- Can I wear... - just give me a shout.

- Text me. Tweet me. - I-I actually smelled you making that up.

- I will. I will. - Put them on. - There's a fire.

- Help me. - I want seven back in a week.

- Look, there's an eagle! - Can I wear my shin guards to school?

Okay.

Hey.

Ooh! All right ... shower police!

Ma'am, you want to step inside?

The word is, you haven't been washing your boobs very well.

No, I'm not here for shower police.

Had to give it a try ... miss 100% of the shots you never take.

- What's up? - Just feeling a little un-needed lately.

Well, the shower police need you.

- By the kids. - I see.

We're having a real conversation about real things.

What's up?

You know, I've been living here for almost a year

and I just feel like I'm... more of a roommate than a parent.

Like some weird craigslist roommate that everyone politely ignores.

Oh, that's not true. Hillary's rude to you sometimes.

I just feel like you just do everything and then there's nothing left for me to do.

Why should you have to deal with my stuff?

It's my job. I'm their Dad. I'm the crap-master.

But I could be assistant crap-master.

You want more crap? I'll give you more crap.

Yes. All I want is more crap.

All right!

Killer bees, huddle up. Bring it in! Bring it in!

Lot of good stuff today.

Great spirit.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

You guys ... you guys love to cheer.

Uh, couple of things to think about ...

in general, let's ... let's make it a goal

to not sit down as much during a scrimmage.

- Yay! - Yay!

Also, uh, go to the bathroom ...

very important ... before practice, okay?

And, Ian, if you do need to go during practice, just, please, leave the field, okay?

Coach Duane, anything you want to add?

I think my wife is having an affair with my brother.

- Yay! - Yay!

All right. Uh, bring it in.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

All right.

Hey, uh, maybe a little less sharing with the kids.

Look at you ... doing stuff.

- Yeah. It's exciting, right? - Yeah.

You know, half these kids can't eat peanuts, and the other

half only eat peanuts, so, one wrong bite, half the team dies.

Oh, it's just orange slices and water.

W-well, there's one kid who can't have oranges.

His parents have some issues with Florida.

And that kid with the shorty-shorts

can't have any water, 'cause he's overhydrated.

Hey, Pete?

Stay strong, man.

- Yeah? - Come here.

- What's up? - Can you keep Bert tonight?

'Cause my Tai Chi class is doing a pub crawl.

Uh, I could, but I got a client dinner.

I'm not gonna be back until way after his bedtime.

- Pete... - I can put him to bed.

I saw that look.

- I can't even have a look? - Come on. I can do it.

I mean, I've seen Pete put him to bed a thousand times.

I've been to the ATM like a thousand times.

Doesn't mean I have a clue what's in my bank account.

I think one of us should stay home.

Is it gonna be you or is it gonna be me? Is it an important client?

Ooh ... Is it gonna affect my alimony?

Jackie, Kate's right. She wants to do it, she can do it.

What was that look?

That was a weird look. From now on, new rule ...

everyone says everything out loud.

Warren, I want to watch TV, okay? Move your feet.

- Hey! No eating on the couch! - When Mom's not here, I eat where I want.

- Now move your gross feet. - Gross feet? That was very mean.

- Apologize to my feet. - Never.

Okay, then I'm just gonna have to take your snacks.

Feet! Confiscate snacks!

Foot snacks! Jerk, get your feet off my salsa!

Oh, my god.

- What's up, studly? - Dad, uh...

me and Hillary spilled salsa on Mom's white couch.

Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

What do we do?

Dad? Be serious, okay?

What are we supposed to do?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're calling your father for advice.

Here's my advice ... run away.

Hello?

Poor kids.

We're screwed.

Mom loves to punish us in those twisted ways.

I know ... a-and remember that one time I wouldn't stop picking

my nose and so she ... she put that dog cone collar on me?

She cannot find out about this.

Wait. Wait. She won't!

Oh, my god!

- Oh! Check it! - Genius.

Okay, as long as we keep a united front, we'll be fine.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Mom! - How was your day?

It was great.

Hey, Hillary. Let's get out of here.

- Bye, Mom! - Bye, Mom!

"I'm not afraid of your breath, and he gave the dragon a kiss.

And that's how the dragon learned to love."

Okeydokey.

We've got your water ... check.

Mr. Bear's water ... check.

I see you've made some changes to your wardrobe for the week,

which I totally respect.

And now it's time to close your eyes and go to sleep.

- And I'll count you down from 10. - How about from a billion?

- I don't know how to count that high. - How about from a million?

Okay. A million...

Hi.

- Bert? - Hi! Are we playing a game?

No.

- I'm still awake. - Why?

Hey, guys. Snack's ready.

- Just act cool. - I always do.

Oh, Mom, you look ravishing.

Oh. Why, thank you, sweetheart.

Okay, guys, dig in. I made quesadillas.

Okay. Any other topping suggestions?

- S-sour ... sour cream. - Chocolate.

- Relish. - Uh, mustard?

Relish.

I was thinking of something just a little more picante.

I know ... how about some salsa?

- Oh, yeah. Salsa ... right. - Salsa.

We haven't had salsa in a while. Right, Hil?

That's right, Warren.

Aah. New bottle. Dig.

- All right. - Oh!

I almost forgot ... napkins,

just in case one of us spills the salsa.

Right.

She knows. She never talks this much about salsa.

Maybe she talks about salsa all the time,

- but we're just noticing it now. - What?!